Captain Stottlemeyer: It sure would explain a lot.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Like what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know. Like you sleeping in the guest room.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Because you've been snoring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't just start snoring, Karen. And you forgetting our anniversary. And you not wanting to touch me anymore.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, we have problems. I'm not saying we don't. But that isn't one of them. Or at least it wasn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You used to tie my neckties.

Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, here's how you follow someone. Stay at least 40 feet back. But not more than 60. And whenever possible, try to use reflective surfaces.
Natalie: Reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see? [looks at Karen in the reflection of some sunglasses] Very discreet. Reflective surfaces. Wait a minute, I lost her. Where'd she go?
Natalie: [holds mirror on top of sunglasses rack] Okay, would this be considered a reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, mirrors. Mirrors are good, too.

Natalie: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland, and they never had one thing in common. I remember, this one weekend, he went hunting and she stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
Natalie: It's hard when people get married that young, you know. You get older and change.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, not me.
Natalie: Well, I know not you, but people.

Adrian Monk: [knocking an arm off a mannequin] Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Natalie: It's okay. Mr. Monk, come on, come on. She's getting away.
Adrian Monk: But you can't just leave her like this.
Natalie: It's a mannequin.
Adrian Monk: Why do you say things like that?
Natalie: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
[After Natalie and Monk run out of the store, Monk goes back and removes the mannequin's other arm]

Peter: So we're at her favorite restaurant, okay? And I'm spending like a whole week's paycheck on this one dinner. And then this jerk at the table next to me keeps yapping on his cell phone. I hate those cell phones. You can't have a decent conversation anymore.
Dr. Bradley: Did you say your affirmation?
Peter: Yes. Yes, I did. Uh huh. Okay, I tried. I really did. I said, please, we're trying to enjoy our dinner. And then his cell phone rang again. And I guess I lost it. I threw a plate. A couple of plates.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [cell phone rings] Excuse me. Yeah. Uh-huh. Look, I can't talk right now, Karen. I'll call you later.
Dr. Bradley: Leland, would you mind turning that off?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't. I'm on duty.
Peter: So what are you, a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Peter: You think you're better than me because you're a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Peter, I think I'm better than you on general principle.

Peter: Well, at least I have some rough idea where my wife is.
[Captain Stottlemeyer stands up and sizes up Peter]
Dr. Bradley: Leland. Leland, look at me. Look. Look at me. Say your affirmation. I wanna hear it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.
Dr. Bradley: Say it again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.
Dr. Bradley: Sit down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.

Dr. Bradley: Leland, you don't have to act on your feelings. You're an adult. You can choose how you wanna respond.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're absolutely right.
Dr. Bradley: I'm gonna give you something. It's a backup plan in case you're out in the world and you're in a situation and your affirmation is not working. It's a fact. You can't stay mad at anybody when you're playing with a yo-yo. I want you to take this with you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so.
Dr. Bradley: You understand if I don't sign your certificate of completion, you're gonna be with us for another 6 weeks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Security Guard: Excuse me. Did you just take money from that fountain?
Natalie: No.
Security Guard: Ma'am.
Natalie: Well, yeah, I mean...
Adrian Monk: We were making it even.
Security Guard: Come with me, please.
Natalie: I just need to get a shot.
Security Guard: I don't want any trouble. Just come with me.

Gerald: Seemingly unrelated facts were coming together in Mark's mind to form an undeniable truth. A picture of absolute clarity where before there had been confusion. "What do you know?", Jesse asked him. "I know how Winston Brent was killed", Mark said. "And I know who did it." Oh, can you believe it? What kind of a degenerate tears out the last two pages of a Diagnosis Murder mystery book?

Lieutenant Disher: Hi, I'm Lieutenant Disher, San Francisco Police. This is Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger. How are you feeling?
Gerald: Like I got dropped out of a 3-story window. Luckily, I fell on a triple-corrugated GE refrigerator box. It's an excellent box. If you got to fall on a box, try to make it a GE triple corrugated.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'll keep that in mind.