Marci Maven: This is a petition to get the old theme song back. They changed the theme song.
Sharona: Oh, my God! I hate that new theme song.
Marci Maven: Me too. God, the show was perfect. It was perfection, right?
Sharona: It was. It was... It was perfect.
Marci Maven: Why can't they just leave shows alone?
Sharona: I don't know.
Marci Maven: But tell Brad this is from Marci. That is me. "M" for Marci.
Sharona: "Marci." Okay.
Marci Maven: Yeah. He- He knows me, so...

Marci Maven: "Dear fellow Monk-ophiles, as you can see, I have decided to redesign the homepage again! As the greatest detective in the universe would say; you'll thank me later. Love to all, Marci."

Marci Maven: Oh, I painted this for you two years ago for your birthday, but Judge Franklin wouldn't let me give it to you because of the restraining order. You know, fifty yards away and no contact. Jerk. Oh, please, make yourselves at home. Sit down. I'm sorry I'm babbling. I'm nervous, you know? I've just been imagining this for so long, you know? You, Adrian Monk. You're really here. [chuckles] Oh! So rude. Here we go. Summit Creek Water. It's his favorite.
Natalie: I know.
Marci Maven: Well, do you know what his favorite drink was last year? I do! Sierra Springs. Hmm. Ten ice cubes, of course. And some cookies, fresh from the oven.
Adrian Monk: They're square.
Marci Maven: [laughs] I knew you would appreciate that. Yeah, I've been baking all day and cleaning! I wanted everything to be perfect.

Adrian Monk: Marci, is this my glass?
Marci Maven: Not anymore. You threw it out, remember? And yes, this is your rug. And yes, that's your lamp. And yes, these are your pants. Don't worry. Not crazy, just a fan. You are amazing. But you know that, don't you?
Natalie: His pants?

Adrian Monk: Uh, I need a wipe, Natalie.
Marci Maven: Ooh, ooh, hold on! Right here. Here. Oh, no! Use mine. They're monogrammed. They're better. I- I did it myself.
Natalie: They're sanitary wipes. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
Marci Maven: Adrian, she's ruing everything. I mean, who is she?
Natalie: I'm his assistant, okay? I been with him for three years.
Marci Maven: Well, I've known him even longer, okay?
Natalie: Here's a little news flash, Marci. Stalking someone and knowing someone two different things!

Marci Maven: I did the world a favor. She was a terrible actress.
Sharona: Who was?
Marci Maven: Susan Malloy. The bitch... I killed. She only made one movie. What kind of actress only makes one movie? Frat Party Massacre. Did you see it?
Sharona: Uh, no.
Marci Maven: I did. Like, 20 times.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And how did you do it, Marci?
Marci Maven: It was easy. Snuck in the glass window in the back. I hid. She came in. She was, uh, doin' an exercise tape. She didn't even see me. I pulled out the knife, and she started screaming. I started stabbing, and I stabbed her.
Adrian Monk: How many times?
Marci Maven: Three or four.
Lieutenant Disher: Why did you do it, Marci?
Marci Maven: I did it for Brad. Hello? I love him. You know, l... That bitch broke his heart. She won't be hurting him anymore. Right?

Adrian Monk: How do you feel, Marci?
Marci Maven: How do I feel? Well, th- That's funny, because I've talked to five psychiatrists and... And three psychologists and one therapist. And, uh, they all wanted to know the same thing. "How you feelin', Marci? How you feelin', Marci?"
Adrian Monk: I- I heard that you got into some trouble last night.
Marci Maven: I smashed the TV in the rec room. What was I supposed to do? Crime Lab S.F. was on with that that new theme song which I hate. Why do they need a new theme song?
Adrian Monk: Marci. I know you didn't kill Susan Malloy.
Marci Maven: Oh, no. Sure I did.
Adrian Monk: No. You couldn't kill anyone. Why did you confess? There's only one reason why you would confess. Because you know Brad Terry is guilty. You love him. You're protecting him. But how do you know he's guilty? That's the question. How do you know he killed his ex-wife? [Marci hangs up the prison phone] Marci. Marci.

First Cop: Are you Marci Maven? Do you own a dog named Otto?
John Ringel: You're damn right she does. That beast of yours killed my wife! I warned you about him!
First Cop: Mr. Ringel, please. We'll take care of this.
Marci Maven: What's going on?
Second Cop: There was an attack earlier today across the street.
Marci Maven: Oh, today? No, that wasn't Otto.
Second Cop: We're gonna have to take him in, ma'am. Where's the dog?
[Marci leads John Ringel and the two officers to her backyard]
Marci Maven: Yeah, I really don't think it was him.
[The camera pans down to a headstone for Otto in the freshly-dug ground]

Natalie: Oh, hey, Marci.
Marci Maven: Oh, Natalie, hello. I need to speak with Adrian.
Natalie: Sorry. You just missed him he's, um... He's getting his hair cut.
Marci Maven: I know he's here. Okay, he left at 8:00. He came back 35 minutes later. And besides, he only gets his hair cut every first and third Tuesday of every month. He's behind the door. I can smell his shampoo. Pantene for dry hair. Listen, I really need to speak with him. It's important I'm in trouble!
Natalie: Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci. You said it was a matter of life or death. And when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Christi.
Marci Maven: It was Thanksgiving!
Natalie: What does that have to do with anything?

Marci Maven: Hello! Right on time, of course.
Natalie: It's okay. I'm right here.
Marci Maven: Come in, come in, come in.
Adrian Monk: No.
Marci Maven: [to Natalie] You can pick him up at 6:00.
Adrian Monk: No, no. She's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Well, Adrian, I... I bid on you. I mean, I don't think we need a chaperone. It'll be great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's with me. I can't do this alone.
Marci Maven: Okay, fine good. The more the merrier I just I hope I made enough cookies.