Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #385
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer in Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs
Adrian Monk: What was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was the opening kickoff. We're officially missing the game. Why am I not surprised? Monk, what are you doing? With the hands? What?
Adrian Monk: It's just a charcoal grill. It doesn't make any sense. Why would it just explode?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it makes perfect sense. These things blow up all the time. First off, the kid was plastered. He dumps a half a gallon of lighter fluid on the son of a bitch, dropped a match, and kaboom! No, no, no, first play of the game, and we're already behind.
Adrian Monk: That's not lighter fluid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's gasoline. You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I didn't do it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, at least quit smiling.
‘Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs’ Quotes
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Adrian Monk: I think we should talk to that guy again, that Chet Walsh with the funny foamy finger. Remember? He had this big, foamy finger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who you mean, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He said he saw Gitelson this morning!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, it's out of our jurisdiction. It's not our case. We'll just be in the way, okay? Come on, every good cop knows you can't be in it 24/7. Even God took a day off. And what day did he take off? It was Sunday. Why did he take off Sunday? I tell you why Sunday, so he could watch football!
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Bob Costas: Where's Adrian?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, he's outside. He's workin' the case. He can't give it up.
Bob Costas: Oh, that's just like him. The monomaniacal Mr. Monk. Did he ever tell you how we met?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, not really. He mentioned something about a demented cat salesman.
Bob Costas: Well, no, that's not it exactly. There's a distinction here, and it's really. It's fascinating. The cat salesman was not demented. He sold demented cats. No, no, but really, understand. He had a Siamese who was manic-depressive. He had a paranoid Persian. The guy tried to sell me a calico kitten who was completely psychotic. Evil! I mean, it tried to kill me. The kitten tried to kill me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, nice game though, huh?
Bob Costas: It's a great game. He had a Burmese. Multiple personalities. One of which was a dog. That's how weird it was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not really a cat person.
Bob Costas: Well, it's... These are the facts. I'm just tellin' ya.
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Captain Stottlemeyer: I told you it was just a fan.
Adrian Monk: I just wanna make sure. I wish we had some lab equipment. We could dust for prints.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I wish? I wish there was two of me so one of me could be out here wasting my life with you, the other one could be in there watching the football game with Bob Costas.