Alex: [to the mirror] Oh, I don't know. I guess in my free time, I like to keep up with the latest discoveries in renewable energy.
Haley: Just think, a few more months and you'll never have to deal with this again.
Alex: You know, I don't mind college interviews. I actually like discussing the things that they-
Haley: I was talking to the mirror.

Alex: I know all you had to do to get in your college was like their Facebook page, but this is Princeton. I have to show them that I'm a serious thinker, and you could be a bit more supportive.
Haley: You're right. I'm sorry. Your outfit's perfect.
Alex: Thanks.
Haley: If you're applying to Lumberjack School. And majoring in having your cats eat you when you die.

Mitchell: When I leave here, men will want to be me, women will want to shop with me.

Claire: Have you ever thought of trying to be nicer at your regular job? I mean, I've had to learn how to balance being a friend and a manager. You could call it being a "franager."
Mitchell: But I don't have to, right?
Claire: Yes, you do. I am your boss. You have to do everything I say. Okay, all right, here comes Lucy. She's new, and dad wants me to talk to her about the way she dresses. He says it's distracting. Watch and learn. Lucy's about to get franaged.
Mitchell: Oh, good, it's a verb, too.

Claire: Do you want to have lunch later?
Mitchell: Aren't you going to The Pasta Factory with the gang?
Claire: Oh, is it somebody's birthday?
Mitchell: I-I don't know. Uh, something they do on Mondays.
Claire: Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Uh, Pasta Factory Monday. I knew that.
Mitchell: Doesn't seem like you did.
Claire: Break time's over. Get your work done.
Mitchell: Looks like someone has an issue with anger franagement.

Jay: How's my little angel?
Claire: Not great today.
Mitchell: I'm settling in.
Jay: Not you two. Stella!
Mitchell: Oh, she's fine. Cam's taking great care of her.
Jay: Is she getting enough walks?
Mitchell: Cam comes home from work at lunch, takes her right to the dog park. In fact, he's there with her right now.
Jay: Not the one on Barrington. 'Cause there's an unsnipped chow always tries to hump her silly.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Jay: What dog park are you at?
Cameron: Good afternoon to you, too, Jay. Stella and I are at Rancho.
Jay: Thank God. Keep your eye out for randy chows.
Cameron: The figure skater?

Jay: [on the phone] What the hell am I looking at?
Cameron: Oh, God, w- What- What did I send you?
Jay: What's that thing around her neck?
Cameron: Oh, phew. Uh, that is just a new collar. Her old one was looking a little tattered.
Jay: Don't go buying her presents! She's still my dog. You're a glorified kennel.
Cameron: It's just a fun little collar that I bejeweled.
Jay: What's next? You gonna dress her in fishnets, put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

Haley: [on the phone] Oh, my God. You're such a slut. Oh, I love it. Mm. Nothing, I'm just taking my sister to a college interview at a coffee shop. Ugh. I know, right? Oh, I totally forgot to tell you what happened last night. Lisa, Enzo, and I were at a bar in Echo Park, and Enzo was like, "My dream is to run the bases at Dodger Stadium. " So I'm like, "Screw it, let's do it. " So, Lisa tucks her hair up to a baseball cap, and we convince the grounds keeper that she's Justin Bieber and that "Justin" will take a picture with him. And it worked! No, you shut up! That's not even the best part. Enzo starts running the bases, and he whips his shirt off. And Lisa gets caught up in it and takes off her shirt. And the grounds keeper's like, "Whoa, you're not Justin Bieber. " So he starts chasing us around with a rake. I know! Oh, wait. Who is that? Denise? Put that dirty hooker on the phone. Hey, girl. Did I tell you what happened last night? So, Enzo said that his dream was to run the bases at Dodger Stadium, - and I was like, "Screw it, let's do it."
Alex: Oh, my God! Do you ever stop talking?! I am sitting here trying to mentally prepare for one of the most important moments of my life, so can you please just shut up?

Phil: You're not Andy.
Luke: Sorry to disappoint you.
Andy: I'm here! Welcome. Come on in.
Phil: Thank you.
Luke: What's happening?
Andy: I was about to give Mr. Dunphy here a tour of this beautiful open house.
Phil: I do not know who Mr. Dunphy is, although he sounds cool. I'm just a handsome plastic surgeon relocating from Tucson.
Luke: And I'm his son.
Phil: Good idea. Pretend to be my son.