Jay: That family is exhausting. I can't believe this.
Gloria: Ah, Jay, I'm so sorry. Maybe you can get a fish!
Jay: 'Cause it's so much cuter driving down the road with your fish's head sticking out the window. Fish!

Gloria: No, it can't be my face cream! Ay, please don't make me say goodbye to my face cream!
Jay: Stella was eating it to save Joe!
Manny: But that still doesn't explain why I'm still feeling so much better. I can breathe for th-
Jay: Stella's coming home a hero!

Jay: You were supposed to talk to her about storing those zeppelins in a hangar.
Claire: I did!
Jay: Well, do it again. Louder. This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.
Claire: Dad, I think you're the one who's being offensive.
Jay: It's my company. Take care of it.

Jay: We're back! Funniest thing, Stella fell in love with this dog on our walk, just stared at it lovingly. Turned out to be her reflection in a hubcap. Can you blame her?
Manny: I got an "A" on my history exam, by the way.
Jay: Really, you're competing with the dog? Don't let it bother you, girl.

Gloria: This allergy thing is very serious. We need to separate them for a week to see if the rash goes away.
Jay: I don't know if I can go that long without seeing Joe.
Gloria: Not Joe! The dog! I already called Mitch and Cameron. They're gonna take her.
Jay: For a week?! She'll be traumatized! She's very sensitive!
Gloria: She scrapes her butt on the driveway.
Jay: Why don't you like her? She's never done anything to you.
Gloria: Ay, look! My face cream! Do you know how much this costs?
Jay: No. How much?
Gloria: Don't change the subject!

Andy: Victorian. Modern. Craftsman. Spanish. European Gothic?
Phil: Andy, it's the castle from "Frozen." I'm sorry, but you're not ready.
Andy: What?
Phil: To hear that you're ready! Congratulations, assistant! I'm moving you up to the next level.
Andy: Holy cow. That was an emotional thrill ride.

Phil: This Sunday, you are manning the open house of the Cape Cod on Linden. That means you're gonna be sticking the sign and the balloons on the corner, you're gonna be turning on all the lights, you're gonna be baking all the brownies.
Andy: I will make you proud, sir.
Phil: What else are you gonna do?
Andy: I will make sure people sign in.
Phil: What else?
Andy: When I show someone the master bedroom, I'll say, "This is where the magic happens."
Phil: I'm sold!

Andy: Teenagers, huh?
Phil: Yeah, it's been happening more and more, but it's natural. Kids that age want distance. One day, they're holding your hand so tight it hurts. The next day, they're eating the apple you kind of wanted.

Andy: Not me. I never turned down an offer to hang with my dad. Luckily for him, he died before my rebellious teenage years.

Cameron: [to Stella] Okay, well, now, don't you worry about Wily not woving you yet. Aw, who's the little weeble wobble?
Jay: I can't watch this.