Jay: There's only one way to settle this... are you up for a little blind taste test?
Manny: Bring it.
Jay: Joe, go to the wine cellar, pick out five random bottles.
Manny: We have a wine cellar?
Joe: What's a wine cellar?

Mitchell: You were my first. And we'd both been through so much. I mean, I was neurotic. You had a-a bathroom off the kitchen. But we both found each other. [sniffles] Anyway, I... I-I-I feel like, um, I have to say something. It's not you. It's... It's me. [voice breaking] I just, um... I need more space. But we could still remember the good times. Um, like... like when I first moved in and all I had was that boombox. Yeah, um... what do you say? Yeah. Huh? One more time?
["(I've Had) The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes plays]
Mitchell: What do you say? Huh? Takes you right back, right? To Valentine's Day 2003... and four.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Gloria was right. Once I said goodbye, I was able to embrace this new house and spend the next few weeks getting ready for the baby. I just needed closure. And... And s... And so did the drapes. Because the... the dancing got, uh... g-got pretty dirty.
[back:]
Cameron: Mitchell! The baby's here. He's early.
Mitchell: What? I-I'm not ready!
Cameron: Well, get ready. And we will be discussing why you were "Time-of-my-Life-ing" without me.

Manny: That is a mature Napa Valley Cabernet.
Joe: Correct.
Manny: Unh! Eat that, old man!
Jay: You know, you don't have to spike the football every time you get an answer right. Only you could make talking about wine into something obnoxious.

Joe: And to reveal the answer...
Jay: Wait a minute. Maybe we shouldn't. Before we turned this into a competition, we were both having fun, right? We were doing something we both liked.
Manny: It did occur to me that this whole afternoon, neither one of us checked our watch once.
Jay: And if we flip this over, one of us is gonna feel bad and it could ruin the thing. I mean, let's face it, we don't have a ton in common, but today I saw a little bit of me in you. You can be a competitive jerk.
Manny: And based on that summer in Paris story, you can be kind of a sensitive, even perfumy type of...
Jay: That'll do. Look, when you get back from your trip, why don't we make this a thing? We'll have a wine tasting once a month... without the competition.
Manny: I'm in.
[After they both walk away from the bar, Manny returns to check the final card]
Manny: Damn it. [walks away]
Jay: Competitive bastard. [chuckling] Oh, I love that kid.

Claire: Time to face facts, honey. It's the grandparent's table for us.
Phil: Grandpa Phil, huh?
Claire: Mm.
Phil: Guess I could get used to shaving naked at the gym.

Phil: Don't worry. I got this.
Haley: What's with the bunny suit?
Phil: Well, I needed a plausible reason to be out in the yard.
Luke: It's your house.
Phil: Okay, I-I like the costume.

Phil: I've never seen so many pretty ones.
Boy: Mama! The Easter Bunny stole my basket!
Phil: T-That's because I'm the Easter Bandit. You were a little bad last year.
Boy: I know.
Girl #1: I have five now!
Phil: Five eggs?! Well, congratulations! You get to trade these five eggs for one... solar path light!
Girl #2: This egg's moving!
Phil: Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That is a magic egg. Close your eyes and make a wish. Okay.
Girl #2: Where's my egg?
Phil: Disappeared. Gotta go!

Claire: Well... I blame myself. You... You try to instill a sense of responsibility in your children, and... [voice breaking] obviously, I failed. [chuckles] I don't know why I'm surprised. It's the story of my life. [sighs] Loveless marriage, no job, and now... Some reason, I thought that being a mother would be the one thing I got right. Well... [sighs] Could you at least wait till Wednesday to cash this?
Doug: Um... No. Sorry about your miserable life. I have faith that you'll get it together. [pats Claire's arm]
Claire: [falls] Ohh!
Alex: Oh, Mom!
Claire: Oh! Oh, my wrist! My wrist! It's broken! He pushed me!
Doug: No, I didn't!
Meemaw: Yes! You did! I saw it.
Mimsy: That's elder abuse.
Claire: You messed with the wrong Gamma.

Mitchell: Okay, this is too soon. She wasn't supposed to give birth for two more weeks.
Cameron: Yeah, and, you know, not to be critical of women, but how hard is it just to hold it in? You know, I had that giant coffee and sat through Manny's one-man "Uncle Vanya."
Mitchell: We... We... We still haven't baby-proofed. We don't... We don't have a changing table.
Cameron: I haven't even started painting the mural above the baby's crib yet.
Mitchell: Okay, so I guess there are some positives.

Lily: Guys!
Cameron: Oh! Oh! Oh! [tires screech] Lily, I'm so sorry. I forgot you're back there. And every time you speak, it's like a... a ghost popping out.
Lily: There's no carseat back here.
Mitchell: Okay, Lily, you don't need a carseat.
Cameron: Honey, not everything is about you! Come on!
Lily: For the baby!