Cameron: Aww, goodbye, drawer dedicated to batteries and takeout menus. [gasps] And goodbye, wall dent, from when we thought Lily was a trombone prodigy. [Mitchell groans] Mitchell! That was your last eye roll in this house! You know what, when the new baby comes, can you not do it as much? Because, you know, you did it around Lily a lot, and...
Lily: [scoffs]
Cameron: Okay... hey, hey, no, no, no. Don't throw those away. I-I might want to use those for my big baby reveal to the family. If he's bald, I can do a whole Elton John thing.

[aside to camera:]
Alex: We made some temporary fixes and scheduled repairs for today, when Mom and Dad said they'd be at the beach. Then they came home early.
Haley: It's just hard when you can't trust family members.

Claire: "Don't Gamma and Grampy want to take a nap?" That's not insulting to you?
Phil: [snoring]
Claire: Phil. Phil!
Phil: I... wasn't sleeping. I was listening. And g-good for you. That is... That is a lot of steps for one day.

Claire: I was talking about the kids. They're treating us like actual grandparents instead of the... the... premature grandparents we clearly are. I'm the only one in my aqua aerobics class who doesn't need two noodles. [chuckles]

Haley: We have to cancel the party!
Dylan: What? No way! We just got back in with this parent group after our daughter's biting spree.
Haley: If they didn't love their kids being gummed by an adorable toddler, I don't think they're gonna love their kids getting punctured by a python!

Manny: I'll stop by the store on my way back.
Joe: While you're there, would you be a prince and pick me up a soda? I've got homework.
Jay: Where'd you get a fifty?
Joe: Don't worry about it.

Gloria: I mean, you have been a crab all day long.
Mitchell: How do you know? You haven't even been around us!
Gloria: I took a crazy guess. Look, this is buyer's remorse. I learned that from my mentor, Phil Dunphy, and I know how to fix it. Come with me if you want to live... in this house... and not be a bummer to everyone.

Meemaw: Oh! This must be the grandparents' table!
Claire: I wouldn't say that.
Phil: No, I d... I don't think...
Haley: These are the kids' grandparents, Gamma and Grampy.
Meemaw: Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Meemaw. This is Bobo. Have you met GimGim and Mimsy?
Claire: Oh, you know what? Why don't you take our seats? I think we're at the wrong table. [groans] Oh! My back!
Mimsy: Oh, it happens to me all the time. I'm gonna get you the name of these shoes.

Meemaw: And get this, Gerald fell again. Wrist this time. That man's got more pins in him than a tailor's mouth.
Mimsy: He never learned how to fall the right way. Too proud.
Phil: Wait, there's a right way to fall?
Claire: Really? A follow-up?
Mimsy: Resist the temptation to break the fall with the hands. Land on your bottom. Aim for the meat, not the bone. [falls back]
Phil: Oh... Mimsy! [guests gasp]
Mimsy: See? Good as new. My dear husband, such a gentleman. He always opens the bathtub door for me.

Jay: Now it's time for the bottle I brought.
Joe: Unh-unh-unh! Fresh glasses.