Mitchell: Where are the movers?
Gloria: Those were no movers. They were just men carrying boxes. [glass shattering] Those things were broken before we packed them, huh?

Mitchell: Oh, God, this is bad. This is really bad. We don't have diapers, we don't have formula...
Cameron: I don't even know where we live. If somebody asks for an address, what am I supposed to say? "Some new house someplace"?

Lily: Guys.
Mitchell: Aaah!
Cameron: Ohhh, my gosh!
Mitchell: O-O-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're awful. We haven't even checked in with you. You... You must be freaking out, too.
Lily: No, I'm not, and neither are you. This is just your process. You get hysterical, you worry about every detail, then you turn on each other...
Cameron: No, we don't!
Mitchell: Yes, we do.
Cameron: How dare you.
Lily: And after all that craziness, when it really matters the most, you...
Mitchell: W-What?
Cameron: W-W-What do we do?
Mitchell: Our son.
Cameron: He's beautiful.
Lily: We got this.

Mitchell: Okay, so, Gloria said she set up Joe's old bassinet in our bedroom, and I think we have enough diapers to last us till morning. D-Don't forget to support his head.
Cameron: I will. It's not my first rodeo. [gasps] Oh, I can't wait to take him to his first rodeo.
Mitchell: [chuckles] Okay, um, she's asking what time she should bring everyone by for the baby reveal.
Cameron: I don't know, may... Maybe it should just be the four of us tonight, huh?
Mitchell: Aww. You know, I... think I finally realized what this house has been missing all along. [baby coos] Recessed lighting.
Cameron: Totally.

Luke: You know, we're running low on jungle juice. Just soak it up with a towel and wring it back into your cup.

Gloria: Welcome to your new house!
Mitchell: I don't remember this room feeling so stark and cold.
Gloria: Luckily this is a smart house. Adam, warm light mode.
Adam: Initiating.
Mitchell: Oh! Oh, no... no! No, that just brings out the molding around the windows. I... Does it feel like we're in a nursing home?
Gloria: Adam, party mode!
Adam: Initiating.
Mitchell: Oh, God. No! No, that's... that's even worse. I'm... I'm sorry, I just... I don't feel like I've ever been in this house before. Adam, I swear to God!

Young Mom: Oh, you all got the TikTok invite Bridget from Quibi sent out for her matcha pop-up on Thursday, right? You guys down?
Phil: Oh, yeah, that sounds... frosty.

Luke: Shut up! Mom, I know you told me not to buy expensive sunglasses because I'd only lose them, but then I...
Claire: They're on your head.
Luke: Oh. Cool.

Doug: What is the big emergency, Alex? I was using my Shop-Vac to give myself a hickey to show the guys at game night.
Claire: Hello, Doug.
Doug: Oh. The mother.
Claire: Look, Alex isn't coming to game night. She's also not cooking you ribs, doing your laundry, or getting you an online M.B.A.
Alex: Actually, I might finish that. I really think we could make the Dean's List.

[aside to camera:]
Alex: Last weekend, Mom and Dad went to the artichoke festival in Monterey.
Haley: And Dylan's mom had the twins, so we took the opportunity to have a little party, just to see if we still had it in us. We did.
[flashback:]
Haley: I'm trackin' the pizza guy, the pizza guy, the pizza guy! His name is Ibrahim! Don't forget the garlic knots, garlic knots, garlic knots!