Claire: I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil: That's the point, Claire.
Claire: It was overkill.
Phil: You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

Haley: Here comes dad. He's gonna be all like, "No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!"
Phil: No! What did you do?! Where's Awesomeland?!
Luke: Are you from the future?

Phil: Thanks for inviting me to your party, brah! Sweet jams. Where are all the fillies at?!
Luke: Dad?
Phil: Dad? I'm Rod Skyhook -- recent transfer student, yo! What's that knockin'? Oh, it's me, about to get this party rockin'!
Luke: Oh, God.
Phil: It's all good up under the hood, biznatches! Pretty soon, every kid in here's gonna call everyone they know, tell them to get their butts down here. You want to gas up the foot traffic-
Luke: I'm not inviting parents.
Phil: Your party, broseph! Sorry, Jack. I'm gonna need some beats! ['80s hip-hop plays]

Cameron: Look, in the hallway! It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super-out-of-breath.
Cameron: Happy Halloween to you, too.

Phil: [aside to camera] We love Halloween, especially Claire.
Claire: It's my favorite holiday. Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. If there was a new horror movie in town I was the first in line. [holding up her stump] One, please. Then I met Phil.
Phil: [with his fake hand] Two, please.

Claire: What the hell is that?
Haley: What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Claire: Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen? Change it.

Claire: All right, now. I just wanna run through this really quick with everybody. Uh, first it's "Trick or treat" and then Phil
Phil: "Come in, if you dare."
Claire: Right, and then Dad does the thunder and the lightning and the fog. Usher the children in, past Alex in her cage.
Alex: I'm in a cage?
Claire: Yes. You're in a house of horrors, being held against your will.
Alex: Yeah, I know. So why do we need the cage?
Claire: And then Gloria pops up as the evil village bruja and she says "Welcome to your nightmare. [cackling]" And then Cam and Haley do their thing. Kids get their candy. They are ushered out. They think it's all over, but it's not because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life. Pow! For one final "aah!" And that's Mitchell. You're the scarecrow.

Cameron: Claire, I don't know that I'm feeling up to this.
Claire: Why, Cam? What happened that is so awful you simultaneously can't speak of it and yet can't stop talking about it?
Cameron: I can't. It's too emotional.
Claire: Okay. Some other time.
Cameron: I was 10. Dressed as Quasimodo, on a front porch with my best friend, Timmy Reglar, a Ghostbuster. There was a bucket of candy with a sign. It said "Take one."
Claire: One.
Cameron: Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in his bag. Timmy didn't play by the rules. It's what I liked and feared about him. Then the bag broke. As a crowd of kids rounded the corner, saw the pile of candy Timmy said, "Cam did it!"
Kids: Trick or treat!
Claire: Oh, good. Aren't you glad you got that out?

Haley: Now your treats are over here but with all the fog, you may not be able to see ahead.
Cameron: And everyone was screaming, "That's him! Get Quasimodo!" And then the townspeople started chasing me and that's when I wet my pants! I wet my pants! I wet my pants.
Boy: This place is weird.

Claire: I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more "family friendly".
Alex: We can't even carve a pumpkin?
Claire: The petition was very specific.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But, apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.