Barney: I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't do this.
Robin: What?
Barney: This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea!
Robin: What is?
Barney: I should just go. I should just go!
Robin: Okay, okay, just tell me what is going on.
Barney: I love my penis, Robin.
Robin: Oh, Barney, you promised.
Barney: I do! I love it! If I could kiss it, I would. I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't tried.
Robin: I'm not comfortable with this conversation.
Barney: Oh, come on, Robin, it's my penis we're talking about. You've seen her, she's magnificent.
Robin: She?
Barney: Every penis is a girl, Robin. Everyone knows that. Like... ships and lake monsters.

Robin: Back to our fight?
Ted: Back to our fight. I cannot believe you screamed at that woman at Zabar's.
Robin: She was trying to cut in line. She was gonna get the last kugel.
Ted: She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel.
Robin: Sometimes in life, you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself.
Ted: You called her a whore.
Robin: Who wears that much makeup?!
Ted: Old ladies!
Robin: Who take money for sex. Exactly.

Robin: Look, I'm sorry. If I would've left things in your dainty, lily-white, never-ripped-an-old-lady's-wig-off hands, we would be kugel-free right now.
Ted: Oh, so, what, I'm too nice?
Robin: You never stand up for yourself. Remember that sixth grader who kept stealing your lunch?
Ted: High school was a tough time for me, okay? And that girl was muscular. Forearms like Popeye.
Ted: How do you even know about that?
Robin: Marshall told me. He also said that you had your mom stop making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because of that girl's nut allergy.
Ted: I didn't want to add to her health problems. She was already in a wheelchair.

Ted: Robin here has spent all day learning how to make kugel. Couldn't figure it out. This is from Zabar's.
Robin: Can we heat it up in your oven?
Marshall: Faster than heating it up in the refrigerator. I've had a few cocktails.

Marshall: Mr. Cootes. Hey, isn't it nice to finally have a night off?
Garrison Cootes: It is. But tonight is not that night. We're going back to the office in 45 minutes.
Marshall: But, sir, this is our housewarming party.
Garrison Cootes: You know, Mother Earth is also having a "housewarming" party, too, only hers ends with humankind at the bottom of a rising ocean, passing through the digestive tract of a stingray. By the way, it's a lovely home.
Lily: Mr. Cootes, I know you're a vegan, so I, uh, I got some vegan spring rolls for you over there.
Garrison Cootes: Oh, nummies!

Marshall: Ted, baby Gouda's coming out. Look alive.

Barney: [takes her drink] For God's sake, Lily, you're pregnant. [takes Ted's drink] For God's sake, Ted, Lily's pregnant.

Marshall: And Gouda! She's a beauta.

Lily: Don't eat that.
Robin: What?
Lily: [knocks gouda onto floor] Whoops! Oh, it's ruined.
Robin: It's not ruined. Ten second rule.
Lily: [stomps on the cheese] Eight, nine, ten, and it's ruined.

Barney: Man, I can't believe these are vegan. I've had, like, 20 of 'em.
Woman: I should get the name of this caterer. It's my kitten's Bat Mitzvah next week. She's finally becoming a cat.
Barney: Oh, God, you are crazy. [sees her cleavage] About cats.
Woman: Cats are so honest and real with their affections. Ever since my divorce, it's just been one liar after another. That's why it's so refreshing to meet someone honest like you, Special Agent Gary Powers.
Barney: Listen... I think we can agree there's something here. Something big, that looks and probably feels real. Maybe we can go back to your place.
Woman: I can't ask you to delay intercepting those asteroids.
Barney: I do need to intercept those asteroids.
Woman: I think we need to have sex right now. Meet me in the upstairs guest bedroom in two minutes.