Lily: Barney, that woman you were talking to, our neighbor Geraldine, some guy slept with her and didn't call her, so she hunted him down and cut off a certain part of his anatomy with a cheese knife. So, whatever you do, don't sleep with her.
Barney: It's funny, she is, um, waiting for me in the guest bedroom right now.
Lily: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Barney: That was the idea, but now forget it!

Lily: I got that cheese off the Internet.
Barney: I know you got it off the Internet. Why does that make it impressive? You know what else you can find on the Internet? Zoo animals masturbating. There's one of a walrus. [chuckles] He's...

Garrison Cootes: Marshall, look, I know when you started with this firm, it was all fun and games. The office chair races were particularly spirited. Until, of course, Gail went down the stairs. But for one brief moment, boy, did she fly.

Marshall: Mr. Cootes, you're working yourself to death. Just cut loose a little. Have a beer, find a hobby.
Garrison Cootes: Look, son, it's very simple. Um, Mother Earth doesn't get a night off. Neither do you.
Marshall: Well, then I quit.

Garrison Cootes: Maybe he's right. Maybe I do need a hobby.
Mickey: Well, hey, how about beekeeping?
Garrison Cootes: Me? No. I-I don't know the first thing about bees.
Mickey: You want to know a secret? Neither do I.
Garrison Cootes: It's not a secret.

Marshall: Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, Mr. Cootes! Mr. Cootes, are you okay?!
Garrison Cootes: That was amazing! Did you see me?! I flew through the air like a human fireball and didn't get a scratch. Eat your heart out, Gail! God, I feel so alive! I want to drink a beer.
Marshall: Oh, yeah. Okay, one beer, coming right up.
Garrison Cootes: Oh, and, uh, Marshall, I think we'll take the night off tonight, okay?
Marshall: Sounds good, yeah.
Garrison Cootes: But I'll see you Monday?
Marshall: Of course.

Ted: You know, Robin, I've been thinking about it. Guess it's kind of nice you're such a badass.
Robin: It's pretty badass you're so nice, Ted.

Woman: God, this feels so right! We're so great together. I want to spend every minute of every day with you. I never let you out of my sight for one second. Not one second, not one second. I don't! Oh, God! My last lover was not like this. He was the worst! [Barney starts to sneak out of bed] Do you know, he didn't even come to my cat's bris. I mean, what? Well, we showed him. Yes, we did. Let's just say, the punishment fit the crime. I can't wait to tell everybody that we're boyfriend and girlfriend! [Barney hears all the bees buzzing outside] Let's do it tonight. No, it's Lily and Marshall's party. We'll wait. We can do it at Mittens and Mr. Pepper's wedding. Or maybe something... [Barney runs out into the bee-ridden house]
Barney: [screams]