Barney: Some jerk was just here. And he was all, like, "I can't believe these are vegan. I've had, like, 20 of 'em."
Garrison Cootes: Point me into the direction of this scoundrel.
Barney: Um... it was that guy. [points to Ted]

Marshall: I can't believe that he's making us go to work tonight. I mean, I think it's time that somebody took him aside and told him this is not how you treat your staff.
Lily: Well, I'm sort of busy with the party right now.
Marshall: Fine. I'll do it myself. But he's gonna scream at me, and you know that I can't stand up to screaming.
Lily: Just go talk to him!
Marshall: I think I should go talk to him.

Marshall: Robin. Okay, listen, I need your help. I'm about to get in a screaming match with my boss, and I'm not good at getting screamed at, so I need you to warm me up.
Robin: How?
Marshall: I want you to scream at me. You know, like you do to strangers on the street at the slightest provocation.
Robin: I don't do that.
Marshall: Come on, lay some of that classic Scherbatsky mean son of a bitch on me. Treat me like I'm a Girl Scout trying to sell you cookies.
Robin: Four dollars a box and you're out of Thin Mints?! You green little...! I don't do that!
Marshall: Come on, scream at me.

Barney: Robin, can I talk to you about something very dear to me?
Robin: Promise me this isn't about your penis.
Barney: I promise it isn't about my penis.

Lily: I don't need this right now, Ted. I swear, if there's one more crisis...
Mickey: Well, the bees escaped their enclosure, but no reason to "bee" concerned. [laughs] No, there is, we're in big trouble.
Lily: What is that smell?
Mickey: Oh, I doused my suit with kerosene. All beekeepers do this.

Lily: Every 30 seconds, there's another crisis that needs to be dealt with and I have to deal with it. This is... Oh, God. This is parenthood, isn't it?
Ted: So they say.
Lily: Okay, it's official. I thought I could do it, but I can't. No, Marshall's always at work. He's got to go back tonight. And I don't know if I can handle a life that's just one crisis after another.
Ted: Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna give you a little piece of...
Marshall: Gouda!
Lily: God.
Ted: Crisis?
Lily: Crisis.

Marshall: But, hey, what's going on with Robin? I called her a mean son of a bitch and she took it all weird.
Ted: She did?
Marshall: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Mickey: Hey, buddy. Best housewarming party ever. Everybody's abuzz. Abuzz.
Marshall: Oh, good one, Mickey.

Robin: Your problem is any time you're faced with the least bit of confrontation, you run away.
Ted: Oh, I run away from confrontation? [backs out of the room]

Barney: Hey, nice beekeeper suit.
Mickey: Do you know that, uh, most bees are left-handed?
Barney: Did you know bees hate the smell of kerosene?
Mickey: I knew that. Geez, what do you think, this is my first day as a beekeeper? [exits]
Robin: Is that true about bees and kerosene?
Barney: I don't know.