Ted Quote #1131
Victoria: Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
Ted: All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?
Victoria: Well, not all. We had five last-minute no-shows. Well, six.
Mrs. Matsen: Mazel tov, Ted. I was starting to think this would never happen.
Ted: Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen.
Mrs. Matsen: I told you he wasn't gay.
Ted: Wait, what?
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.
TSA Agent: Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace my luggage, too?
Quinn: Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
TSA Agent: What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic trick. You see, I'm something of a magician.
TSA Agent: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] Oh, I can't do that. [dog barks]
TSA Agent #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh, no. He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
[The TSA agents pull their guns on Barney]
Quinn: Oh, my God!
TSA Agent: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.
Quote from Ted
[a little ways down the road:]
Ted: The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?
Marshall: Yeah. Just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.
[Ted knocks on a door and walks in]
Ted: The bride wants to see me?
[Robin turns around]
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!