Marshall: Did he say he found a hobo?
Ted: Okay, yes. There are problems. But I see this house for what I know it can be. I see a swing on that tree outside. I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas, I see a grill out on that patio, where I'll be barbecuing every weekend. I see a life that I know I can have here.
[floorboard groans]
Inspector: Mama!
[The inspector falls through the floor and lands near the group]
Barney: I see a lawsuit.
Inspector: Found termites.

Robin: I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth in the first place.
Don: No, I acted like a total drama queen. That's not offensive, right?
Ted: Still not gay.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I had just started dating Zoey. And when you first start dating someone, everyone wants to know the same thing.
Ted: How did we meet?
Zoey: Oh, Ted, she doesn't want...
Ted: No, it's a cute story. [v.o.] Once upon a time, Zoey was married to this super rich, super creepy guy called The Captain. So when Zoey and I became friends, I was careful not to cross any lines.
[flashback to Zoey on the couch with popcorn. Ted sits far back at his desk:]
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie is scary.
Ted: I know, right?
Ted: [v.o.] But then one day, Zoey and The Captain had a huge fight. He flipped out and demanded a divorce. And she was heartbroken. But after a little soul-searching, she ended up back in my life, and the rest, as they say, is history.
[present:]
Wendy: Actually, I said, "How's your meat?"
Ted: Oh. A little cold.
Wendy: Gee, wonder why.

Ted: Uh, Barney, uh, where did you get this baby?
Barney: Please.
Ted: Did you adopt it?
Barney: Please.
Ted: Do you have a baby guy? Did Guy the guy guy get you a baby guy?

Ted: Wow. Just wow. Ted Mosby. I'm a former student of yours. You know, I actually became an architect. Any chance you remember me?
Professor Vinick: Oh, please excuse me, I've been teaching for over 20 years. All the faces start to blend together unless you have a, a weird mustache or, or something.
Ted: Junior year I tried to grow muttonchops, but people kept saying my face made them nauseous. Well, not people. You. Anyway, I would be honored if you, if you took a look at my building.
Professor Vinick: This... is hideous. You'll never be an architect. [echoes] You'll never be an architect. You'll never be an architect. You'll never be an architect! You'll never be an architect.
Professor Vinick: Wait. I was mistaken. You most definitely will be an architect.
Ted: Really?
Professor Vinick: These are astonishing, Handlebar Pete.

Ted: "Say goodbye to the Empire State Building."
Lily: Bro.
Ted: What? Sometimes I go talk to her about life.
[fantasy of Ted talking to a wall:]
Ted: And I just hate the thought of leaving you, Empy, but my gut tells me my future's in Chicago. What do you think?
Man: [o.s.] You need to move.
Ted: Oh, my God. Really? Are you sure?
Police Officer: Yeah, I'm sure. You can't just stand there talking to a building and petting it. Wait, are you one of those freaks who's sexually attracted to buildings?
Ted: An objectophiliac? No way.
Police Officer: Then why do you know what they're called?
[present:]
Lily: Why do you know what they're called?

Marshall: [on the phone] Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spent six years passive-aggressively drinking coffee around you.
Marshall: And I shouldn't have taken that sewing class to learn to make that present costume.
Ted: I regret all of it.
Marshall: Me too. Except I actually don't regret that sewing class. I learned a fun and useful lifetime skill. But seriously, even without the coffeemaker, you've given us more than enough.
Ted: Well, there is one more gift on the way.
Marshall: Whatever it is, send it back. [horn honks]
Ted: It's a little late for that.
Man: [in car next to Marshall] Marshall Eriksen?
Marshall: Yes?
Man: I got your pizza.
Marshall: Ted. You are the best friend ever.
Ted: Don't say another word, Marshall. Save it for the thank-you note.
Marshall: You got it, buddy.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, I got that thank-you note. Four months later. Four months.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Not far from the Farhampton Inn, there's a lighthouse. It's a really special place, and that morning I wanted to see it for myself. There was just one problem.
Curtis: Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself to the top of a very romantic, and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse. [whistles] I don't want your blood on my hands, and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to... to hose down the rocks.

Lily: Wait a minute. What happened to that girl Cassie?
Ted: Cassie?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Cassie was the girl I'd spent the entire previous night consoling. Just consoling.
Ted: Yeah, that's not happening.
Future Ted: And then, in her anger, Lily gave me a piece of advice about which she would later say...
[flash-forward:]
Lily: Oh, doggy, that was some bad advice.
[present:]
Lily: Okay, here's why you're an idiot. Did you find Cassie attractive?
Ted: I guess.
Lily: Is she a relatively normal height?
Ted: Yeah.
Lily: So end up with her already. God, do you really think that you're gonna find some perfect girl who checks off every item on your list?
Ted: Well, not every item. I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins. Although it would be nice, just once, not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.

Ted: So you reporting a news story or something?
Robin: Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news.
Ted: Wow, kid in a crane machine. [to Leroy] You just had to have that toy didn't ya? Couldn't play the game like everyone else.
Leroy: You're all sweaty!
Ted: Cute kid. [wipes forehead]