Morgan: Look, I need to see Tim. I've been trying to convince him to stay with Tool Time. He keeps turning me down.
Jill: He hated what you did to his show.
Morgan: No. That's all changed since the last episode. We offered to make him the executive producer and we offered to give him a big raise. But he won't budge. Something about Indiana.
Jill: He turned you down because of my job offer?
Morgan: I guess so. Must be hard for you to live with that one on your shoulder.
Jill: Look, I resent you trying to make me feel guilty. Now, if you don't mind, we're in the middle of a wedding. To which you were not invited.
Morgan: All right. But I'm gonna lose my job.
Jill: I'm terribly sorry. Please, go.
Morgan: All right, I'm Morgan Wandell.
Jill: Yeah.
Morgan: I'm Morgan Wandell. [Jill slams the door in his face]

Jill: Western Michigan is giving Tim an honorary doctorate.
Wilson: Tim?
Jill: Yeah. I mean, here I am killing myself to get an advanced degree. They just hand him one. I'm trying not to be - I just can't -
Wilson: Well, well, well. Jill, Jill, Jill. I've never been a proponent of symbolic gestures, but Tim is your husband, he is my neighbor. We should be happy.
Jill: You're right.

Jill: This thing can't possibly survive inside of your stomach. Look, you're just gonna digest it like a piece of fruit.
Mark: You sure?
Jill: I'm positive. You're just gonna poop that thing right out. Now, just go outside and play. Listen, eating a tadpole's no big deal. [closes door] Aaargh! Gross! That is so gross.

Tim: Oh, you guys scoff. This episode will blow those Swedes right out of their Volvos. It's a whole salute to men: men and their hobbies, men's gadgets, a man's gym.
Jill: And what about the European women? What's in it for them?
Tim: Same thing that's in it for the American women.
Jill: Al?

Jill: Honey, don't put that in the dishwasher. You have to rinse it off first.
Tim: I gotta wash the dish before I put it in the dishwasher?
Jill: Yeah. That spray's not strong enough for egg yolk.
Tim: It would be if we had a man's dishwasher... but, no, you insisted on the Lady Soft Touch decor series. Little tiny buttons that no man can...
Jill: I am so sorry. The grunting-hairy-ape model was sold out. [grunts]
Tim: [grunts]
Jill: Just rinse the dish.

Mark: Hey, Mom, did you get the notebooks?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left. But they did have these two blank ones and this one. [Brad and Mark each grab a notebook]
Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it.
Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Randy: Why don't you just pin a note to my back that says, "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school.
Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can... you can... draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Jill: No, really, honey. I'm so cold. Would you go and check the furnace? Because I think the pilot light must be out.
Tim: You're saying lighting a pilot's a man's job?
Jill: No. I'm saying it's your job.
Tim: Look, you're afraid to go down into that deep, dark basement, aren't you?
Jill: No, I'm not afraid. I just don't like it, you know. When the furnace goes whoosh!

Jill: Honey, you have to do the furnace now because Mark's Scout troop is coming. And I don't want a house full of little frozen Cub-sicles.

Jill: How are you feeling?
Tim: Stupid. I felt like a jerk in front of those Cub Scouts today.
Jill: Oh, they had a great time, and they learned some colorful new vocabulary.

Tim: My youngest son gave me a snake badge for bravery.
Jill: Well, you did get rid of that snake. But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without you. I think it's yours.
Jill: Well, we'll share it. You know, I think we deserve a little pampering. How would you like to have a nice, hot bath with bubbles?
Tim: I'd like that... Bubbles.