Tim: Mustang manifold, something purple and sticky. Lick it.
Al: What?
Tim: Well, you got to make sure it's the right one. Lick it.
Al: Man!
George: Why is he licking the manifold?
Tim: It doesn't make him a bad person.
Al: That's boysenberry, all right. I think we have our evidence.
Tim: You can stop licking it now.

Carl: Hey, wait a minute. I know you.
Tim: No, you don't.
Carl: Yeah. You're The Tool Man. The guy who has all those accidents.
George: Well, you're about to have an even bigger accident. Give me that video camera!
Al: No! Never! Never! Tim, take it! Run! Run, Tim!
Police Officer #1: What's going on here?
Police Officer #2: We got a call from someone named Heidi that there's a problem.
Carl: Oh, no. There's no problem here.
Al: Thank God, you guys are here. These are hardened criminals. I know because I met George in prison.

Tim: We have evidence that these gentlemen are selling stolen car parts.
George: Oh, they don't have squat.
Tim: I got more than squat. I got boysenberry jelly on a manifold.
Police Officer #2: You got a manifold with jelly?
Al: That's right. I ought to know. I licked it.
Tim: This manifold was stolen off my son's car and I've got a videotape to prove it.
Al: Here you go, officers. [laughs] What do you think now, punks?
George: I can't believe I let you borrow my soap.

Marty: Well, you got a rich girlfriend.
Tim: Trudy!
Al: I can't ask Trudy. I mean, if I let her buy the hardware store for me, I'd feel like I was taking money for sexual favors.
Marty: Wow, I didn't realize Harry's retirement could send you spiraling into a life of prostitution.

Tim: We did that to prove a point.
Al: That in the wrong hands, even water is flammable.
Heidi: That's right. And we'll be right back after these important commercial messages. [theme music plays]
Tim: Hi, I'm Tim Taylor. You probably know me from Tool Time. What you probably don't know is I'm now the proud new owner of Harry's Hardware.
Al: [clears throat] Tim, aren't you forgetting something?
Tim: Yes. And Al is my silent partner. Show them how that works.

Al: Now that service is going to get even better.
Tim: That's right. We're proud to introduce Harry's new Video Tool Library. So, come on down to the store and borrow a video for any project you might be working on, absolutely free!
Tim: Did you say free?
Al: I said free!
Tim: And that's not all. If you have any questions about any one of the videos, you can call us at our 24-hour tool line.
Al: That's right. Tim and I bought these cell phones for the express purpose of being there for you!
Tim: Al and I are standing by 24 hours a day to attend to all the questions of our hardware store customers. Call us anytime, 24 hours a day, night or day, day or night! [phone rings]
Al: [answers phone] Harry's on call! No problem too small! No, Mother. This won't conflict with square-dancing night.
Tim: Harry's Hardware!

Al: Now we're gonna continue with our week-long salute...
Tim: Stop for a minute. You know, folks, I've been doing this show for 10 years now. And Binford shows their appreciation by taking away all my tools and making me dress like a banana? You know, I'm as much a company man as the next guy, but eventually a Tool Man's got to do what a Tool Man's got to do. And I'm getting out of this stupid thing. [removes overalls]
Heidi: Yeah. Me, too. [removes overalls]
Tim: Thanks, Heidi. Al, you with us?
Al: Uh... I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Come on, Al. This is about integrity, man.
Al: No, I'd really... I'd rather not.
Tim: Come on.
Al: I'd... No...
Tim: It's about unity, Al.
Al: I... I... No!
[When Tim rips Al's overalls off, he is wearing only a flannel dickey and a pair of boxers]

Jill: Ooh. I think he's gonna tell her now. I see the ring coming out.
Al: Mother, I have some great news. I've decided to make Trudy my bride.
[Alma groans and falls out of her chair, hitting the ground with a thud.]
Al: Oh, my God! Somebody call a paramedic!
[After he goes over to help, Tim removes the chicken drumstick from Alma's hand]

Al: What are you doing here?
Trudy: I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I haven't seen or heard from you since your mother died.
Al: Well, I've been taking care of business. You know, a lot of things going on.
Trudy: I figured that. Lookit, I made you a shepherd's pie. Just the way you like it, with double meat.
Al: Thanks.

Wilson: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to celebrate the life of Alma Borland. A warm, loving woman who raised two exceptional sons, Cal and Al. Her youngest, Al, would now like to say a few words.
Al: My mother was a great lady. [sobs] I'm sorry!
Wilson: Cal, would you like to say anything?
Cal: I did... Until I talked to Jill.