Richard: When you were born, I decided to celebrate, so as soon as your mother went to sleep, I left the hospital, I called my business manager and I made a real estate investment.
Lorelai: You do know how to party, don't you?
Richard: I made this investment in your name.
Lorelai: Wow, most people just buy a stuffed bear. This is better.
Richard: I thought so. Anyhow, a little while ago, I got a letter from a lawyer who is representing the investment group informing me that the government is building a road right through the middle of your investment.
Lorelai: Sad.
Richard: Which means that the complex has been sold and all the investors will be receiving a check.
Lorelai: Happy.

Lorelai: Listen, Dad, this money isn't...
Richard: Isn't what?
Lorelai: It isn't some kind of gift, is it?
Richard: Gift?
Lorelai: Like a birthday gift. Because if it is, it's too much and I can't...
Richard: This isn't a gift. I made this investment in your name. You received a check, that's the way these things work. Legally, I'm obligated to give you that. This isn't charity or generosity, it is the law.
Lorelai: It's the law that I get to keep seventy-five thousand dollars.
Richard: Enjoy the shoes.

Lorelai: Ah, more secret birthday calls.
Rory: Not everything is about you. It could be Jess.
Lorelai: It's about me.
Rory: It could be Lane.
Lorelai: It's about me.
Rory: It could be Paris, it could be Madeline, it could be Louise, it could be a myriad of other people wanting only to talk to me about me.
Lorelai: It's about me.

Pete: [on the phone] We did a trial run of the pizza. You know, just wanna make sure everything was right there for the big day, you know.
Rory: I appreciate that.
Pete: So we made a trial pizza, and Kirk built a pizza rack on top of his car, you with me?
Rory: Like a bad habit, Pete.
Pete: So as Kirk's putting the pizza on the rack, the thing collapses, the pizza slips, long story short... Kirk has got some severe cheese burns.
Rory: Oh my God, is he all right? [Pete groans]
Pete: Who knows? The point is... I think the pizza needs to be cheeseless.
Rory: What?
Pete: And possibly sauceless.
Rory: Pete.
Pete: The thing's a hazard, babe.
Rory: Pete, did it ever occur to you that the problem may not be the pizza, it may be Kirk?
Pete: Did not occur to me.
Rory: Well, it should have. The pizza has to have cheese and sauce, otherwise, it's not a pizza. It's bread.
Pete: Okay, look, if you're gonna insist on the cheese and the sauce, you're gonna have to provide the transportation yourself.
Rory: Fine, Pete, I will figure something out.
Pete: Roger wilco, senorita.

Lorelai: Who was it?
Rory: Astrid from school. She's leaving for Europe for a week and she wants me to take notes and email her everything. She's afraid she's gonna fall behind.
Lorelai: It was about me.

Luke: You have to go to school, Jess.
Jess: I go enough.
Luke: What does that mean?
Jess: It means I go enough. It's public school. My history teacher is also the football coach, get the picture?

Michel: Lorelai. I have a little something for you.
Lorelai: For me?
Michel: Yes. I wasn't sure it would get here in time since I ordered it from Madrid, but thank God it made it. Happy birthday.
Lorelai: You bought me a present?
Michel: Yes.
Lorelai: You've never bought me a present.
Michel: I have, too.
Lorelai: Not once in the five years I've known you have you ever...
Michel: Just open up the bag, please.
Lorelai: Oh, Michel, it's beautiful.
Michel: Yes, well, I wanted it to be special, you know. Not just some knick- knack you could pick up at the supermarket or the car wash.

Michel: Who is Joe Strummer?
Lorelai: You did not get me this.
Michel: Is he a Hell's Angel man?
Tobin: Joe Strummer is from The Clash.
Lorelai: The Clash is a band.
Tobin: And a band is a...
Michel: I know what a band is.
Lorelai: He just died, and Rory and Lane have been in mourning for months, and now I have his jacket. And, oh my God, this is by far the coolest thing I have ever gotten. God. Oh, smell it, it smells like Joe.
Michel: Well, this is wonderful, to smell like a dead guy. You'll have to beat them off with a stick.

Mrs. Leahy: The whole experience is like the most fabulous roller coaster ride you can imagine. From the time they're born to that first step. The first word. The first time they hug you. The first time they pick out their own outfits.
Luke: The first time they tell you they're going to school and then you follow them, and they get in their car and drive to Wal-Mart.
Mr. Leahy: Wal-Mart?
Luke: And they think you don't know. They think you're just a moron and you're going, “"Hey, they must be telling me the truth, right?" And they don't think that maybe you know that they're lying to your face and that you're really mad because you guys had an agreement.
Mrs. Leahy: Oh, dear.
Luke: And that agreement was clear, very clear. And they know that breaking that agreement is a violation of everything you had talked about. Oh yeah, that is cute. That's just darling. I can't wait to experience that again. I'm sorry, did someone mention cheese?

Pete: We've solved the problem of transporting the big pizza thing.
Kirk: I was of little help since I'm currently in excruciating pain.
Pete: Instead of this whole one huge pizza concept, we're gonna do a hundred little pizzas all sitting next to each other.
Rory: What?
Joe: Like a pizza doily.
Rory: I don't want a pizza doily.
Pete: Okay, less a doily, more of a collage.
Rory: I don't want a pizza collage either.
Joe: Hey guys, I got another idea. How about we put the pizzas together, and then put pepperonis over the open spots. So it looks like one big pizza, tricky.
Rory: Okay, hold on.
Pete: Or we could put cheese over the holes.
Kirk: Please don't say the C-word.