Donny: Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip.
Niles: Oh, are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet.
Donny: All right, let me go talk to Maris's lawyers.
Niles: No, no, no. There's some news you want to deliver yourself. [picks up the phone] May I?
Donny: Absolutely.
Niles: [on the phone] Hello, Marta, I'd like to speak to Maris. Oh, why not? Ah. [to Donny] She's in the final level of her guru serenity training, the week-long vow of silence, day six. [on the phone] No, no, Marta, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message. I've flushed out her family secret. Hel-looooo, Maris!

Niles: Four rodent hairs, and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle. [The kids yell out in disgust] Okay, I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate. Per 100 grams, the government allows an average of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair. [The kids cry out again] But let's say you want to play it safe. Maybe drink a can of fruit juice. That's healthy... or is it? Well, sure, if your idea of healthy is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot! This is your government, people!

Martin: The principal asked us to come back and have an assembly for all the fourth graders.
Niles: Dad, good luck. It's well known that of the cruelest grades, ninth is third, seventh is second, and fourth is first.

Frasier: "Maris Crane is believed to have gotten the crossbow from her ex-husband, Dr. Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day of the murder."
Martin: Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
Niles: Ah, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gstaad. [wistfully] So, yes.

Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

Niles: Well, you ready for our boys night out at Le Cochon Noir?
Frasier: Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I asked Dad to join us?
Niles: Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost a whole star.

Sherry: Ooh, I love this apartment. Wow, that's some view you've got.
Frasier: Thank you.
Sherry: Which room's mine? [Frasier and Niles stare in horror] Gotcha!
Martin: She's always doing stuff like that.
Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me humor is like medicine.
Niles: Guess we're in the placebo group.

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Good evening, Frasier. You left your Mont Blanc in my car, so I... Oh. I see cocktails. Hors d'oeuvres. Mingling. If I were the suspicious type, I'd say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited.
[Martin walks over to Niles with a tray of sausages]
Martin: Feel like a wiener, Niles?
Niles: Indeed I do.

Martin: So how did it go? Or should I say, how big a scene did she make?
Niles: Actually, she did quite well. She willingly joined in the ceremonial chanting. When the shaman invited those so inclined to embrace their favorite tree, Maris said the only tree she was willing to embrace was her family tree. Everyone laughed. Well, I laughed. Then it happened. They called for a group hug.
Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: Last time I saw her, she was racing towards her Mercedes, emitting a high-pitched shriek that caused the wedding doves to attack one another.

Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles.
Niles: If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program.