Daphne: You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Niles: So did Maris. But the poor thing could never get her weight up enough.

Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book, for God's sake. I'm out of here.
Niles: Frasier, I know it's asking a big favor. I mean, I know you're busy. But I just want you to know that all of my life I've dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog and see my name
under "mental illness".

Martin: Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Niles: Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.
Martin: [on the phone] Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...
Niles: Any restaurants?
Martin: Any restaurants? [to Niles] Not a one.
Niles: She's alive!

Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Niles: Frasier, I just have to say "Bravo!" You're slim, well-adjusted, you've really turned things around, haven't you?
Frasier: Well, it's easy once you hit rock bottom... and bounce. Thank you, Niles. I couldn't have done it without you.
Niles: I did nothing you wouldn't have done for me. And, you'll be happy to know my own life is on quite the upswing as well. I just got back from a meeting with Maris and her lawyers.
Frasier: Oh. And?
Niles: I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly.

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Frasier: Oh, you're just in time. I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin: Here?
Niles: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Phil Patterson: Thanks again, Frasier.
Niles: Oh, our pleasure, Phil. The Crane family has a long history of political involvement. You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Lilith: Niles, I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule. So, I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey.
Niles: Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?
Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?

Niles: [on the phone] Hello? Ah, Winchett, so looking forward to seeing you at the party. Oh, how dreadful. Oh, you poor thing. No, no, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling... [hanging up] You lying, two-faced cow.
Frasier: So she's not really sick?
Niles: Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly there are accidents, deaths in the family... A wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution.