Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Everybody Hates Houseguests’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Houseguests

307. Everybody Hates Houseguests

Aired November 12, 2007

Chris's friendship with Greg is put to the test when he stays over with Chris and the family. Meanwhile, Julius has an eventful cross-country trip when he starts driving a taxi.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, nobody wakes me up. Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow. If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For," and you had to pee, you would smack the crack out of my behind.
Rochelle: Okay, watch yourself, boy.

Rate

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Julius, do you want me to make you an extra plate for work?
Julius: Oh, that'd be great, baby. Thank you.
Greg: Work? It's nighttime.
Tonya: He works at night.
Drew: And days.
Chris: My dad has two jobs.
Julius: Make that three. I just picked up a side job driving a cab.
Rochelle: A cab? When do you have time to drive a cab?
Julius: I'm just trying it for the weekend. I'll see how it goes.
Greg: Wow. When do you sleep? [all laugh]
Julius: Hey, that's a good one. Sleep.

Quote from Manny

Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cutting your hair, man, sparks start flying everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will not be sued by White people!

Quote from Julius

Julius: [on pay phone] Operator. I'd like to make a collect call.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father had a system to beat the high price of calling collect.
Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Operator: You have a collect call from...
Julius: [rapidly] Daddy fine. Nebraska cornfields. Chris garbage. Hang up.
Operator: Would you like to accept? [Drew hangs up]
Rochelle: Collect call from your father?
Drew: Yeah. He's doing fine. He's in Nebraska, and the cornfields are pretty, and Chris should remember to take out the garbage.
Rochelle: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Eventually, the phone company started hanging up on my father.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.
Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin? Greg. Greg?!
Greg: [wakes up] 1942.
Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.
Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for the week.
Ms. Morello: Oh, my God, he's drunk?! Did he have a 40 for breakfast?
Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.
Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris's people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was Don Imus in a dress.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: So how was it having Greg over?
Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?
Rochelle: Are you nuts? I never worked so hard in my entire life.
Drew: And I want my bed back.
Tonya: And she is not making me eat no more tofu. [overlapping complaints]
Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?
Drew: And you sit up here washing dishes for the White man!
Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!
Rochelle: I'm tired of being a vegetarian short-order cook!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [on the phone] Boy, are you crazy?! And why are you just springing this up on me?!
Chris: So he can't come stay with us?
Rochelle: [sighs] Well, baby, it's just that I'm at work, and I don't have time to get ready for company. Okay, all right, Greg can stay, but just tell him don't expect anything special.
[later:]
Chris: Chris: I'm warning you, man, don't expect anything special.
Greg: Don't worry, dude, I'm just happy to be here.
Rochelle: Hello, Greg! Hors d'oeuvre?
Greg: If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.
Rochelle: Come, eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Help! My mother is possessed by a nice lady.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The snoring actually wasn't that bad compared to what followed.
Greg: [singing in his sleep] She's a maniac, maniac on the floor And she's dancing like she's never danced before
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was hoping a maniac would break in and smother Greg with a pillow.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street. Who this?
Chris: Oh, it's my friend Greg. He's staying at my house for a few days.
Jerome: Hey, little White dude staying across the street, let me hold a dollar. [Greg hands him a dollar] Nice shirt.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Risky got the shirt from Jerome.
Greg: Hey, I just got a nickname.
Chris: Hey, you just got robbed.
Greg: Cool!

Quote from Greg

Greg: [singing in the shower] Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me
Chris: [bangs on door] Greg, hurry up! I need to get in!
Greg: [o.s.] That's what friends are for...
Tonya: Chris, would you shut up?! Dang!
Greg: [o.s.] Keep shining, knowing you can...
Rochelle: Boy, what is your problem?
Chris: I need to go to the bathroom.
Rochelle: Well, you bang on that door again and I'm gonna knock out whatever you're holding in!

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By the time Greg left my house, he really felt at home.
Jerome: Little White dude about to go home. Let me hold a dollar.
Greg: Sure. [hands Jerome a dollar] See ya.
Risky: Hey, if you need pants to go with that shirt, I can tighten you up.
Greg: Sorry, but I just got robbed.
Risky: Oh. Well, maybe next time.
Greg: Yeah. See ya.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was staying over or taking over.
Chris: You're wearing Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15.
Greg: I like to pray as different characters. That way, God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight, I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Amen.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He should pray for some self-esteem.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought having Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

Quote from Chris

Greg: What time is it?
Chris: 5:00 a.m.
Greg: [removes mask] 5:00 a.m.? We don't have to be to school for another three hours.
Chris: Yeah, but if we don't hurry, we'll miss the first bus.
Greg: First? How many are there?
Chris: Three, plus a little bit of a walk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg was going to have to walk a mile in my shoes.
Greg: How long of a walk?
Chris: About a mile.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After a week of doing things for Greg, the hardest thing was something I had to do for myself.
Chris: You asleep?
Greg: I'm not talking to you. But if I were talking to you, I'd tell you how angry I am because of what you did.
Chris: Look, I'm sorry. But you know how tired you were last night? That's how tired I am every night. But I don't get to cry about it, I just got to deal with it.
Greg: You don't have it so hard.
Chris: How do you figure that?
Greg: So you live in Bed-Stuy, it takes you three hours to get to school, and you have an after-school job. So what? I wish I had someone to fight over the TV or bathroom with. The last thing my mother cooked on the stove got her a year of probation. I don't do everything on my own because I want to. I do it 'cause I have to.
Chris: Dang, I guess I never thought of it like that.
Greg: Sorry, man, I didn't mean to be such a pain.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.
Chris: No, we don't.
Rochelle: Yes, we do. Now, shut up and bless the food.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mother was going to send me to thank him in person.
Chris: Dear Lord, bless this food that we are thankful to receive.
Rochelle: Amen.
All: Amen.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: What kind of food is this?
Greg: Vegetarian. My stomach has a lot of trouble breaking down enzymes.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't know you could buy vegetarian fatback.
Julius: It's not bad. Hey, pass the big piece of vegetable.
Tonya: Do we have to eat this?
Rochelle: If you want to eat here.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: [answers phone] Hello.
Julius: Rochelle, it's me. Listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have to take a passenger to Vegas.
Rochelle: Vegas? Julius, are you crazy? What about your regular job?
Julius: I have a few sick days I can use. I'll be back by the end of the week.
[Eddie ducks behind Julius's cab as a cop car drives by]
Rochelle: Julius, you are not driving that cab to Vegas.
Julius: The guy's gonna pay me a thousand dollars.
Rochelle: Get me Wayne Newton's autograph. Bye.

Quote from Risky

Risky: Listen here, I got the perfect shirt for your haircut, huh? Five dollars.
Greg: This has a hole in it.
Risky: Well, that's not a hole. It's distressed. Guys in Manhattan pay top dollar for this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In fact, a distressed man got shot in that shirt.

Quote from Monk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After school, Greg was doing his homework while I was doing my work work.
Monk: Okay, now, Doc left some instructions for you, Chris. Now, get all the merchandise out of all these boxes and stock the shelves with them, okay? Now, all the empty boxes need to be broken down and cut up into small pieces and thrown into the Dumpster behind the Chinese place when Mr. Hoo isn't looking. Now, when that's done, you can start your work. Hey, uh, Greg, you need anything? Soda? Ice cream bar?
Greg: No, thanks.
Monk: How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because I'm too busy cutting up boxes.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode