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‘Everybody Hates Houseguests’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Houseguests

307. Everybody Hates Houseguests

Aired November 12, 2007

Chris's friendship with Greg is put to the test when he stays over with Chris and the family. Meanwhile, Julius has an eventful cross-country trip when he starts driving a taxi.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, nobody wakes me up. Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow. If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For," and you had to pee, you would smack the crack out of my behind.
Rochelle: Okay, watch yourself, boy.


Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.
Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin? Greg. Greg?!
Greg: [wakes up] 1942.
Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.
Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for the week.
Ms. Morello: Oh, my God, he's drunk?! Did he have a 40 for breakfast?
Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.
Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris's people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She was Don Imus in a dress.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Julius, do you want me to make you an extra plate for work?
Julius: Oh, that'd be great, baby. Thank you.
Greg: Work? It's nighttime.
Tonya: He works at night.
Drew: And days.
Chris: My dad has two jobs.
Julius: Make that three. I just picked up a side job driving a cab.
Rochelle: A cab? When do you have time to drive a cab?
Julius: I'm just trying it for the weekend. I'll see how it goes.
Greg: Wow. When do you sleep? [all laugh]
Julius: Hey, that's a good one. Sleep.

Quote from Manny

Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cutting your hair, man, sparks start flying everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will not be sued by White people!

Quote from Julius

Julius: [on pay phone] Operator. I'd like to make a collect call.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father had a system to beat the high price of calling collect.
Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Operator: You have a collect call from...
Julius: [rapidly] Daddy fine. Nebraska cornfields. Chris garbage. Hang up.
Operator: Would you like to accept? [Drew hangs up]
Rochelle: Collect call from your father?
Drew: Yeah. He's doing fine. He's in Nebraska, and the cornfields are pretty, and Chris should remember to take out the garbage.
Rochelle: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Eventually, the phone company started hanging up on my father.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: So how was it having Greg over?
Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?
Rochelle: Are you nuts? I never worked so hard in my entire life.
Drew: And I want my bed back.
Tonya: And she is not making me eat no more tofu. [overlapping complaints]
Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?
Drew: And you sit up here washing dishes for the White man!
Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!
Rochelle: I'm tired of being a vegetarian short-order cook!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [on the phone] Boy, are you crazy?! And why are you just springing this up on me?!
Chris: So he can't come stay with us?
Rochelle: [sighs] Well, baby, it's just that I'm at work, and I don't have time to get ready for company. Okay, all right, Greg can stay, but just tell him don't expect anything special.
Chris: Chris: I'm warning you, man, don't expect anything special.
Greg: Don't worry, dude, I'm just happy to be here.
Rochelle: Hello, Greg! Hors d'oeuvre?
Greg: If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.
Rochelle: Come, eat.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Help! My mother is possessed by a nice lady.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The snoring actually wasn't that bad compared to what followed.
Greg: [singing in his sleep] She's a maniac, maniac on the floor And she's dancing like she's never danced before
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was hoping a maniac would break in and smother Greg with a pillow.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street. Who this?
Chris: Oh, it's my friend Greg. He's staying at my house for a few days.
Jerome: Hey, little White dude staying across the street, let me hold a dollar. [Greg hands him a dollar] Nice shirt.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Risky got the shirt from Jerome.
Greg: Hey, I just got a nickname.
Chris: Hey, you just got robbed.
Greg: Cool!

Quote from Greg

Greg: [singing in the shower] Keep smiling, keep shining Knowing you can always count on me
Chris: [bangs on door] Greg, hurry up! I need to get in!
Greg: [o.s.] That's what friends are for...
Tonya: Chris, would you shut up?! Dang!
Greg: [o.s.] Keep shining, knowing you can...
Rochelle: Boy, what is your problem?
Chris: I need to go to the bathroom.
Rochelle: Well, you bang on that door again and I'm gonna knock out whatever you're holding in!

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