Adult Chris: [v.o.] We were trying to get an autograph, but were getting more than we signed up for.
Drew: Chris, I'm sorry, man. I-I don't know what I was thinking. Like Wayne Gretzky would be hanging out in some hotel lobby. Let's go home, man.
Chris: [scoffs] Wait, wait, wait. We can't just give up, especially when Mom is beating the living daylights out of me. I don't want to feel like a fool 'cause it was all for nothing. We just got to use our heads. What do you know about Gretzky?
Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time-assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
Chris: What's in it?
Drew: Hmm, Canadian bacon, maple syrup, oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Chris: Sounds awful.
Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Chris: [clicks tongue] Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
Drew: Hey, you know, he works in a hotel here on Long Island.
Chris: Who, Gretzky?
Drew: No, stupid. Jean Lafleur.

Julius: What are you doing here? Why aren't you in school?
Tonya: 'Cause no one's there. They're all in Philadelphia.
Rochelle: You remember the field trip to Philadelphia that cost a hundred dollars and you didn't want to pay for it.
Tonya: Yeah. Instead you gave me Philadelphia cream cheese.
Julius: Right. Well, what are you gonna do all day? I mean, I gotta get some sleep.
Rochelle: Not today. I've got to go to work, so you've got to entertain her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My dad had saved a hundred bucks, but he was gonna pay for that trip one way or another.

Chris: Well, what about you? Aren't they gonna miss you?
Drew: Probably not.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Wrong!
[elsewhere:]
Teacher: Donna.
Girl: Here.
Teacher: Drew? Drew? [everyone looks around in a panic] Oh, my God. Drew is missing! Drew is missing! [sobs]
[As the teacher wails, students cry and scream, running around in panic. One boy furiously pounds his desk. The teacher runs out into the hall and pulls the "Drew Alarm"]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father tried to shut his eyes while Tonya shut her ears. [phone ringing]
Julius: Tonya. Can't you hear that phone?
Tonya: It isn't for me. Everyone I know is in Philadelphia.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya: 1. Sleep: 0.

Chris: Hey, what are they doing over there?
Clerk: Uh, they're waiting for Wayne Gretzky.
Chris: Who?
Clerk: He's a hockey player.
Chris: Anyway, I got a pizza delivery for Mr. Smith in Room 412.
Clerk: Just go.
Drew: Man, that was brilliant.
Chris: You can get anywhere with a pizza box.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how Bush got in the White House.
Drew: So, now where do we go? I mean, there's 32 floors in this hotel.
Chris: Well, I figure Gretzky's in one of the nicer rooms, which is probably on the top floor.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just call me Sherlock Homeboy.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I was the oldest kid in the house, whenever something went wrong with Drew and Tonya, I got blamed.
Rochelle: What in the world is going on in here!
Chris: Drew and Tonya just ran through and knocked all this stuff down.
Rochelle: Well, you know better than to let your brother and sister run through the house. Now, pick it up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whether it was something I couldn't do anything about...
Rochelle: How could you let your sister get the flu?
Chris: How am I supposed to stop the flu?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...or whether it was something I didn't know anything about...
Rochelle: Why did you let Drew get hit in the eye with a baseball?
Chris: 'Cause I wasn't at the game.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Either way, I was responsible.
Rochelle: Well, no excuse. You're his older brother so you're responsible for him.
Julius: You're also responsible for giving me another $3.22 worth of ground beef.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Don't think he's not using it again.

Chris: Drew. Drew! [Drew raises his head] What are you doing here? You walk to school.
Drew: I'm not going to school today.
Chris: What do you mean?
Drew: Well, I saw Wayne Gretzky on Donahue yesterday. He's in town because the Edmonton Oilers played the Islanders last night.
Chris: So what?
Drew: So I'm gonna meet him and get his autograph.
Chris: Are you crazy?
Drew: No.
Chris: You can't just go off by yourself.
Drew: Yes, I can.

Chris: I don't think you understand how much trouble we're gonna be in. I'm not even talking about Ma anymore. You know what's gonna happen when they realize we're not in school?
Drew: What's the big deal? You always say that they never pay attention to you in school anyway.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew had a point. Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school.
[elsewhere:]
Joey Caruso: Morning, Shoeshine. [punches Greg in the gut]
Greg: [winded] I'm not Black. Why'd you do that?
Joey Caruso: I don't know where Chris is.

Tonya: What's wrong?
Julius: That was Drew's school. He didn't show up today.
Tonya: Maybe he went to Philadelphia.

Rochelle: I got here as soon as I could. Any word from Drew?
Julius: No, but I just got off the phone with Chris' school.
Rochelle: And what they say?
Julius: He didn't show up for school, either.
Tonya: Ooh, they're gonna get it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When do I not get it?