Best ‘Cheers’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Quote from Norm in Tan 'n' Wash
Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Paul: Hey, Norm, how's the world been treatin' ya?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Quote from Diane in No Help Wanted
Diane: Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotional overtones. But without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond. And let's face it, in your case, we're not exactly dealing with white water rapids in the first place.
Quote from Diane in Sam's Women
Diane: Sam, do yourself a favor. Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts. I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Sam: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
Diane: I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you. A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Sam: You know, well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Phew.
Quote from Woody in Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist
Woody: I can't believe it. I'm being shunned. Just like back in Hanover. Just like with the Amish.
Norm: Wood? Who, uh, who shunned you back in Hanover?
Woody: The Amish. Weren't you here for this part?
Quote from Cliff in What Is... Cliff Clavin?
Alex Trebek: Cliff, it's all right, you don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet "22,000 big ones"? Which takes you down to zero. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people had never been in my kitchen. You can ask them. Come on, Tony Curtis is still alive. Get him on the phone, go ahead, I'll pay for the call.
Alex Trebek: Isn't going to work, Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 is not a big total, but today it's enough to make you the new Jeopardy! champion. So congratulations.
Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions! You saw me, America! Write in and tell them!
Norm: Come on, Wood, if we sneak out right now, nobody will know we're with him.
Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there, if you can hear me, call in, and I'll split the pot with you. Ah, for crying out loud, look... Any mail carriers out there?
Quote from Cliff in Teaching with the Enemy
Frasier: I want you all to know... I'm not blaming her. It's because of me that my life is in the arms of another man.
Woody: Uh, well, you mean "wife," don't you, Dr. Crane?
Woody: You said "life." "It's because of me my life is in the arms of another man."
Cliff: Oh, that's a- That's a Freudian slip there, Woody.
Woody: What's a Freudian slip?
Cliff: Oh, that's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.
Quote from Cliff in Heeeeere's... Cliffy!
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]
Quote from Woody in Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real
Sam: Come on. It's a golden opportunity. We can win this time. We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use 'em against this new guy. And you remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that. We can move first ourselves.
Frasier: Very good, Sam. As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it."
Woody: You got that right, Doctor Crane. Back in high school I was condemned to repeat History three times. By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.
Quote from Frasier in Veggie-Boyd
Sam: These are, uh, trivia napkins. Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me."
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I- I know you wanted to use a great big word there. I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage."
Sam: Really? What's the difference?
Frasier: Patronage means customers. Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Sam: Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?
Frasier: Aren't you cute!
Quote from Cliff in What Is... Cliff Clavin?
Alex Trebek: Agnes, what did you put down? "Who are Tony Curtis, Cary Grant, and Lucille Ball?" You're so very close, but you're incorrect, unfortunately, and that means it's going to cost you... $2,900. That takes you down to $400. And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you, both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses. And what that means is that even if you're wrong, as long as you didn't do anything foolish like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well, then we don't have to see my answer there, do we, Alex? [covers screen with his jacket] Listen, see you at the tournament of champions.
Alex Trebek: Cliff, we're running out of time. And we are going to have to take a look at your response. You wrote down, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry. That, too, is wrong. The correct response is, what were the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?
Cliff: Be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex Trebek: Well, I'm sure they haven't, but obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?