Norm: I tell you, it's time I faced up to it. My marriage is my most prized possession and next to my Honda Civic, my only possession. I happen to love my wife and I don't care who knows.

Sam: Well, I can only speak for myself, but I think that's wonderful. Yeah, you know what, you may not believe me, but I envy you.
Norm: You envy me?
Sam: Yeah, I do. I used to think that the more women I conquered, the more I'd be a man. And now I guess I'm just looking for the right one.
Norm: Now you've found Diane.
Sam: That's right. And when they made her they broke the mold. And tried to pretend like it was an accident. [laughs]
Norm: Now, see, you're doing it, too! And you know why? Because you're a guy. See, deep down, we're terrified of being wusses. Yeah, someone's got to pay for that. Might as well be women.

Diane: Coach, you got the next round ready for the ladies in the back room?
Coach: Almost, honey. Almost.
Diane: Aren't they a cute group? The Golden 80s Club.
Carla: Yeah, a bunch of old widows and spinsters get together and play connect the liver spots.
Coach: I agree with Diane, Carla. They're absolutely adorable.
Carla: Oh, Coach, you like anybody who calls you sonny.

Coach: Yeah. All set, Diane.
Diane: Wow, this is quite a load. Well, I'll just take two trips.
Carla: Ah, yes. Now there is a non-professional for you. Last round, I got them all in one trip.
Diane: Okay.
Coach: One more beer.
Carla: Like me to carry it for you?
Diane: No. No problem. I'll simply do as the noble women of primitive tribal cultures do... I'll balance it on my noodle.
Coach: Those sweet little old ladies are gonna love this!
[As Diane carefully balances the beer on her head and walks to the back:]
Carla: Wow, look! It's Lawrence Welk!
Diane: [o.s.] No! Stop! [glass shatters]

Cliff: So, Norm, you told her you have a lot of big clients, huh?
Norm: Yeah, 75. I figured 200 would be stretching it for someone working out of the trunk of his car.

Cliff: What's going on, Norm? You seem kind of friendly.
Norm: Ah, she just brought me in here to celebrate the outstanding work I did.
Alan: Oh, I don't know, Norm. I kind of sense something between the two of you.
Tim: I could feel the temperature rise when you two walked in.
Alan: Hey, Norm, you're her new accountant. Have you gone over her figure?
Tim: Does she have sizable assets?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she showing you a couple of capital gains that would make you liquidate your holdings?

Carla: Look at the way she's looking at you. She is hot for your bod.
Norm: There you go.
Emily: There you are. I've been getting lonely.
Norm: Would you excuse me just one moment, please? [to the guys] You're right. The woman's a she devil. What am I going to do about it?
Cliff: Well, the course is clear, Norm. You're gonna stand up tall, act like the man you are and submit to her every demand.
Norm: Thank you, Cliff. Now can I have an opinion from someone who's had a date this century?

Cliff: Norm, look, if you're scared, I'll take charge of this. I mean, with me it won't be sinful.
Carla: Just unsightly.

Diane: Norman, will you do me a favor?
Norm: Yeah, what? What do you want?
Diane: Call Vera.
Norm: Why?
Diane: Just call her and listen to her voice before you rend asunder the inviolate garment of your marriage.
Norm: Diane, please.
Diane: The phone. Are you afraid, Norman?
Norm: You think I'm afraid to talk to my own wife?

Carla: [on the phone] What? Emily who? Yeah. Norm's dame. Of course he isn't here. I thought he was pitching woo with you. You're kidding. Oh, man. It figures. I'll tell him to call you. [hangs up]
Sam: What?
Carla: We should have known. Norm chickened out.
Alan: Come on!
Diane: What happened?
Carla: He dropped her off at her apartment and went to park the car. That was two hours ago and she hasn't seen him since. If he has any pride, he's killed himself.
Diane: Carla, he just came to his senses.
Diane: He came to his knees.
Carla: He did the decent, honorable and moral thing.
Tim: Yeah, we're gonna make him pay for it the rest of his life.