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‘Norman's Conquest’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Norman's Conquest

220. Norman's Conquest

Aired February 23, 1984

Norm is tempted when an attractive new client seems to show an interest in him.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Emily, I'll be with you in a minute. Quick business call here. [on the phone] Hello, Vera, this is Norm. I'm at Cheers. It's 8:05. Uh, you need me, you've got the number here. Bye. [hangs up]
Coach: Norm, when did get the answering machine?
Norm: I didn't, Coach. That was Vera.

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Quote from Carla

Cliff: What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a lot bragging about it either.

Quote from Diane

Norm: What do you think, Sam?
Sam: Norm, I think it's stupid to jump into bed with somebody you're working with. [Diane nudges Sam] I didn't mean stupid in the unintelligent sense.
Diane: Don't mind Sam, he's a little depressed. This is the year his age caught up with his IQ.
Sam: That's years away.

Quote from Sam

Diane: I think by now your curiosity is satisfied, your inexplicable lusts sated. If our relationship remains as strong and vital as it is now you'll have no need for sexual experience with another woman.
Sam: Oh, my God.
Diane: What do you mean, "Oh, my God?"
Sam: I- I just never thought about that before. My last woman.
Diane: You do agree, don't you?
Sam: Uh, I don't know.
Diane: Why not?
Sam: Hey, come on. Something could happen to you. You know, you could die or go insane or... What happens if you don't age well? What would happen if I went down in an airplane over South America some place and was taken captive by a tribe of huge women who made me their sex slave. Forced by High Priestess Bettina and her handmaidens to satisfy them day after day after day. Come on. Be realistic, Diane.

Quote from Diane

Sam: And you're wrong.
Diane: In your hat.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, I've kind of lost track here, Carla. What round is this?
Carla: I can't count that high. Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?
Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless, mindless, slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees. But I'm sure he'll see reason eventually. Let me know when his head lights up.
Sam: As usual, you have to take a connecting flight to get to the point. We were talking about the way you don't trust me, motormouth.
Diane: No, broken brow, we settled that. You were proven wrong and we moved on.
Sam: As I recall...
Diane: Sam, give me credit for having enough intelligence to humiliate you in the right subject area.
Carla: My favorite couple. Steve and Eydie Amin.

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Oh, I'm so disappointed in Norman.
Cliff: Diane, the problem you're having is a simple lack of understanding of the male of the species. See, man was not made to be monogamous. It's an artificial, unnatural phenomenon imposed from without. The human male can never have enough women.
Carla: Or in your case, any.

Quote from Norm

Carla: What kind of boutique is it?
Emily: Oh, just a simple dress shop, struggling to survive. But thanks to Norm, I'll get a healthy tax return.
Norm: Yeah, well, I just did a few simple things. For example, she wasn't even writing off her cockroaches as livestock.

Quote from Coach

Carla: Norm, I think you'd better give the lady what she wants. If you don't come across, she's going to drop you like a bad habit.
Diane: Norman, has it come to this? Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person who buys you a drink in a bar? If you were a woman, I think we'd have a name for you.
Coach: I kind of like Becky. I realize Norma is closer. You just have to add U-H, but...

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: Well, with a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I'm so proud of us. We women have taken our place in society as never before. Working, doing, rising on merit through the ranks. We are taking our place alongside of and in many cases above men. Once exploited, now we are equal.
Man: Hey, hey, shake it up! I'm dry over here!
Diane: Excuse me.

Quote from Norm

Emily: Pardon me, Norm. I just gotta call the shop. Hey, I really like this Cheers place. Do you come here often?
Norm: Well, what do you consider often?
Emily: Oh, two or three times a week.
Norm: Then I don't come here often.

Quote from Coach

Norm: Come on. Don't be ridiculous.
Cliff: I don't know. Let's just submit this to our resident expert on womenology.
Coach: Well, I don't usually think of myself that way, but I'd be happy to share any thoughts I have with you, Cliffo.

Quote from Coach

Carla: So, what do you think, Sam?
Sam: I think she's scouting your territory.
Diane: Norman, ignore these blatherskites. They're just having fun at your expense.
Coach: She's absolutely right, Normie. The emptiness of their lives causes them to cast aspersions on your own.
Diane: You can say that again.
Coach: No, I can't, Diane.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: I know these guys are joking.
Diane: They know as well as you do that if anything did happen it would injure irreparably the special one you love.
Cliff: Oh, come on, Diane. I'd get over it in a couple of weeks.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Norm, you told her you were married, right?
Norm: Course. She knows about Vera. I mentioned her at least a couple of times. My wedding ring's right out there for everyone to see... at that pawn shop on Boylson Street.

Quote from Carla

Diane: You people are recommending Norman commit adultery.
Carla: It happens all the time, stick. That's the way life is. I'm telling you, the only difference between Dynasty and the real world is they got better hair cuts.

Quote from Coach

Coach: My, God, I just thought of something.
Sam: What's that?
Coach: What if Vera calls and she wants to know where Normie is?
Carla: Tell her he stepped out.
Coach: That's kind of flimsy, Carla.
Carla: OK. He went to a movie with you, Coach.
Coach: Oh, yeah, that's nice. Gee, Norm and I haven't been out together in a long time. [phone rings] [answers] Okay, okay, I can't go through it, Mrs. Peterson, Norm's out with a dame.
Carla: Give me that!
Cliff: Coach. Coach, if you were at the Alamo, we'd all be wearing sombreros.

Quote from Sam

Norm: I didn't even have the guts to go in, Sam. I've been sitting out in the car for the last two hours.
Sam: What about your hickey?
Norm: I've got one of those little vacuum cleaners in the glove compartment. I'm such a coward!
Sam: Oh, come on, Norm. Meaningless affairs aren't all they're cracked up to be. I've had lots of them. Do you think they made me happy?
Norm: Ecstatic.
Sam: Yeah, but that's me, Norm.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Sammy, can I make a confession to you right now?
Sam: Oh, please don't.
Norm: I love my wife.
Sam: Well, that's not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Norm: Well, just wait a second, it gets worse.
Sam: Oh, God.
Norm: Vera is the only woman I've ever had.
Sam: Now, Norm, when you say "had", you mean...
Norm: Yes.
Sam: [chuckles] Come on, man. Be serious.
Norm: I am.
Sam: Well, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?
Norm: I mean, I don't even want other women, Sam. All right, don't get me wrong. I get urges, okay? And if I acted on those urges, I'd be no better than a rutting pig. A happy, singing, dancing, rutting pig.

Quote from Norm

Sam: I don't know what this all was about? I mean, you make it sound like you're confessing a crime, here.
Norm: Come on, Sam, people don't go around bragging about loving their wives. I mean, when was the last time you saw a bunch of guys around a bar slamming beers and exchanging great tales of marital bliss?
Sam: So those jokes about Vera are a bunch of baloney. You really love her, huh?
Norm: Course I do. Most of them aren't even true, you know. Like that one about the tentacles.

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