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Cheers: Coach Buries a Grudge

219. Coach Buries a Grudge

Aired February 16, 1984

As Coach gets ready to host a memorial service at Cheers for a recently-deceased friend of his, he learns the shocking truth about his old pal.

Quote from Norm

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh. Hello. I've heard a lot about you. Well, hold on a sec and I'll check. [to Norm] Are you in for Vera?
Norm: Sure. She's out of town. What can it hurt? [takes the phone] Tracked me down, huh? Hey, I miss you. It hasn't been the same without you around the house the last few days. How's your mum? You're- You're at our house? Since when? You never left? I gotta admit, I thought I heard someone in the john this morning.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey, Artie. It's good to see you after all these years. You look great.
Artie: Well, I feel fine, although it could be happier circumstances. Say, when did you hear the shocking news about T-Bone?
Coach: Well, I was in the john and I overheard Sam and Diane. You mean you knew about it?
Artie: Of course, it's in all the papers.
Coach: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Artie: The afternoon edition even had pictures.
Coach: Pictures?! I'm a laughing stock.
Sam: No, Coach, you misunderstood.
Artie: Coach, I think it's great you're having a ceremony for T-Bone.
Coach: Well, there ain't going to be a ceremony for T-Bone, Artie. That filthy pig.
Artie: Why, Coach?
Coach: You read it in the papers!

Quote from Coach

Coach: Okay, everybody, come on. Now thanks for coming, but let's get this over with. Come on. The memorial service is about to begin.
Carla: Okay, last call before the memorial!
Sam: [to Coach] Come on, don't do this. It won't make you feel any better.
Coach: I'm feeling better just thinking about it. Now, OK, everybody's sat? Hi. All right, I had a beautiful speech written here, but I'd just rather say a few things from my own heart about T-Bone Scappagione.
Sam: Coach, don't-
Coach: Just let me get it over with, Sam. T-Bone Scappagione was a son of a... That man was a son of a... T-Bone Scappagione was the son of an immigrant. And like most immigrants, he was a human being. Human beings make mistakes. We're just not perfect. But I'll tell you what isn't a mistake. To love someone and to forgive them, no matter what his shortcomings. That's not a mistake. I loved that man... and I forgive him. And I know that, for the rest of my life, every day, there's going to be a moment when I'm going to miss him. That's all I've got to say.

Quote from Sam

Diane: What don't you like about this T-Bone?
Sam: Oh, lots of things. He's the kind of guy who can't pass a mirror without checking himself out. Pretty-boy type. Thinks he's God's gift to women. [Diane holds up a mirror] You know the kind. All right, all right, all right. There's a difference between thinking it and knowing it. [Sam checks himself in the mirror again]

Quote from Diane

Diane: Surprise, surprise.
Sam: Whoa, looky there. What's the occasion?
Diane: Well, it's just a little peace offering. I'm trying to make up for last night.
Sam: Well, you should feel bad about that. No guy likes to be laughed at at that particular moment.
Diane: I just couldn't help it. You had that look on your face and for just a second there, you looked like a flounder. Maybe it was the light.
Sam: Apology accepted. But this better be a pretty damn good gift, I'll tell you that.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Once, when Coach was out of town, this was a long time ago, T-Bone made a play for his wife Angela.
Diane: No. The rakehell.
Sam: Of course, he didn't get anywhere with her. I guess she told me because she had to tell someone after keeping it a secret for so long. She was afraid to tell Coach because it would have made him crazy. It would have too.
Diane: The scum.
Sam: I know.
Diane: Making a play for his best friend's wife. Well, that's something even you wouldn't do that.
Sam: Well, thank you for that, Diane. I can't take all the credit for that because most of my friends' wives are real uggos.

Quote from Carla

Man: Hey, Sam, the TV's on the blink again.
Cliff: Where's Carla?
Sam: Carla, get out here, will ya? TV's on the fritz again.
Carla: [points at the TV] Work or die.
Sam: Hey, Carla. [applause]
Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: You've been sitting here like a lump. You lost your zest for life here, Norm. We've had two overtimes already and you're playing motorboat in your beer.
Norm: I'm OK. It's just not the same since Vera's been out of town. I kind of miss having her around.
Sam: Where is she?
Norm: She went to visit her parents. Yeah, she's out there for a week in... Where the heck do they live? Somewhere- One of those rectangular states.
Sam: Why didn't you go with her?
Norm: Oh, her parents aren't too wild about me since I've been out of work.
Sam: Oh, come on.
Norm: No, they think I'm not trying, Sam. They got this crackpot idea that if I go out looking every day, and send resumes everywhere, make phone calls all the time, somehow, by magic, a job's just going to appear.
Cliff: Voodoo?
Norm: Really.

Quote from Diane

Cliff: Phoenix?
Carla: Yeah, he's back there for T-Bone Scappagioni's funeral. He was Coach's best friend in the whole world, you know? They were teammates in the minors then they both coached for the Sox.
Norm: Yeah, I remember that guy. How come you didn't go, Sam?
Sam: Ah, you know, it's funny. Coach really loved him, but I never cared for the guy.
Carla: Yeah, well let's face it... [looks at Diane] taste in people isn't your strong point.
Diane: Ah, yes. How would we manage without Carla's wit? Carla, how do you manage without it?

Quote from Coach

Diane: How was the funeral, Coach?
Coach: Well, actually, Diane, it was kind of gloomy.
Diane: Well, you know, Coach, after all, it's hardly an occasion for rejoicing.
Coach: Oh, no, everything was perfectly nice. It was really a nice ceremony, but they didn't say much about the real T-Bone, you know. Well, he's been living down in Phoenix for, what, a couple of years now? And those people didn't really know him.
Carla: They should have had the funeral in Boston. This is where his old pals are.
Coach: You're absolutely right, Carla. You know, they didn't even know why they called him T-Bone down there.
Diane: Why did they call him T-Bone, Coach?
Coach: I don't know. I was hoping to find out.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane, what you've written here is beautiful, but you know what it could use? A little bit more about T-Bone himself.
Diane: OK. Tell me about him.
Coach: Well, in his playing days, he was a good hitter.
Diane: Uh-huh. His prowess at the plate was legendary.
Coach: He was a fair hitter, Diane. Fair. For the minors.
Diane: He was a capable batsman.
Coach: Well, all those hits he got were a lot of scratch and field hits.
Diane: His best moments were off the field.
Coach: Now, that's the idea. For instance, he always made the guys laugh.
Diane: He was loved for his irrepressible sense of humor.
Coach: He was always making fun of people.
Diane: We admired his sardonic wit.
Coach: I've seen him ride guys till they were reduced to tears.
Diane: He was a hateful and terrible person. Why don't you just stick with what I had?
Coach: Oh, you're right, honey. I'd better go practice.

Quote from Diane

Coach: I just wish Angela had told me about it. A man and a woman shouldn't keep secrets from each other. No matter what it's about, Sam.
Diane: I don't think I agree with you, Coach.
Sam: You don't?
Diane: No, I don't think so. Let's take an outlandish example, like us, for instance. In the totally fantastical, remote, unlikely event that you would ever succumb to a foolish, momentary temptation, I would prefer, hypothetically at least, to remain oblivious.
Sam: You got it.
Diane: What do you mean by that?
Sam: I was just going along with what you said.
Diane: You went along pretty fast.
Sam: Well, when you're right, you're right.
Diane: You said it as though you already had something in mind.
Sam: I don't.
Diane: You'd better not.
Sam: I don't. I swear.
Diane: Tell the truth.
Sam: That is the truth.
Diane: Good. Then I wouldn't want to know.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Well, I'll be darned. It's a sweater?
Diane: An Icelandic snowflake rag wool sweater. I saw it in a catalog. I just had to get it for you.
Sam: Well, thank you. I love it. It's great.
Diane: Put it on right now.
Sam: Well, you know, I like to live with a piece of clothing for a little while before I actually wear it, Diane.
Diane: Come on, Sam. I know it's unusual, but it looks totally different when it's on.
Sam: One person laughs...
Diane: He will be exhibiting his own insecurity and lack of taste.
Sam: I just hate, hate looking silly.
Diane: Attention, everybody, Sam is about to model his new sweater for us.
Norm: Look, Cliffie, goose bumps.
Cliff: Boy, there was nothing in my horoscope about that this morning.
Diane: Does it fit all right?
Sam: [o.s.] Yeah, it fits OK. Why don't you come in here and take a look.
Diane: No, no, you come out here and show everyone what a fashion plate you are. [to the patrons] Believe me, not so much as a smirk. [Diane laughs as Sam comes out wearing the sweater] Well, I never saw a flounder in a sweater before.

Quote from Coach

Coach: I'm sorry I'm late, Sam, but old T-Bone wanted to be buried in the family plot and I brought the body back with him.
Norm: How did he die, Coach, some mysterious ailment that turns your flesh to cardboard?
Coach: No, no, no. No, Normie, no. See, the body's at the mortuary. This is just a promotional thing we did when we were down with the Birmingham Barons. Old T-Bone, he saved it all these years, so I snatched it up and brought it back with me to Cheers. Some luck, Sam?
Sam: Words fail me, Coach.
Coach: It could be like having my old buddy back with me here for all time.
Sam: Actually, I think this will be a lot better.
Coach: Sam, that's a wonderful thought.
Sam: I'm going to put this in my office for safekeeping. I'd hate to see it get stolen.

Quote from Carla

Diane: I just had a wonderful idea.
Carla: Oh. Is there any way we could get you not to tell us?
Diane: Not a prayer.

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