Diane: You clever girl, you.
Carla: What?
Diane: I know what you're up to, you sly boots. Got to hand it to you, pretty smart.
Carla: I don't know what you're talking about.
Diane: Yes, you do. Marshall's not the father of that child.
Carla: Maybe he is and maybe he isn't.
Diane: Come on, Carla. You can tell me. I'm proud of you. This shows real initiative.
Carla: Well, since you already guessed, you're right, he's not the father. I lied so he'd support it. [laughs]
Diane: What a great, great plan.
Carla: Yeah, well, I hate to sing my own praises.
Diane: Well, don't sing your own praises. Why don't you hum a few bars of this tune? [Carla screams as Diane pulls her hair]

Diane: Cliff, no, this isn't what you think it is.
Cliff: No, it's OK. I'm an '80s kind of a guy. I've seen all the right movies and everything.
Diane: Yes. Well, no. Cliff, you see, Carla and I were testing a fascinating scientific hypothesis.
Carla: Scientific.
Cliff: Oh, I like science.
Diane: Step right this way. Carla, show him. [Carla nibbles Cliff's ear] Unbelievable, huh?
Cliff: I didn't feel anything.
Carla: Well, sometimes there's a delayed reaction.
Cliff: Okay. Maybe if both of you jumped on...
Carla: Take a walk.
Cliff: Listen, if you need a trois for that menage, I'll be in the bar.

Diane: All right, let me see if I have the decadence straight. When you discovered you were pregnant, you purposely seduced Marshall because you assumed that your husband would not assume responsibility for the child.
Carla: Exactly.
Diane: Depraved.
Carla: Now, look here, Whitey. You know, you can talk, but I got four kids, and I've been raising them alone and it's been damned hard. I can't take it any more. Somebody is going to help me ease my load a little bit this time, and I don't care what I have to do to get it.
Diane: Carla, it's wrong.
Carla: I don't care. And I don't care what you think.

Norm: What did you guys do to Cliff back here?
Carla: What's the matter?
Norm: We just had to pull him off the wooden Indian.

Marshall: You know, Carla, I've been thinking. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my lawyer, and have a new will drawn up and all of your children will be named as my beneficiaries.
Carla: Gee, Marshall, I never expected that. That's about the sweetest thing anybody's ever done... Diane, would you just cut it out with the stupid "ba-booms"?
Sam: Carla, Diane's in the back room.
Carla: [gasps] Come on, we got to talk. [to Diane] You win. I'm going to tell him the truth.

Sam: Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?
Carla: She's going to tell him the truth.
Sam: The truth about what?
Carla: Oh, Sam, it's terrible. She lied. The real father is her ex-husband.
Sam: I don't believe this. I mean, I know the guy. Her ex-husband is an insensitive, macho pig with one thing on his mind.
Diane: Some women are attracted to that.
Sam: Well, name one.
Diane: [opens Sam's little black book] Arlene Abrams. Angela Adams.

Sam: Sit down. Now, look. Diane told me what's going on and I just have to say something. Marshall, you and Carla have a chance for some great happiness here. I don't think you should throw it away.
Carla: Sam, you don't-
Sam: Come on, come on, let me say this. Look at me, Marshall.
Marshall: Look at you?
Sam: Yeah. Now, a lot of people think that I've got a great life. But you have a... You can have something that I don't have. You can have the love and the warmth of a family. You know, if you don't marry Carla, some lucky guy is going to. As a matter of fact, if you don't marry Carla, I'm going to.
Marshall: I'm not going to marry her. [exits]
Carla: I got the veil in my locker.
Sam: You understand that what...
Carla: Get out of here. You're all toe jam.

Sam: You know, I wish I had the money so I could take care of the kid myself.
Coach: Me, too, Sam.
Diane: Wait, I've got a wonderful idea. We are always taking up collections for little league teams and gifts to orphans. We are now going to take up a collection to help Carla. I think Cheers should adopt this child.
Sam: You know, that's not such a stupid idea. I mean, we could all take turns doing things with the kid.
Diane: Right.
Sam: I could teach him how to pitch.
Cliff: I could teach him how to hit your pitches out of the ballpark.
Norm: I'll do the kid's taxes.

Carla: I'm going home.
Sam: Carla, before you do, we want you to take this from us. It's to help out with the kid. We'd kind of like it to be our kid, too.
[Carla hugs Coach and Sam]
Diane: [sings] When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid of the dark [talks] Everybody, come on. [all sing] At the end of a storm is a golden light And the sweet silver song of a lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown Walk on, walk on With hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone