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‘Father Knows Last’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Father Knows Last

115. Father Knows Last

Aired January 20, 1983

After Carla finally admits she is pregnant, everybody is surprised to hear who the father is.

Quote from Norm

Norm: No, don't look at me. Vera and I don't have any kids. I don't know anything about the subject.
Coach: Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
Norm: I can't, Coach.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.
Norm: I look at Vera... I just can't.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: You know, the biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter. She kept insisting on Lisa. And I wanted to stick with the original name.
Sam: What was that, Coach?
Coach: Baby Girl Pantusso.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, look at me. Do I look OK to you?
Sam: Yeah, why?
Coach: Well, I just went down to renew my driver's licence, right? They asked me to donate my kidneys.
Sam: Oh, no, no, don't take that personal, Coach. They ask everybody.
Coach: Those lousy highway robbers. It used to be a lousy two bucks.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, come here. Listen, everybody. This is for Carla's kid. It's going to be our kid.
Coach: Oh, yeah, I can teach it how to slide into second base.
Sam: Oh, you can't, Coach. Remember your back.
Coach: Well, I can teach him how to swim.
Sam: Uh, you're afraid of the water, Coach.
Coach: Well, I can teach him how to tie a Windsor knot.
Sam: Why do you think you wear clip-ons?
Coach: Well, I can just sit there.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I'd had a really rotten day. I got stiffed twice. Sam bawled me out for something. You were here. I got soaked on the way home. By the time I got the kids locked in their rooms, I had really had it. So I sat down at the kitchen table, a bottle of Chianti. I just started thinking about how rotten my whole life was when I saw his face through the fog in the door window.
Diane: Who?
Carla: Nick, my ex-husband. Besides everything else, it was our anniversary.
Diane: I see.
Carla: But I was so down, I figured we could just talk for a while, you know? So we were drinking and remembering the couple of good times we had. It was the first laugh I had all day. He was wearing his black fishnet T-shirt. I could see his panther tattoo through the little holes. No woman could resist. With the rain and everything and the wine, I just got carried away.
Diane: Carla, this is the man you once referred to as "seepage".
Carla: Sure, Nick's disgusting, but he knows this spot on your earlobe. One nibble and you are a heaving mound of flesh.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Carla, do you know the story of The Tell-Tale Heart?
Carla: Take a leap, Whitey.
Diane: I'm going to tell it to you. A young man killed an old man. While carrying out the crime, he could hear his victim's heart beating in fright. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. He was very glad when the man was dead and the awful sound stopped. Then he dismembered his victim and buried him under the floorboards. Soon, he could hear a sound coming up from the floor. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Till he couldn't stand it any more. Surely everyone heard it. Eventually, guilt drove him totally insane. You can never escape your conscience. [quietly] Ba-boom. Ba-boom...
Woman: Okay, okay! Tom, I've been cheating on you. You are a wonderful man and I don't deserve you. [to Diane] I'm sorry.
Man: Wait, darling.
Diane: Ba-boom, Carla. Ba-boom. Is this having any effect on you?
Carla: None at all.
Sam: Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Hey, Christie Leveroni.
Norm: Christie Leveroni, come on down! Come on, Sam, let me dial this one. It's been a long time since I've run my fingers over a girl's digits.
Diane: Norman.
Sam: You know, I haven't seen Christie since Woodstock.
Diane: You were at Woodstock?
Sam: A friend told me to go down there. He said it was a great place to pick up chicks.
Diane: I should have known you weren't there for the music.
Sam: There was music at Woodstock?
Norm: Sammy, it's ringing.
Sam: [takes the phone] Hello. Is Christie there? She entered a convent?
Diane: Oh, boys, it looks like your idol has fallen.
Sam: So what's the number over there? [phone clicks]

Quote from Diane

Diane: What are we all so afraid of? We've known for well over a month that Carla's... Let me be the first to say it aloud. Carla is pregnant.
Coach: That's it, Sam, it's out.
Diane: Sam, she is all alone in the world. She needs some support. She's probably waiting for us to reach out. You people call yourselves friends.
Sam: Well, why don't you talk to her?
Diane: Well, I would, but Carla's never actually called me a friend, unless "doofus" is a term of endearment.

Quote from Carla

Sam: So who's the father? We want to know.
Carla: Well, you're about to see for yourselves. He's coming in. [chuckles] I really got lucky this time, boy. He's a nice, responsible guy, and he is going to support this kid.
Sam: Oh, that's great. You going to get married?
Carla: Well, you know, actually we probably would, Sam, except it goes against my most cherished belief. Men are toe jam.

Quote from Carla

Diane: By the way, I recommend the Lamaze method. I've read about that and it sounds wonderful.
Carla: No, forget it. I got my own method. Knock me out and wake me when it's potty-trained. [laughs]

Quote from Norm

Diane: You know, I just feel terrible about this. I guess she really did want some help with this child.
Coach: Yeah, she's barely getting by just the way it is.
Norm: Carla's probably never felt lonelier than she does at this moment. Got any more of those little yellow goldfish crackers?
Sam: We don't have any crackers that look like goldfish.
Norm: What did I just eat?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, Sam, I just had a conversation with your date tonight. Bambi. She said she can't make it. She's had an accident.
Sam: You're kidding. What happened?
Diane: She fell off her shoes.
Sam: Gee, that's tough. That's tough. That leaves me only two hours to find another date.
Diane: Those are the breaks.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Not to worry. Not to worry.
Cliff: [gasps] The book!
Norm: Cliff, I swear, it just gave off a beam of light.
Diane: A little black book?
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: Didn't those go out with getting a girl drunk and seducing her?
Norm: That's out now?

Quote from Coach

Diane: Sam. Carla's late again.
Sam: Yeah, I know. I wonder why.
Diane: Sam, you know why. Why aren't any of us saying anything about Carla's problem?
Coach: Listen, Diane, I don't think we should be the ones to bring this up.
Sam: You know Carla, she's proud. Maybe she just wants to keep this one under her hat, that's all.
[Carla enters the bar with a very visible baby bump]
Coach: Maybe it's not even what we think it is.
Diane: Coach, what else could it be?
Coach: Gas?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Everyone? I'm pregnant.
Diane: What?
Cliff: No!
Diane: You're pregnant? Oh, Carla. Well, why didn't you say anything?
Carla: Well, you know, I've got a lot on my mind. I can't remember everything.
Diane: Sure. Busy girl.
Norm: Well, congratulations. Unless you don't want another kid.
Coach: Of course she wanted the kid, Norm.
Carla: Sure I do. What penniless, unmarried mother of four wouldn't?
Coach: See what I mean?

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