Barbara: Well, I don't know about sexy, but my favorite day of the week is Sunday. The good Lord's day.
Mr. Johnson: My favorite day is Tuesday.
Jacob: Fascinating. Why?
Mr. Johnson: Because it's trash day.
Jacob: Yeah, mm-hmm. That checks out.

Gregory: So, wait, if this is happening to everybody except Barbara, then what's going on?
Melissa: It's weird.
Miss Williams: I mean, no idea.
Mr. Johnson: I know what's going on, and it's bad. In fact, I've been praying that it wouldn't breach our walls.
Jacob: Ghosts.
Mr. Johnson: It's called desking. It's a new online challenge where kids jump from desktop to desktop. Heard about it last week through the custodial network.
Barbara: Mm.

Mr. Johnson: I can catch one of 'em. Haven't done this kind of fishing in a minute. Let's go.
Gregory: I didn't volunteer.
Mr. Johnson: A stakeout needs two people. Think, boy. Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie?
Gregory: I...

Gregory: You remember what you were talking about?
Mr. Johnson: Nope.
Gregory: [chuckles] About having a lot of jobs. You ever have an experience where you wanted a different job than the one you were at? You liked the one that you were at, but since it's not the one that you thought you wanted, you're a little conflicted?
Mr. Johnson: If you think I'm some sort of Black Yoda... Hmm, then correct you would be, Padawan. You got to be open for what life brings you. If I'd kept aiming for that one job I wanted so much when I was your age, you'd be looking at a very unfulfilled operations manager at Uncle Bradley's Baked Beans. Damn, I wanted that job.
Gregory: Must have had some good benefits.
Mr. Johnson: And a ladder straight to the top.
Gregory: Yeah.
Mr. Johnson: But, hey, without that rejection, I never would have found out the stuff that I love.
Gregory: Yeah, man. I really wanted to be principal. [chuckles] Then it didn't happen and... and now I think I'm mad.
Mr. Johnson: You got plenty of time, youngin'.

Mr. Johnson: [reads] "Dear Mr. Johnson, we know we couldn't go to the zoo because we didn't have signed permission slips. But we think it's bananas to make us write about "what superhero is our favorite..."
Chad: Because our real heroes are our teachers. They don't have cool powers like Spider-Man or invisible cars like Wonder Woman... ...some of them can't afford cars... But they still are our heroes. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Abbott Elementary Breakfast Club.
Mr. Johnson: That's trash.

Janine: Hey, Mr. Johnson. These lights have been going on and off for weeks. Are you gonna do anything about them? The kids don't even wanna walk in.
Mr. Johnson: Above my pay grade, Janine. I make most electrical things work with a makeshift system I've had since '92. For this, we gotta wait on an electrician.
Janine: But...
Mr. Johnson: Goin' fishin'. I'll get to it.

Mr. Johnson: You touched the lights, didn't you, Janine?
Janine: Yes.
Mr. Johnson: Good thing I got me a system. [switches click] [sings] ♪ I'll make love to you ♪ ♪ Like you want me to ♪ ♪ And I'll hold you tight ♪ ♪ Baby, all through the night ♪

Janine: Okay, kids. Let us move on to "oldhead," one word.
Children: Oldhead.
[As Barbara leaves Janine's class room, Mr. Johnson is changing a lightbulb in the hallway]
Mr. Johnson: Young bouls are so disrespectful.
Barbara: Mmm.

Mr. Johnson: You want me to buy you some time?
Janine: Yes.
Mr. Johnson: Abbott Elementary, make some noise! [cheers and applause]
Janine: Yeah.
Mr. Johnson: I'm gonna make this basketball disappear. [drops it in the trash] Ta-da! [cheers and applause]

Melissa: Mr. J! Come on. It's time.
Mr. Johnson: Hey, it's me, Mr. Johnson. I look different in my after-work clothes. You got him to play?
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Jacob: I think I'll be okay. You know, I... I've dabbled in Uno.
Melissa: Yeah, see? He dabbled in Uno. Listen, this is a nice, friendly game. You got nothing to worry about.
Jacob: Well, wonderful.
Melissa: Sit your ass down.
Mr. Johnson: Papa's getting a new set of brooms! [laughs]