Ava: Aw, man. Why am I not getting these videos? I've done everything I possibly can to make my phone think I'm 22. I haven't used capital letters in years.

Ava: Get all your desks to the gym until this whole thing blows over or there's some new trend that I don't hear about because life is a joke, people. Come on. Hurry up. Who knows when those kids'll start arriving.
Jacob: They get here at 7:30.
Ava: Every day? That's wild.

Barbara: [enters] Sweet baby Jesus, and the grown one, too! My desks have been desked!
Mr. Johnson: They got you?
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: Oh, this is bad.
Barbara: Mnh!
Melissa: Their fault. They went on a desking promotional tour.
Jacob: No, uh...
Barbara: What have you done?

Zach: [to Jacob] Hey. There's my guy.
Ava: Black?!
Zach: It's actually pronounced "Zach." You must be Ava.
Ava: You were all thinking it. I see you. Don't look at me like that.
Barbara: We always look at you like this.

Melissa: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Ava: Two of you take Stefon, the other two take Brianna.
Janine: Right. Good cop, bad cop.
Jacob: You know, it's interesting that they say "good cop, bad cop," because policing in this country is so broken, it's really just "bad cop, bad cop."
Ava: Janine, you're with him.
Janine: Got it.

Ava: No! Why is my Internet not sending me anything cool? I should have gotten that video before Mr. Johnson. No offense, boo.
Barbara: [chuckles] It is not your phone, Ava. You are not one of them. You are not a Jojo Sea-bass.
Janine: You mean JoJo Siwa?
Barbara: I don't know what I mean, Janine. That's the point. But I do know that you all need to stop pretending like you can relate to these children. Because when you do, it just seems sad, desperate, and embarrassing.
Melissa: Mm.
Ava: You heard Barbara. Y'all are embarrassing.

Mr. Johnson: This ain't my first rodeo, hombre. [chuckles] I've staken out before.
Gregory: You stake out other classrooms?
Mr. Johnson: No, you creep. I did private investigator work back in the day.
Gregory: You were a private investigator before a custodian?
Mr. Johnson: No, before I worked at the rodeo.
Gregory: Oh. Sorry. I just... I thought that, you know...
Mr. Johnson: What, that I've been a custodian my whole life? No, man. I worked as a pipe fitter, a minor league baseball bunting coach, a tastefully nude model, sold RVs for summer. Might find a new path after this.
Gregory: Wait, you never dreamed of just doing one thing?
Mr. Johnson: Sure, I have. But a dream can be a distraction just as easy as it can be a goal.

Gregory: So, wait, if this is happening to everybody except Barbara, then what's going on?
Melissa: It's weird.
Miss Williams: I mean, no idea.
Mr. Johnson: I know what's going on, and it's bad. In fact, I've been praying that it wouldn't breach our walls.
Jacob: Ghosts.
Mr. Johnson: It's called desking. It's a new online challenge where kids jump from desktop to desktop. Heard about it last week through the custodial network.
Barbara: Mm.

Janine: [sighs] We need to get to the bottom of this.
Melissa: You know what? I bet you I can get a shoe print. Did you clean your desks off yet?
Janine: No.
Mr. Johnson: Nasty.
Melissa: Okay, does anybody know shoes?
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: My boyfriend, Zach, is a total sneaker-head. He- He loves shoes more than anything. Well, except ya boy. [chuckles] That's me. I'm "ya boy."

Melissa: Okay, since none of the kids are talking, we gotta catch one of them in the act. Then we flip that kid, follow it up to the top. Who wants to go fishing?
Barbara: Okay. Well, nobody is jumping up on my desks, so this is feeling like y'all's problem.
Ava: I could do a 21 Jump Street kind of thing. If I put on the right hat, I could pull off 13.
Janine: I don't think so. [chuckles]
Ava: How about we get you some platform shoes and you can pull off 12.
Janine: Okay.