Jacob: Teacher Appreciation Week was actually created so that less teachers would quit.
Melissa: Hm.
Mr. Johnson: That's why Mother's Day was invented, so less moms would leave their families.
Barbara: Gosh.

Ava: Ladies and Gentleladies, your courtside ticket winner, Mr. Johnson. [Mr. Johnson laughs as he walks in the room]
Melissa: So, um, who you thinking about taking with you to the game tonight?
Mr. Johnson: I'm bringing Dr. J.
Gregory: You know Julius Erving?
Mr. Johnson: Who? No, Dr. Jamar Cameron, my podiatrist.
Melissa: Oh, come on.
Mr. Johnson: Oh, I get it. Now I'm the bad guy, just because I'm rich.

[TV footage:]
Christian Crosby: Hey, Philly, it's time for our 30-second quiz, where one fan has a chance to win $1,000. Here we go. Alright, fans, I'm here with... What's your name, sir?
Mr. Johnson: Mr. Johnson.
Christian Crosby: Okay, Mr. Johnson, do you want to play our 30-second quiz for a chance to win $1,000?
Mr. Johnson: Put some time on the clock, Christian.
Christian Crosby: [chuckles] Okay. In 30 seconds, can you name 10 cleaning products?
[The staff after watching the video in the teachers' lounge:]
Melissa: They gave you $1,000?
Mr. Johnson: And a $50 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings.
Janine: Oh.

Ally: We could bribe the superintendent.
Melissa: With what money? Would you get your head in the game, Ally?
Mr. Johnson: In my safety deposit box, I have 3/4ths of what I think is a treasure map. Now if we find the other quarter...

Barbara: All right. Let's see who's teaching this. [keys clack] Okay.
Mr. Johnson: [on computer] Hello, everyone. I'm your teacher, Dr. Johnson. Welcome to Intergenerational Active Listening, also known as iGal. Okurr? The active listening class that hits different, no cap. I'll be your teacher, but not your friend. And I'm low-key deadass. You don't like it, then hop off, bro. Feel free to chime in if someone hasn't understood the assignment. Ya feel me, stupid?
Barbara: Stupid?
Mr. Johnson: Did I say that right? [Ashley pulls the camera towards her]
Barbara: Oh, Lord.
Ashley: Deadass.
Barbara: Dea-? [Barbara grunts as she shuts her laptop]

Mr. Johnson: Ava, I'm cashing in my time off for the rest of the year to go work with Gregory's dad at the landscaping company in Baltimore.
Ava: There's six more weeks of school left, and you don't have any days banked. You go fishing every other week.
Mr. Johnson: That's because I'm single-handedly trying to control the snakehead fish population.
Ava: I'll see you at work tomorrow.
Mr. Johnson: No offense to your little job here, but I got to do me. [walks off]
Ava: Wait, what? Hey!
[Ava runs out of her office wearing toe separators]
Ava: Hey, come back here! Oh, now you can walk fast.