Dick: You know, Mary, the great thing about rediscovering your roots is... you suddenly have a whole new world of people to blame for, you know, everything.

Dick: They're right. You can't go home again. So much for "family" and "brotherhood" and "home is where the heart is." What a bunch of crap!
Mary: Now you know where I've been coming from. You go home for the holidays, you see that beautiful Christmas tree in the window. Everything looks so idyllic. And all of a sudden there's your mother swinging a five-iron at your father's head, and the tree's in the eggnog.
Dick: How do you deal with it?
Mary: I repress. Repression is the key to a happy family.
Dick: Doesn't sound very healthy.
Mary: If you yell and scream, you end up sounding like your mother. I'm gonna go get another drink.
Dick: Didn't you just finish one?
Mary: Get off my back!

Mary: Are you gonna visit her?
Dick: We have a family reunion this weekend. It sounds like it's gonna be wonderful. You wanna come?
Mary: Are you sure it's all right?
Dick: Well, of course it's all right.
Mary: Oh, Dick, it's family, I-
Dick: No, don't worry, Mary. I'm sure you'll find my family to be warm and nurturing. It won't bear any resemblance to the liquor-drenched orgy of hatred and recrimination that marks every Albright get-together.

Sally: Oh, yes, the honking drives me mad with desire! Ah, you've noticed I have breasts. Good for you. [to Rico] Don left this in our bathroom.
Rico: Hey, Sally, you look nice.
Sally: Why, thank you. You've got me all hot now. I'd jump right into bed with you, but you'll have to get in line behind two construction workers, a mailman, and a twelve-year-old boy.
Rico: Sorry.
Don: Sally, he was just paying you an innocent compliment.
Sally: Well, I'm quite aware of how sexually attractive I am. I get it. Now let's move on.
Don: Sally, please, calm down.
Sally: What is that, some sort of menstruation crack? Well, I've got a news flash for you, Don Orville, and for all the men of Rutherford. Beneath this pretty package is a mind! Do you hear me? A mind!

Harry: Tommy, am I a Virgo or a Capricorn?
Tommy: I don't know. What's your birthday?
Harry: Does it matter? Because this horoscope right [voice quavers] here... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!
Tommy: Hey, Dick, get in here!
Harry: To ensure better customer service, this transmission may be monitored.
Dick: What is it?
Harry: The Big Giant Head has received your Lieutenant's request for gender reassignment.
Dick: What?
Tommy: Wait, Sally sent that thing off, like, three years ago.
Harry: The Big Giant Head hereby approves your request. For your convenience, your Lieutenant's body will be switched with that of your High Commander.
Dick: Lieutenant, you get in here!
Harry: Prepare to exchange forms in 3, 2, 1... [Harry, Dick and Sally sneeze]

Judith: Dick, stop throwing bread in the pot. You're wasting it.
Dick: Like bread in the fondue pot, so are the days of our lives.
Strudwick: Come on, Dick, it's New Year's eve. You're bringing us down.
Mary: Dick, cheer up or you'll be whistling through your cheek.
Dick: But, Mary-
Mary: No "but, Marys." This is a party, not a wake, so act like it.
Dick: Oh, all right. Everybody, a toast!
Mary: A toast!
Dick: As the old year draws to a close, one can't help but reflect on what hasn't been done and what can never be reclaimed. Say what you will about this year, it is lost, it is gone, and as I look around me, I can honestly say that there is no group that I would rather be with to face the grim specter of death racing at blinding speed so inexorably towards us. Cheers.

Dick: Vincent, have you ever really thought about where your time goes?
Strudwick: I can't say that I have, Dick, but-
Dick: Well, I have. In the last year, I've spent four months sleeping, two and a half weeks sitting in traffic, two days flossing, thirty-four hours watching the Discovery Channel. And while I have seen every type of animal eat every other type of animal, it hardly makes for a stellar 1998.
Strudwick: I have to go stand over there now.

Dick: It's not too late. I may have squandered 362 days, but the year is not lost! I can make a difference! You, I beg you. Step forward. And you, sir. Please, do not be afraid. Come forward! Let all men, White and Black, Black and White, put aside their differences and join hands and walk together down the streets of Rutherford! Let there be peace and harmony in the valley. For I, Dick Solomon, have made a difference!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: What?
Harry: Jake and Henry are bowling partners. They're, like, best friends.
Dick: Oh, fine. If they're not willing to serve as examples for our children, then let it be on their heads. I tried. [whines] I am such a loser.

Tommy: So, Dick, you want me to reserve you a table for the New Year's bash?
Dick: Uh, no. Mary's having a fondue party.
Sally: Hey, what's the big whoop about New Year's anyway?
Dick: I don't know. Mary says it's a good way to mark her year's accomplishments.
Sally: Ah. Well, I had a pretty great year. I lost my virginity and I completely mastered the art of manipulating Don. Oh, and I got some great sweaters.

Sally: He said that I was too old-looking to be a college student. I mean, really, Dick, do I look too old to be a college student?
Dick: You? Well, if you think of yourself as someone who's dropped out for a few years to explore the world, then... Yeah, yeah, you do look a little old.
Sally: Oh, Dick.
Dick: Oh, come here. Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally. There's a ripeness that comes with growing older. Maybe it's what they call maturity, but it's what I call beauty. And you, Sally you grow more beautiful every day.
Sally: You think so?
Dick: Well, look at you. Your big, beautiful eyes. your long, silky hair, the curve of your neck, your supple white skin, your sexy red lips.
Sally: I'm a little creeped out right now. [both run away in opposite directions]