Dick: Oh, no where are my boobs?
Sally: I've got them!
Both: You're me!
Tommy: Dick?
Sally: What?
Harry & Tommy: Aah!
Dick: Oh, great.
Harry: What happened?
Tommy: The Big Giant Head just switched their bodies.
Dick: Wow.
Sally: Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!

Harry: Well, let's have a toast, shall we? To [voice quavers] new... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. Your request has been approved. Your Lieutenant and High Commander will be restored to their previous Earth bodies immediately, and a small fee will appear on your next statement. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [Harry, Dick and Sally sneeze]
Sally: Dick?
Dick: Sally?
Both: We're back!
Dick: Isn't that great, Tommy?
Sally: Oh, isn't that cool, Tommy?
Tommy: [squints] Tommy? I'm not Tommy.
Dick: Oh, my god!
Tommy: Ah, I'm just screwin' with you.

Harry: Tommy, am I a Virgo or a Capricorn?
Tommy: I don't know. What's your birthday?
Harry: Does it matter? Because this horoscope right [voice quavers] here... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!
Tommy: Hey, Dick, get in here!
Harry: To ensure better customer service, this transmission may be monitored.
Dick: What is it?
Harry: The Big Giant Head has received your Lieutenant's request for gender reassignment.
Dick: What?
Tommy: Wait, Sally sent that thing off, like, three years ago.
Harry: The Big Giant Head hereby approves your request. For your convenience, your Lieutenant's body will be switched with that of your High Commander.
Dick: Lieutenant, you get in here!
Harry: Prepare to exchange forms in 3, 2, 1... [Harry, Dick and Sally sneeze]

Sally: Oh, yes, the honking drives me mad with desire! Ah, you've noticed I have breasts. Good for you. [to Rico] Don left this in our bathroom.
Rico: Hey, Sally, you look nice.
Sally: Why, thank you. You've got me all hot now. I'd jump right into bed with you, but you'll have to get in line behind two construction workers, a mailman, and a twelve-year-old boy.
Rico: Sorry.
Don: Sally, he was just paying you an innocent compliment.
Sally: Well, I'm quite aware of how sexually attractive I am. I get it. Now let's move on.
Don: Sally, please, calm down.
Sally: What is that, some sort of menstruation crack? Well, I've got a news flash for you, Don Orville, and for all the men of Rutherford. Beneath this pretty package is a mind! Do you hear me? A mind!

Dick: Oh, great! [sits down] Oh! What am I supposed to do with your, you know, goods?
Tommy: Just pick a side and commit.
Harry: Yup. Till you learn the ins and outs, you might wanna consider wearing a cup.
Dick: This is so weird.
Sally: Oh, stop complaining. Look at these willowy limbs. I don't know what to do with them. My center of gravity's so low, and would you look at these breasts!
Tommy: Hey, Dick, can we touch 'em?
Sally: Be my guest. They're not mine.
Dick: Hey! So help me god, if you touch those, you will die.

Don: Time to put out the fire. [Dick looks over at Don by the urinal] Keep your eye on the road, Dick. So what's bothering Sally? Is she still in a mood?
Dick: She looks pretty hot to me.
Don: She always looks hot, but you said she was interested in seeing me tonight. She seems to be paying more attention to Mary.
Dick: But you still love her right, Don?
Don: Of course I do. I'm crazy about her.
Dick: [sighs] Oh, goody. [turns to face Don mid-stream]

Dick: Oh, hey, Nina.
Nina: You went to Pic-and-Pay?
Dick: Yeah. I couldn't find anything except these stupid wingtips. They're not even patent leather. Men's shoes suck!
Nina: Well, that's too bad.
Dick: My feet are huge. I'm disgusting.
Nina: Okay.

Tommy: Whoo, Sally lookin' hot, man!
Harry: Yeah! Walk that around!
Dick: Lay off, buttheads! I'm having a crappy day. I can take the ugly shoes, I can take the stupid job, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk around with love handles!
Tommy: Are you wearing lip gloss?
Dick: It's not a gloss. It's a shiny balm. Dick is really neglecting his lips.

Dick: Oh, you two are up bright and early.
Sally: We just got back. Don took me on an all-night stakeout.
Dick: You must be exhausted.
Sally: No. We fell asleep around 11:00.
Don: Yeah. I'm reasonably sure nothing went down, though. I'm a pretty light sleeper.

Harry: Your request to return to your original earth bodies will be answered in the order in which it was received. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1...[sneezes]! What's the word?
Dick: He put us on the waiting list.
Sally: Damn!
Tommy: Man, it took him 3 years to answer the first one.
Sally: This is horrible, just horrible! Why, in heaven's name, would you put in a request to switch bodies? Lieutenant, what were you thinking?
Dick: Well, when we first got here, I didn't want to be the woman, but that was a long time ago before I realized how much I liked men.