Harry: Jackpot! Yeah! Check it out, Tommy. This is the loosest machine on the boat.
Tommy: Harry, it's a change machine.
Harry: That's right. It's changing me into a winner. Cocktails.
Tommy: Come on, Harry, let's go. People want to use the machine.
Harry: Oh, well, I'm sure that they do. Come on, baby. Money comes to money. Come on, mama. [machine dispenses change] Yeah!

Don: Ah, Sally. You're like this beautiful wild horse. If I'm... gonna keep you, I'd have to break you. Because if I didn't, you'd just keep throwin' me off and steppin' on my head. But I don't want to break you, Sally. I love you. So I guess I'm gonna have to... let you go. If, uh... If someday you should choose to, uh, come back to me... maybe I'll be here maybe I won't. We'll just have to see.
Sally: So this is it? [hands back ring]
Don: You know my number.
Sally: Yep, 911. Hey, Don. Can we turn on the siren? You know, for old times' sake?
Don: Sure. [siren wails]

Tommy: Dick, it's freezing in here.
Dick: Invigorating, isn't it? Makes you feel alive.
Sally: [enters] Hey, guys.
Dick: Oh, Lieutenant, I'm glad you're here.
Sally: You know, Don asked me something out of the blue-
Dick: Cold? Of course it's cold. Do you know why? Because my own brother betrayed me. He and those Dubceks think they can freeze us out. Ha! I thrive at this temperature.
Sally: Wait, Dick, I need to talk to you about something-
Dick: We've grown accustomed to too many luxuries, Sally. Heat, electricity, cooked meats. It's made us weak!

Mr. Gindek: Mr. Solomon, why don't you just cooperate? You're only making things harder.
Dick: All right. All right, you've caught us. [all hold hands] We are aliens. We came here from a barred spiral galaxy in the Cepheus Draco border territory in order to study your species. I only ask that you take into account our good intentions before you call in your scientists to dissect us.
Mr. Gindek: Sorry, folks. I've heard that one before, too. Mr. Solomon, you owe $16,143 in back taxes.
All: Yes! [cheer]

Dick: All right. It's time to come clean. The reason why we haven't been filing returns is we were kidnapped.
Tommy: That's right!
Sally: Yeah. Yeah. And they said if we filed our taxes... they'd kill us!
Mr. Gindek: Oh, really?
Dick: No! Uh, no. To be honest, we were in the Witness Protection Program, and they were very bad about forwarding our mail.
Mr. Gindek: I don't think so.
Dick: Okay. How about this? We've spend the last four years living in the Canadian rockies with a pack of wolves!
Mr. Gindek: A pack of wolves.
Dick: Yes. I was the alpha dog.

Dick: Okay. Now let's go over our return. You, young man. How could this family have lived for three years with no visible income?
Tommy: We collected cans.
Dick: How many cans?
Tommy: 123,450 cans.
Dick: And you didn't report that income?
Tommy: The income was $6,217, which falls well below federal limits for filing.
Dick: Your numbers don't add up!
Tommy: We turned in 33% of those cans in Michigan where it's 5 cents a can, sir!
Dick: Oh, yeah? In Michigan, eh?
Harry: Where I was in a coma! Sir!

Mary: How about the truth, Dick?
Dick: Tommy's coming up with the truth right now, but in the meantime I'm going to need you to play ball.
Mary: Oh, no. You're not gonna drag me into this.
Dick: Drag you into this? This whole thing is your fault! If it weren't for you, I never would have filed my damn tax return in the first place!
Mary: Well, if you hadn't fudged with my numbers, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Dick: Just remember this. If I go down, you're coming down with me! I hope you burn in hell, Mary Albright! [exits] [returns] Okay, that last bit was a little harsh. But it's been building up for eight long years.
Mary: Three.
Dick: Damn!

Dick: Oh, hello, Mary. I was just thinking about how long I've known you. Ten long years.
Mary: It's more like three years.
Dick: Well, then you'd be comfortable saying seven long years?
Mary: No, it's three years, Dick.
Dick: So I can safely quote you as saying that you've known me for six good, verifiable years, then?
Mary: Three.
Dick: Fair enough. But you are quite familiar with what I was doing in the three years prior to that?
Mary: Are you kidding me? You never told me anything about your life before you started working here. You hem, you haw, you rush in, you rush out. Oh, let's not forget the spontaneous laryngitis.
Dick: That was going around.

Dick: Oh, and look at this. Here's a receipt for $14.99. Or is it $114.99?
Sally: Or is it $1,114.99?
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. You think they'll buy that? I mean, that's a lot of money for a pencil sharpener.
Dick: Simple. We just cross out "pencil sharpener" and write in "airplane."
Harry: It's brilliant!

Dick: Oh, that's it Mary. Crunch those numbers. Crunch 'em good.
Mary: So you subtract line 64 from 56-
Dick: Yes, now deduct my pants.
Mary: Dick, I think you're gonna want to keep your pants on.
Dick: Why is that?
Mary: Because you're about to lose your shirt.
Dick: And so are you.
Mary: You owe $9,500!
Dick: What?! You bitch!
Mary: You didn't pay any taxes. What did you expect?
Dick: Well, I certainly didn't expect my girlfriend to wear my ass as a snowshoe!