Tommy: So, Dick, you want me to reserve you a table for the New Year's bash?
Dick: Uh, no. Mary's having a fondue party.
Sally: Hey, what's the big whoop about New Year's anyway?
Dick: I don't know. Mary says it's a good way to mark her year's accomplishments.
Sally: Ah. Well, I had a pretty great year. I lost my virginity and I completely mastered the art of manipulating Don. Oh, and I got some great sweaters.

Dick: It's not too late. I may have squandered 362 days, but the year is not lost! I can make a difference! You, I beg you. Step forward. And you, sir. Please, do not be afraid. Come forward! Let all men, White and Black, Black and White, put aside their differences and join hands and walk together down the streets of Rutherford! Let there be peace and harmony in the valley. For I, Dick Solomon, have made a difference!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: What?
Harry: Jake and Henry are bowling partners. They're, like, best friends.
Dick: Oh, fine. If they're not willing to serve as examples for our children, then let it be on their heads. I tried. [whines] I am such a loser.

Dick: Vincent, have you ever really thought about where your time goes?
Strudwick: I can't say that I have, Dick, but-
Dick: Well, I have. In the last year, I've spent four months sleeping, two and a half weeks sitting in traffic, two days flossing, thirty-four hours watching the Discovery Channel. And while I have seen every type of animal eat every other type of animal, it hardly makes for a stellar 1998.
Strudwick: I have to go stand over there now.

Judith: Dick, stop throwing bread in the pot. You're wasting it.
Dick: Like bread in the fondue pot, so are the days of our lives.
Strudwick: Come on, Dick, it's New Year's eve. You're bringing us down.
Mary: Dick, cheer up or you'll be whistling through your cheek.
Dick: But, Mary-
Mary: No "but, Marys." This is a party, not a wake, so act like it.
Dick: Oh, all right. Everybody, a toast!
Mary: A toast!
Dick: As the old year draws to a close, one can't help but reflect on what hasn't been done and what can never be reclaimed. Say what you will about this year, it is lost, it is gone, and as I look around me, I can honestly say that there is no group that I would rather be with to face the grim specter of death racing at blinding speed so inexorably towards us. Cheers.

Nina: Uh, Sally, do you always cry to get what you want?
Sally: No. Usually all I do, you know, is push my boobs out at him. Or sometimes I go like this.
Nina: Oh, really?
Sally: Yeah. I only go to the crying place if I'm really backed into a corner.
Nina: And you don't understand why he's mad about that?
Sally: No. I mean, you think he's crazy? What's his problem?
Nina: It sounds like you're just pushing his buttons.
Sally: Right. That's exactly what I'm doing.
Nina: But you shouldn't be.
Sally: Why?
Nina: Why? Because if you just keep crying and pouting to get your own way, he's going to take a walk.
Sally: Oh, my God! I don't want Don to take a walk.

Sally: Don, I have been such a jerk.
Don: No, Sally, look, I'm sorry I had to read you the riot act, but you crossed over the line.
Sally: No, I know. I know. Say no more. Listen, Don, I have realized that I am really, really hot.
Don: What?
Sally: I am really, really hot! And that gives me the power to render men defenseless, but with that power comes a certain responsibility, and I know that now.
Don: Well, that's good, Sally, because a man's got to have his dignity.
Sally: Of course he does.
Don: Well, then we agree to agree.
Sally: Wait, wait, wait. So what should I do the next time I want you to do something you don't want to do?
Don: How about we don't do it?
Sally: Interesting.

Mary: I've got to tell you, Dick, I'm really excited about this party.
Dick: Oh, yes. There's nothing like the stink of a good fondue. But I don't see what the whole hullabaloo is about New Year's.
Mary: What do you mean?
Dick: Well, it's so arbitrary. The earth makes one orbit around the sun right back to this random point. I mean, the man who came up with this calendar thought the earth was flat. Do you really want to be on his team?

Dick: [on the phone] Uh, yes, hello. It seems that a generous donation has been made in my name to your organization, and I was wondering, how does your return policy work? Of course, I'm serious. I want you to march some of those dimes right back my way. Hello? Hello?! [hangs up]
Nina: Merry Christmas, Dr. Solomon. I baked you some cookies.
Dick: Oh! Thank you, Nina. And I got this for you. You're making the world a better place. Oh, and don't try to get your money back, because they won't give you the time of day over there.

Mary: Well, it's official! The first annual Albright new year's fondue party is on!
Dick: That's great.
Nina: Wow! Ph.D.S and melted cheese! The cops are going to have their hands full.

Mary: You know, a year goes by, you think what do I have to show for it, but... Sure, I made Dean, I'm making a lot more money, I have tremendous power over all of my friends... Oh, yeah, I had a great year.