Strudwick: You know, it's funny. I used to bring these creamers home to Alissa. She'd have little tea parties with her stuffed animals. They grow up quick, don't they?
Dick: Yeah. I can remember when Tommy didn't even know how to wipe his own butt. Then he figured it out all on his own. And taught me.

Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: [gasps] Please, Dr. Albright! We barely know each other.

Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: I'm done. How do I look?
[Dick removes the hair cap to revealed his freshly-dyed jet black hair]
Sally: Um, Dick, um... Okay, if somebody were helping you with an experiment and things went awry and you became horribly disfigured, you wouldn't hold it against them, now would you?
Dick: Why? What happened?
Sally: Nothing. Destroy all the mirrors now!
Dick: No, no! I've got to see! [holds up a hand mirror] Oh, my God! I'm gorgeous!

Dick: Where am I? And what's going on?
Mary: You lied so much, you passed out.
Dick: Mary, it's true. I'm the High Commander of an exploratory mission that came to Earth six years ago to study mankind.
Mary: Does your family know about this?
Dick: We're not a family. We're a unit. Tommy is the information officer. Sally is the security officer. And Harry has an enormous transmitter in his head.
Mary: Oh, that's impossible! Except for the Harry part.
Dick: Open your mind. Think about everything you don't know about me. And then think about everything you do know. Think about how every single time something happens, it's like I'm learning it for the first time... like a child. Mary, think about our entire six year relationship knowing that I'm an alien.
Mary: [smiles] [looks horrified] [looks angry] [looks sad] [smiles] You are an alien.
Dick: Yes.
Mary: Why didn't I see this before?
Dick: Because you're only human.

Harry: Well, I'm going with ya. Because I, too, have a wanderlust inspired by a different book.
Tommy: You do?
Harry: Indeed. And one day far from here, you and I will point our fingers at that bespectacled man with the sock hat and proudly say, "There's Waldo!"
Tommy: Harry, Waldo's a fictional character.
Harry: Ah, then it will be that much sweeter... when we find him.

Dick: Oh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. Who am I?!
Harry: Well, let me see. Your first name's Dick. Your new last name is Head, so I guess that would make...
Dick: Oh, my God.

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Mary: Oh, Nina, I feel so bad, Dick being trapped in that hole. It's another example of when bad things happen to good people.
Nina: It's not a great example.

Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.