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Dick on a Roll

‘Dick on a Roll’

Season 3, Episode 12 -  Aired January 7, 1998

After Dick injures himself and needs to use a wheelchair, he is shocked by how difficult it is to access his office in the university. Meanwhile, Sally finally finds something to do in Rutherford when she discovers a hot new nightclub, and Vicki Dubcek returns having taken a vow of celebacy.

Quote from Dick

Dick: You will never, if you live to be 100, suffer the indignity that I have just suffered! I pray that you will just so you'll know how much it sucks!
Nina: What are you talking about?
Dick: There is absolutely no way for a person in a wheelchair to get into this building.
Mary: Did you try the ramp?
Dick: Is that some kind of wheelchair move I'm expected to know?
Mary: No. It's a wheelchair-accessible entrance with a ramp. It's on every building at Pendelton.
Dick: Well, not on this one.
Mary: The ramp is on the south side.
Dick: Oh. Might as well be in Portugal.
Nina: 'Cause it's so far away?
Dick: No, Nina, because Portugal is an ancient land of fascinating maritime culture. Yes, it's so far away!


Quote from Dick

Dick: Yesterday, December second, a day that will live in infamy, I pulled myself up these steps, one cement injustice after another. But today I pledge to you, my sisters and brothers, that until they build a north ramp on this side of Hoff Hall, I will not rest. Except for the occasional nap.

Quote from Dick

Mary: Dick, why are you doing this? You'll be better in three weeks. Why do you care so much about this ramp?
Dick: Well, I care because they care.
Mary: You're only doing this because you like it that people are listening to you. A second ramp is unnecessary and stupid.
Leon: Dr. Albright, you think helping disabled people is stupid? [crowd boos]
Mary: No. [crowd hisses] Oh, shut up. That's not what I meant!
Dick: You just can't stand that everyone here thinks I'm right and you're wrong.
Mary: Dick, what's right isn't always popular, and what's popular isn't always right.
Dick: Yes, but I'm both right and popular, and everybody hates you.

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Don: You were born in 1968?
Mrs. Dubcek: I don't want the boys to be intimidated by my experience.
Don: Whatever. You're in.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: I have something important to tell you. I've decided to become celibate.
Harry: Ah, you can tell Harry all about it while we're having sex.
Vicki Dubcek: No, Harry, please stop. I've gotta purify myself. I've decided to become a licensed massage therapist. And massage therapy requires a great level of spirituality.
Dick: Whoo! This beats the hell out of that cardboard box!
Harry: So, are you still on that crazy celibacy kick?
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, Harry. Come on. You know how it is. The sex leads to booze, and the booze leads to drugs, and the drugs lead to stealing stuff from my mama.

Quote from Tommy

Don: Nah, it's fake.
Tommy: How do you know?
Don: Well, the laminate is peeling from the cardboard, and I used to date your sister. Come on, Tommy.
Tommy: I am not Tommy. My name is Anatoly. I'm from the U.S. territory of Guam.
Don: Okay. Then where exactly is Guam located?
Tommy: The kidney-shaped island of Guam is located at 13 degrees north latitude, 144 degrees longitude. Its official bird is the Toto, also known as the fruit darter-
Don: All right, nobody knows that much about Guam. [to Tommy's high school friends Elman and Romano] Oh, Mr. Chubais. Mr. Chubais. I saved you a table. Thank you. Now, they're Guamish.

Quote from Harry

Harry: [in a wheelchair] Greased lightning!
Sally: Where'd you get that thing?
Harry: I got it from Miss Dubcek's garage.
Dick: Whoa! My turn! My turn!
Harry: Oh, no. I don't think I'll be getting off any time... [Vicki walks up the stairs]... before right now.
Vicki Dubcek: Hey, baby. Vicki's back.
Harry: Grr. So, Vicki why didn't you keep in touch?
Vicki Dubcek: I must have written you 2 letters. But I did not receive those letters. Okay! Okay! Maybe I did. But I'm a different woman now, Harry.
Harry: Margaret Thatcher?
Vicki Dubcek: No.
Harry: Ah. Good.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh! Oh! Can you believe this wheelchair didn't come with a warning?
Tommy: Yeah. Something like, uh, "Danger: don't be an idiot and ride the wheelchair down stairs"?
Dick: That would have been the spirit of the warning, yes.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Big deal. You broke your foot, you can't walk for a couple of weeks. There's nothing to do in this town anyway.
Harry: Think you're forgetting, barber shop got a radio.
Sally: That's right. I forgot. The barber shop got a radio. Will someone please shoot me in the eye?

Quote from Dick

Mary: Dick, Hoff Hall is a landmark. It is over 100 years old. The ramp is on the south side so it would not ruin the facade.
Dick: Okay, but that means that I have to pass by Professor Strudwick's office, and every time I do, he drags me in, makes me look at his pictures of salmon. Do you know the difference between a coho and a sockeye? Well, I do!

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