Dwight K. Schrute: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business. [chuckles] Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family, brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Schrupert. I was the dynamic, likable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that. But I knew.

Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out!

Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior.
Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean... the sex with Jan.
Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
[aside to camera:]
Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was, uh, like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

Clark: Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so... bon appetite.
Phyllis: Ooh! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian.
Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time.
Meredith: Always with the friends, Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?
Oscar: Actually, it's pronounced "espresso"... Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So...

Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, "Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah. No, I've never had an espresso before. They're good though.

Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here!
[aside to camera:]
Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now.

Sam Stone, Sr.: It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy?
Clark: No, we sure hadn't, Pop. [both chuckle]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh?
Clark: He calls me Clarky ‘cause he's my dad.
Dwight K. Schrute: Guilty!
Sam Stone, Sr.: You don't meet many hunters these days.
Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer... of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight mimes sawing and blood spurting out]
Dwight K. Schrute: It was his birthday, just turned three. So...
Sam Stone, Sr.: Ah...

Dwight K. Schrute: [on the phone] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of "Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire".
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.
Jim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight K. Schrute: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [on phone] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight K. Schrute: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mmm. That's a good... question. 300 times... [Jim hangs up] 180... [dial tone] Um, that comes to 25 minutes. ... Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you. [puts phone down]

Dwight K. Schrute: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but...
Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh... No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?
Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it.
Dwight K. Schrute: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?
Clark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then looks like we have a deal, son.