Sue: Mom's gonna call Mrs. Siccola, and then she's gonna find out that we already called.
Brick: Don't panic. Here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna call Mrs. Siccola again and say I can come to the party. So when Mom calls and says I can't, it will all make sense.
Sue: Okay, good.
Woman: [on machine] Hello, you've reached the Siccolas. Please leave a message.
Sue: [on the phone] Hi there, Allison. Just calling to let you know that my son can come to the party after all. Thank you. [hangs up]
Brick: Who's your son? You didn't say who you were.
Sue: [gasps] [on the phone] Hi, forgot to say my name. It was Frances Heck letting you know Brick can't come to the party. [cut] He can. He can come to the party. At least for now. [cut] Not that we're expecting anything to happen. All signs are clear that he is coming. [cut] Did I say Axl? Because I meant Brick. You know, I just wanted to be accurate. Hello? Hello? [Brick pulls the phone cord out of the wall]

Mike: Look, you wanted me to go to the funeral, and I'm going. You won, you got what you wanted, so be happy.
Frankie: But I don't want you to go because I want you to go. I want you to go because you wanna go.
Mike: Well, I don't.
Frankie: Well, you should. How would you feel if you died and someone came because someone made them? And what they really wanted was to be at a basketball game.
Mike: I'd feel dead. I wouldn't care. As a matter of fact, I'm going to specify in my will that if I die during any major sporting event, no one has to come to my funeral.
Frankie: Oh, I have a better idea. Why don't we take you to the nearest stadium and we'll shoot you out of the T-shirt cannon at halftime?

Frankie: Hey, Axl, I'm gonna need you to start helping out with Aunt Edie and Aunt Ginny starting today.
Axl: Whoa, I get it. Talk as loud as you want. God.
Frankie: I'm serious, Axl. There's no reason you can't contribute. They're your aunts too. You do for family.
Axl: You know what? I completely see your point. And I'd be up for doing the old-lady thing today. Except, sadly, my car doesn't work.
Frankie: Oh. You can drive mine. Dad can take me to and from work.
Axl: God, you are so unfair. I already do just as much as you do around here. I just don't complain about it.
Mike: [to Frankie] When we get old, we're not counting on him to take care of us, right? We got another plan?

Mr. Ehlert: And when Keith Smart hit that last shot, the whole place just about exploded.
Mike: I can't believe you were there.
Mr. Ehlert: Saw it with these two eyes. Best day of my life. And that includes my wedding, the birth of my children, and the day we liberated Iraq.
Frankie: Okay, ready to go.
Mike: Well, Don, it was great meeting you.
Mr. Ehlert: You too, Stretch.

Brick: Sue, I can't go to this birthday party. It will be horrible. Tons of kids chasing each other, running. They eat sugar, and then they run more. For no reason.
Sue: Then tell Mom you don't wanna go.
Brick: I tried, but she doesn't get it. She thinks I have trouble fitting in. [whispers] Fitting in.

Sue: I can't believe I just did that. I've never lied before in my whole life.
Brick: Really?
Sue: Have you?
Brick: No. [whispers] I'm lying.

Brick: Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna call as Mom again and tell her someone's been using Mom's name. So whatever they called and said, it's the opposite.
Sue: Okay.
Woman: [on machine] Hello, you've reached the Siccolas. Please leave a message.
Sue: [on the phone] Hello, Allison. Listen, I just wanted to let you know that there's some kids in the neighborhood pretending to be me. And RSVP'ing in crazy ways. So you shouldn't trust any calls you may have received previously. But I'm the real mom. You can tell because I'm so stressed out. I can't tell you the last time I took a bath, and we both...
Woman: [on the line] Hello. Who is this?
Sue: Oh, hi. You're there.
Brick: [mouths] Keep going.
Sue: Uh, yeah, so I was just saying how we're both moms. We know how hard it is when we're trying to go to the bathroom, and the kids are pounding on the door, right? [inhales] Wait. This isn't Frankie Heck, it's Sue Heck. It's always been Sue Heck. I'm so sorry, I've never done anything like this before in my whole life. I got a 79 on my math test. I needed my brother's help and I'm so weak. Please don't tell my mom. [hangs up]

Reverend Hayver: Welcome, friends. We're here today to remember Mac Freehold... friend, uncle, cousin and, of course, beloved brother. Mac was especially close to his baby sister Edie, who has some thoughts she'd like to share with us now.
Aunt Edie: Thank you, pastor. I just wanna thank you all for coming. It means so much to have you here... At my birthday party. [crowd murmurs] You know, I have friends who just dread their birthday. But I just say, consider the alternative.
Frankie: [v.o.] I couldn't believe it. I had dragged Mike away from the event of a lifetime, so he could be here. Even though Aunt Edie apparently wasn't.
Frankie: Hey, Aunt Edie, I think you're a little confused. We're not here for that. We're actually here for... [sings] Happy birthday to you
All: [sing] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Edie Happy birthday to you [Edie blows out the remembrance candle]

Mike: All right, I get it, you're still mad.
Frankie: I'm not mad, Mike. I guess I just don't understand, that's all. I don't understand why you can't just come to the funeral and tape the games.
Mike: Tape the games? So instead of actually being there, I can watch it three hours later, sitting on my couch after everybody else already knows who won. Tape the games? Seriously, tape the games? Tape the funeral. At least I won't have to worry about anybody telling me how it ends.

Mike: Hey.
Frankie: Oh, hey, I'm almost ready. Mr. Ehlert's on the warpath, so you might wanna wait in the car.
Mr. Ehlert: [o.s.] Frances!
Mike: Want me to take care of him for you?
Frankie: Oh, that would be so great. Car, go.
Mr. Ehlert: Francis, if you're not gonna sell any cars, at least could you wash out the coffee mugs?
Frankie: Um, Mr. Ehlert, this is my husband, Mike. Mike, Mr. Ehlert.
Mike: How you doing?
Mr. Ehlert: Oh, hi, Mike. Tall men, little wives. [chuckles] Always funny.