Axl: You know, if I was gonna ask somebody to the prom, it would be Emily Anderson.
Sean: Ooh. Emily.
Axl: Oh, yeah. I laid some major groundwork at my folks' Christmas party, but then I got busy... Didn't close the deal. I just wish there was some way I could... Put her on hold until after prom so I don't miss my shot. I mean, she's super hot. Someone's gonna ask her... Someone like... you.
Sean: What?
Axl: Wait, this is perfect. Just stay with me here. Okay? You take her to prom and just hold her for me. It's like pushing the pause button until I'm able to finish what I started. Huh? Come on, dude. I would totally date a hot chick you liked, for you.
Sean: Fine, but we're going halfsies on the corsage.
Axl: Cool.

Brick: I found a four-leaf clover. It's good luck, you know.
Mike: See, Brick? You put down the books for a second...
Brick: Can I be done being outside now?
Mike: Fine. Hang on. What's that on your neck?
Big Mike: Looks like you picked up a tick.
Brick: What?!
Mike: It's all right. We'll get it out of there with some tweezers, and put some cream or something on there. If it's too deep, we'll call the doctor.

Axl: Why? Why would you ask my sister to the prom?
Darrin: I don't know. She's nice. She has a sunny disposition.
Axl: Dude, that's my sister you're talking about.
Darrin: Then you know what I mean.
Axl: No, Darrin. I don't know. I don't know why you would ever in a billion trillion years think it was okay to ask my sister out on a date.
Darrin: It's not a date. I just want someone to dance with, who's nice to talk to, and so does she. You should get to know her sometime. She's actually pretty cool.
Axl: Oh. Make it stop.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey. Our Aunt Edie interviews are starting, so unless you want the job, clear out.
Sue: [to Axl] You know, you should really be nice to me, or I'll never let little Darrin or Amanda see their Uncle Axl!

Frankie: So what made you want to apply to be Aunt Edie's caregiver?
[montage:]
Woman #1: I saw in the ad, she's into smoking and drinking, and I'm like, "This old lady likes to party."
Man #1: Well, the ad said I'd have my own room.
Man #2: I just love old ladies.
Woman #2: Should probably get this out right off the top. I don't cook, so...
Mike: What kind of experience do you have?
[montage:]
Woman #1: With partying? Tons.
Man #1: Uh, not really any. So she'd never come in my room, right? Like, ever?
Man #2: The older, the better, I say.
Woman #2: Another FYI, I don't really clean, either.
Frankie: Do you have any questions for us?
[montage:]
Woman #1: What kind of meds is she on? Anything good?
Man #1: What kind of security system does she have?
Man #2: I mean, I... I love old ladies... A lot.
Frankie: Wow. So many good applicants. I don't know how we're gonna choose.

Ashley: Sorry, Axl. I can't go to prom with you anymore.
Axl: Are you serious?
Ashley: Fred Fredman asked me. His D&D character's a ninth-level magic user, so...
Axl: Okay. No worries. You two have a good time.
Axl: Thank you, Fred Fredman. I'm free!

Axl: Now I just gotta find Emily, tell her she's getting an upgrade. Sean? You're the man. I totally appreciate you keeping her on ice for me, dude.
Sean: Uh, yeah. That ice melted a bit. My mom already called her mom, they scheduled photos... Plus we already rounded a couple bases.
Axl: What? No! That is so not cool. I've been working on her for a long time.
Sean: Oh, you mean when you were asking Weird Ashley to prom?
Axl: I did not ask her. I was tricked. I can't believe you would do this to me. I thought we were bros.

Axl: [groans] Wait a minute. New idea forming. What happens every year at prom?
Darrin: A baby gets born?
Axl: That was last year. No. Think about it. Couples break up. There's always girls crying in the bathroom. It's guaranteed. So in walks me, offering a very handsome shoulder to cry on. It's a major chick-atunity.
Sean: Dude, you're a genius.
Axl: Uh, yep. Ax-man's going stag. Look out, all you idiots with dates. I'm gonna be king of the prom.

Frankie: There you go. Sugar?
Woman: Oh, no, thank you. I'm fine. [drinks coffee out of the blender jug]
Frankie: So you enjoy taking care of people? I guess you'd have to. You've seen what we're paying.
Woman: Oh, I consider it a privilege. I don't think folks realize how much we have to learn from our aging relatives. [Mike tuts] Well, of course they can be frustrating, always thinking they know best, but in the end, you forgive 'em 'cause they're your family, and you love 'em. And they won't be around forever, right? I remember one time before he died, my dad...
Mike: Fine. [grabs his keys and goes]
Frankie: Well, obviously, Mike doesn't need to hear anything else... And I think you seem great, too, so... Unless you have any questions...
Woman: Actually, I do have one. Your Aunt Edie doesn't smoke, does she? 'Cause I really hate smoking.
Frankie: She might... Every once in a while.
Woman: Would she be willing to quit?
Frankie: Would you be willing to start?

Mike: Hey, Dad. Uh, when you were over the other day, I know I... might have said something...
Big Mike: Oh? Didn't notice.
Mike: I think you did. Um... I guess what I'm... trying to say is, I'm sorry.
Big Mike: Came all this way to say sorry?
Mike: Yeah, Dad. I did.
Big Mike: Wow. You really have gone soft.
Mike: That's it.