Eleanor: How many times in all the reboots did I ask Chidi for help, he refused to help me and then I had to get better on my own?
Michael: Never. He always helped you.
Eleanor: God. Really?
Michael: Yep. No matter how I set it up, you found him, confessed you didn't belong, asked him for help, and he said yes. Now his agreeing to help was part of my plan. What wasn't part of my plan was it actually working. Drove me nuts. Pesky little nerd. Stuck with you and always helped you overcome your biggest problem.
Eleanor: Assuming that's my selfishness.
Michael: No. No, no, no. It's that you never found a haircut that framed your face properly. Yes, your selfishness.
Eleanor: I'm not that selfish.
Janet: [appears] Eleanor, your cocaine and escape train are ready.
Eleanor: Not now.
Janet: Okay. [disappears]

Eleanor: I think Michael is a liar. I think there's a 99% chance he's forking with us. But he's asking us for help, so we should help him. Because that's what Chidi would do. That's what Chidi would do for me or for any of us.
Chidi: It's what I am doing.
Eleanor: I know.
Chidi: It's just... you're talking about me like I'm not here or something and that just makes me feel weird.
Eleanor: [sighs]

Eleanor: All right. We're all in. We'll help you.
Michael: You finally listened to reason.
Eleanor: On one condition. You wanna be on our team, you gotta be on our team. Which means the professor over here is gonna give us all lessons on how to be better people. Including you.
Michael: Oh, no. No, I won't be taking any classes. I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream...
Eleanor: Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now.
Eleanor: We are all going to take classes. We are all going to improve. And the second you betray us, I walk into Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant and tell her everything. You agree to those terms, and you can join us on Team Cockroach. So what's it gonna be? You're running out of time. And we're your only option. [Michael chuckles softly]

Michael: Now I wanna introduce someone that you're gonna get to know very well. She was the top point getter, so she'll be helping me out around the neighborhood, kind of like your mayor. Vicky Sengupta! [applause] Vicky, would you like to say a few words?
Vicky: Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words. Janet, hit it. [sings Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"] At first I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side

Michael: We should have a few hours to ourselves. Vicky's working on her performance for the welcome party tonight.
Eleanor: It looks like pretending to enjoy her singing is gonna be half our job here.
Michael: I got her to tell me how she was gonna torture you at the party, which is basically the same way I did. Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp, insults people, et cetera. Whatever bad stuff you do becomes the basis for the chaos tomorrow morning.
Eleanor: Okay, okay. So my job is to get drunk and insult people. I think I can hack that.
Michael: Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you to act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor.
Chidi: Way ahead of you.
Michael: Tahani, just be your fabulous self. And Jason, you're good old silent Jianyu the monk. [Jason gives a thumbs up] So I told Vicky that I would handle the surveillance on the four of you. That'll let us meet each day for Chidi's ethics lessons, which will apparently include me. Even though that's transparently insane.

Jason: And, um, Janet, you're not gonna rat us out, right?
Janet: Well, Jason, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last 1.3 milliseconds. I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy. And since you're the only actual humans here, I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.
Eleanor: Okay, bring it in. Team huddle. The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor, four dum-dums, and a robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Eleanor: We can do this. Team Cockroach on three. One, two, three.
All: Team Cockroach!
Jason: Bobcats! I still think that's better.

Tahani: How many different versions of this place have we been through?
Michael: Uh, let's see. 802. The longest one was 11 months. Uh, this current one has only been going for one week. Boy, you guys barely know each other. It's gonna make this tough.
Chidi: What's that super tiny line?
Michael: That's the shortest one, eight seconds. It was a butt reboot. I sat on the activator by mistake.

Eleanor: Okay, man. We got questions. First off, how can we possibly trust you?
Michael: You can't. But you have to. Logically, you shouldn't but you have no choice. I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you. It's a crazy thing to do.
Chidi: But you gotta. What happens if we don't?
Michael: Most likely, I reboot you once more, you figure it out again, Vicky tells my boss, he shuts everything down. I get punished, you end up spending the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place, up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions.

Eleanor: This is definitely a trap. We figured out his game every time and now he's just trying a new way to mess with us. Teaming up with a demon is insane.
Chidi: Maybe. But I think we have to do it.
Eleanor: Are you forking kidding me right now? You take a half an hour to pick out a turtleneck, and yet this you're sure about?
Chidi: Okay, look, I spent my whole life trying to learn about right and wrong and apparently, I failed. I want us to get better and I want us to stay that way. You understand that, right, Tahani?
Tahani: I understand nothing.
Jason: Hey! Same here!

[flashback:]
Veronique: Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine." Tahani, welcome.
Tahani: Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
Veronique: Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who... as you know... was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.
Tahani: I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.
Veronique: Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.
Tahani: Is there a question?
Veronique: Don't you find that remarkable?
Tahani: Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.
Veronique: Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children. I'm sorry, I forgot about you.