Chidi: I'm pretty good at turning every place I go into my personal hell, so I think they'll have a lot of options for me.

Tahani: Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps.
Eleanor: That sounds amazing.
Tahani: In Autumn. The off-season.
Eleanor: Yeah. Still fine. You'd be fine. Who are we kidding? You'll probably be running the place in like a week.
She'll be like, [British accent] "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy, This simply won't do. I demand to speak to your manager."
Jason: Again! Again!
Eleanor: "Your manager."

Tahani: Of course! That's it. We should speak to the manager. Wait, you said that there was a judge who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? Some sort of head honcho I could pace in front of and plead our case to and maybe even wag a finger at disapprovingly.
Michael: I thought about that. It's a non-starter. Judge rarely hears cases. And the only way to get to the Judge's office is through a portal, and we can never get to that.
Chidi: Why not?
Michael: We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, in plain sight, without getting caught. Reach and pass through the portal. Convince the judge to hear us out, even though we didn't go through the proper channels. And then somehow win our unwinnable case.
Eleanor: [burps] Okay. Let's do it.
Michael: You're serious?
Eleanor: Yeah! What do we have to lose?
Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Bad Janet: What up, idiot? This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters. We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks. And there is no overhead storage, so if you have any bags, why don't you just go ahead and place them up your fat butts?
Michael: Sorry about this, Bad Janet.
Bad Janet: Sorry about what, you fat dink?
[Michael turns Bad Janet into a marble]

Eleanor: [scale toots] Oh! Chidi got in my head.

Eleanor: It's just that thing Chidi said about previous versions of myself. It's screwing me up. But I can fix it. [removes necklace and hands it to Tahani] I stole this from your house the first night we were here. Okay. Should be the best version of myself now. [scale toots] [groans] Come on, scale. Be cool.

Tahani: So this really is the end. Completely out of options, are we?
Eleanor: Not completely out of options. We can do what the Shellstrops have always done when the chips are down. Ignore our problems, and drink heavily. Janet! A million bottles of your finest booze, please!

Janet: Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn.
Michael: "Finish shutting everything down. Sending train first thing tomorrow. Humans will be captured and tortured soup. Sorry. Autocorrect. Soon. Although weirdly, I did just finish turning someone into soup. So random. Okay. Bye."

Chidi: [to blackboard] We had a lot of good times together. I'll see you in the next life.
Eleanor: Good-bye, clowns. Goodbye, modernist architecture that I was too trashy to appreciate.
Chidi: Good-bye, house.
Eleanor: Good-bye, house.