Eleanor Quote #198
Janet: Good news! We've got a handle on the controls. Who's ready to go balloonin'?
Michael: Okay, I think we figured it out. [screen beeps] I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts, which Janet will now interpret for you.
Janet: The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realization. Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed. If she's the best version of herself, it will permit her to board. If not, passage will be denied.
Eleanor: Cool. Cool. Cool. We got this. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself. I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, 'cause I studied. And I read books that weren't even written by the Real Housewives. Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine. [scale chimes] Oh! Oh, man. I didn't believe anything I was saying. I just... whoo! In I go.
Quote from Michael
Eleanor: The point is Michael, we forgive you. I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. And that's the greatest thing someone can do, just try your best. So we hereby name you an honorary human. And we would like to present you with this human starter kit.
Michael: Car keys! So I could lose them, and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" I can do that you know that thing where... [laughs] Thank you! And Band-Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies. Oh, and look at this. A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo. Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away, and then think, "No, I'll use it." [laughter] Oh, guys. A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers. This is all garbage that I have no real use for.
Eleanor: That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. To Michael!
Quote from Jason
Jason: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert. And I'll be waiting for the bass drop, and it... [weeps] it'll never come.
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. It's just this constant grinding about things I'm afraid of or things that I want or want to want or want to want to...
Eleanor: Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
Chidi: Yep, but the point is... the circumstances under which me met are completely insane. And that just makes the grinding harder. I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: I don't know how normal people meet.
Eleanor: You're such a nerd.