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‘The Actor’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Actor

214. The Actor

Aired January 17, 1987

When a famous TV actor comes to town for a local theatre production, he starts clandestine relationships with Dorothy, Blanche and Rose.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: And we just want you to know how excited we are that an artist of your stature is going to be performing in our little theatre.
Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, there are no small theatres, no small parts, only small actors.
Rose: Like Herve Villechaize.
Patrick Vaughn: I was speaking metaphorically. Oh, please go on. That's such a beautiful language.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Rose, why don't we just show Mr. Vaughn around the theatre?
Blanche: Well, why don't I do that myself because I've had the most experience performing here.
Dorothy: Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Oh, that man is slime.
Dorothy: Pond scum.
Rose: Flugenachen.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: Flugenachen. It's Scandinavian for someone who docks his boat in a handicapped slip.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, this year, we just happen to have gotten a real actor. A star of incredible magnitude. Oh, Dorothy. The Miami Community Players are gonna have the extraordinary experience of working with none other than the incandescent Mr. Patrick Vaughn.
Dorothy: [breathless] Patrick Vaughn? Oh, my God. Oh, he is my all-time favorite TV actor. Oh, I cannot believe I am actually going to meet Patrick Vaughn. Oh, I've had a crush on him for years. He is the sexiest actor on TV.
Rose: I hate to admit it, but he melts my Haagen-Dazs.
Dorothy: Rose, you tramp.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Why are you wearing a raincoat? It's 80 degrees outside.
Sophia: I had a chill.
Dorothy: I have another question.Are you wearing a sabre under your coat?
Sophia: Yeah, I think it is. I'll see you later.
Dorothy: Ma, take off the coat. Ma, did you forget to take your blood pressure medicine again?
Sophia: I've got a job over at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty.
Dorothy: Why?
Sophia: I need money.
Dorothy: I give you money.
Sophia: Big deal, you give me an allowance. Who do I look like, Dennis the Menace?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Look, Ma, you're 81. Now, working all day in a fast food place is too much for you. I absolutely forbid it.
Sophia: Really, warden? And what are you going to do, send me back to that crumby home?
Dorothy: Ma, Shady Pines happens to be a beautiful retirement village.
Sophia: Yeah, right. And Morley Safer just happened to wander in there by mistake.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, we have great news.
Blanche: You are never going to guess who we have got to star in this year's production at the Community Theatre.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, please. You say that every year. And every year, we end up with Miami's answer to Meryl Streep. Phyllis Hammerow. She stinks.
Rose: Oh, I thought she was terrific last year in The Diary Of Anne Frank.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose. Please. During the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic. She's in the attic."

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia. Is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Strait of Magellan. Yo ho.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell. The "two for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What are you doing here?
Sophia: I had an hour to kill. I thought I'd swing by here and meet Mr. Hollywood.
Dorothy: You can't stay.
Sophia: Why? Are you embarrassed by your other mother?
Dorothy: When she's dressed like Vasco da Gama, yes.

Quote from Sophia

Patrick Vaughn: Excuse me, am I in the right place?
Blanche: Oh, my. Are you ever.
Patrick Vaughn: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Patrick Vaughn. [kisses Dorothy's hand]
Dorothy: Rose. Look, Rose, it's- It's- He's- I'm- We- Ugh!
Sophia: This is my daughter Dorothy. She's an English teacher.

Quote from Sophia

Patrick Vaughn: And you are?
Sophia: Linda Ronstadt. I'm doing The Pirates Of Penzance across town.

Quote from Blanche

Stage Manager: Blanche Devereaux?
Blanche: Just a moment.
[Blanche removes her gown to reveal a tight red sweater practically bursting with her "enhanced" breasts]
Dorothy: Oh, my God. My rear tires have less pressure in them.

Quote from Blanche

Patrick Vaughn: The moon is hanging awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty? Josie.
Blanche: It sure is, Biff.
Patrick Vaughn: It makes me want to kiss you, Jose.
Blanche: Oh, mind your manners, Biff. Why, we at the 4th of July picnic. The whole town is here.
Patrick Vaughn: To hell with this town. Come away with me.
Blanche: But you're a drifter, Biff. I can't just pull up stakes and run off with you.
Patrick Vaughn: Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?
Blanche: I want you to take me, Biff. [As they hug, Blanche's breasts begin to deflate] Oh. Oh.
Patrick Vaughn: Blanche, I am sorry. I'm afraid I popped your bosom.
Blanche: Don't you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Who's the flower for?
Rose: Oh, it's for Patrick. I thought I'd give him a rose for good luck since it's opening night.
Blanche: I'll give it to him.
Rose: Why should you give it to him?
Blanche: Well, haven't you heard that old theatrical saying?
Rose: No.
Blanche: Never accept a rose from somebody named Rose on opening night.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Hello, Patrick. I got you a little something in honor of opening night.
Patrick Vaughn: Thank you, Blanche. That's very thoughtful.
Rose: Well, I'd have gotten you a rose too, if I my mother had named me Violet.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What are you two doing? Can't you see Patrick is in the middle of an exquisite performance.
Blanche: You have no idea just how many performances he has been giving these last two weeks.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: He's been seeing me and Blanche and Phyllis behind our backs.
Dorothy: [to Patrick] You're a dirt bag!

Quote from Blanche

Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, I can explain. But now is not the time.
Blanche: I will tell you what time it is. Time for a hanging. Someone get me a rope.
Rose: And a tree from props.
Patrick Vaughn: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me speak. All right. I admit, I'm guilty. But what's the big deal? We all had a good time. All of you who had a good time, put your hands back up.
[All the female actors, except for the girls, raise the hands. Ed, the stage manager, raises his hand]
Patrick Vaughn: Ed, you damn liar. Put your hand back down. So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody.
Blanche: You, sir, are nothing but a low-down, carpetbagging scallywag. And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again.
Dorothy: And another thing- You'll never what?
Blanche: Don't ask.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: I feel like such a fool.
Blanche: Oh, me too.
Rose: Don't worry, girls. The audience had a real good time. And they got their money back on top of it.
Dorothy: That's not what we're talking about, you titmouse. We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.
Rose: Oh, you're right. I feel so common, so cheap. So used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?
Blanche: Rose, just for that, I'm gonna flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: You know, it's all our own fault. We behaved like a bunch of teenage groupies.
Blanche: The first good-Iooking, sexy, debonair, charming man that rolls into town, and we got on him quicker than mustard on a tie at a county fair.
Dorothy: It's hard to stay mad at the guy. I don't know. There was something special about him. He made me feel beautiful.
Blanche: He made me feel young.
Rose: He made me feel smart.
Dorothy: God, what an actor.


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