Rose: Sophia, wills are no joking matter. Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prized cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency. There I was presenting my side to a jury of her peers. It took over six months to get the farm back.
Sophia: What a terrible story. I mean it. It's a terrible story. But you must have been relieved when you won.
Rose: Oh, yeah. We celebrated with a big, thick steak.

Sophia: Butt out. I'm having an important moment with my heir. Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.
Dorothy: Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?
Rose: I know what I'm doing. Every Thursday, I watch La Law.
Dorothy: That's L.A. Law.
Rose: I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent.

Dorothy: Blanche, instead of sending the letter, why don't you talk to him? I mean, get to know him. Find out where this goes. You know, ever since we've known you, you have never once worked on having a meaningful relationship.
Blanche: I have had many meaningful relationships. Many, many, many meaningful relationships.
Dorothy: Sharing a worm from a tequila bottle is not meaningful.

Dorothy: If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo, instead of with... I better not say anything till I've had my coffee. [drinks] A slut and a moron. I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Bill: I used to put the Haley's M-O on the bottom, nothing. Then I put it eye level. The public went nuts. It was walking out of the store. People will bend for aspirins. They won't bend for laxatives.
Blanche: Isn't that fascinating, Bill.
Sophia: So, Bill, what's on sale?
Bill: Breast pumps.
Sophia: What else?
Bill: Afro Sheen.
Sophia: Moving on.
Bill: Preparation H.
Sophia: Hot damn.

Sophia: I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak, nothing.
Rose: Sophia!
Sophia: It's a joke. I'm kidding. Like when I said "sound mind and body."

Dorothy: What is it, Ma?
Sophia: As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.
Dorothy: What estate? Your loofah sponge and bus pass?
Sophia: Don't forget the four gold teeth when your father worked at the funeral parlor. "Perks," he called them. That's the stock you come from.
Dorothy: I come from grave robbers?
Sophia: Grave robber, entrepreneur. Potato, potahto. We had a family to feed.

Rose: I hated that cow. I still don't think she should have been awarded the car. Not that she got to use it.

Blanche: Girls, what am I gonna do? I got a call from a soldier who just returned from the Persian Gulf.
Sophia: Don't fall for it, Blanche. Sal didn't come home from World War II till 1951.
Rose: Where was he stationed?
Sophia: In the attic.
Dorothy: Ma, you told me he was in the arctic.
Sophia: The attic, the arctic. Tomato, tomahto. He had a family to feed.

Blanche: Dorothy? Dorothy? Now remember, be nice to him. He hasn't had sex in over a year. [laughing] Look who I'm talkin' to.