Blanche: Oh, hello there. I don't believe we've been introduced. My name is Blanche Devereaux. That's French for Blanche Devereaux.

Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Sicily, 1912. Picture this: Two young girls, best friends, who shared three things: a pizza recipe, some dough, and a dream. Everything is going great until one day, a fast-talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other, the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.
Rose: Sophia, what's the point?
Sophia: The point is, I lost a fortune!

Blanche: The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.
Rose: And her beau?
Blanche: That's right. Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader's sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy?
Rose: I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.

Rose: All I know is that Dorothy should find out what kind of a man Elliot really is. Now, if you're her friend, you'll tell her.
Blanche: But honey, she'd be devastated! What kind of a friend would I be to hurt her?
Rose: Well, what kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man! They could have a child! ... They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei-Ling's coming-out party, Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei-Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Blanche: Not as much as I have listening to that story.

Dorothy: I guess when it came down to it, I didn't believe you because I didn't want to.
Blanche: Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.
Dorothy: Oh, please!
Blanche: The only other woman who could possibly understand is Priscilla Presley and Susan Anton. No, not Susan Anton. Even my husband didn't believe me on our wedding night when I told him he was the first.
Dorothy: But George wasn't your first.
Blanche: Well, he didn't know that! The point is, he didn't believe me.

Dorothy: You're used to getting all the attention, and someone comes along and wants me and not you and it is eating your guts out.
Blanche: Eating my guts out?
Dorothy: You know something? You could never be a real friend to another woman, and you know why?
Blanche: Why?
Dorothy: Because you're a slut!
Blanche: A slut?!
Dorothy: Don't repeat everything I say.
Blanche: Don't repeat everything you say? I'm not!
Dorothy: You just did.
Blanche: Nothing you say's worth repeatin'.
Dorothy: You, Blanche, are an amoral, backstabbing, self-centered Jezebel, and I am very glad that this happened because now I know really what kind of person you are.
Blanche: The hell with you and your oversexed boyfriend, Dorothy Zbornak! I'm just glad that little Mei-Ling's coming-out party was ruined.
Dorothy: Who?
Blanche: And I'm glad that Elliot is bonging every woman at your country club!
Dorothy: What the hell are you talking about?
Blanche: Ask the towel lady!

Dorothy: You know something? We're really lucky we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose: I know. When I was growing up in Minnesota, the doctor made house calls all the time for us and the livestock.
Dorothy: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose: Sure. Worked out fine until the doctor started drinking hog liniment and tried to neuter the Swensen brothers.

Dorothy: And this is Sophia.
Dr. Clayton: What seems to be her problem?
Dorothy: Her blood pressure is up and she's a little pale and a little tired.
Dr. Clayton: Is she presently on any medication?
Dorothy: Yes, to control blood pressure.
Dr. Clayton: How long's she been on that medication?
Sophia: What am I, two years old? I don't know my own symptoms? I've lived in this body since I was born. If something goes wrong, I'm the first one to hear about it!
Dr. Clayton: I'm sorry, Sophia. What seems to be the problem?
Sophia: What am I, a doctor?

Dr. Clayton: I'm pleased to meet you.
Blanche: Forgive me for staring, but I do declare, you're just about the most attractive man I've seen in Florida since Mr. John Forsythe performed Hamlet at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

Dorothy: Wait a minute! Now just where do you think you're going?
Sophia: Over to Mildred's to watch the adult movie channel. She has a wide-screen TV.