Rose: Oh, speaking at Career Day is quite a responsibility. I still remember Career Day back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Check, please.
Rose: Gunther Hanchap, St. Olaf's leading shepherd and notary, came to speak. It was so moving when he talked about his solitary existence with the sheep. No human contact for months at a time. Ugh. Just building a special relationship with God's simple creatures. I really wanted to help.
Blanche: So you decided to become a shepherd?
Rose: No. I decided to give Gunther a case of Scotch. And he really appreciated it, until he discovered what mean drunks sheep are. They're kind of like cows when they're drunk. You know what I mean?

Sophia: Oh, wait a minute, pussycat, I almost forgot. I packed your lunch.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, you didn't have to do that.
Sophia: I wanted to. Besides, it's the exact same lunch I packed you on your first day of school. Oh. Salami and a thermos of wine. Remember, Dorothy, when you go to work today, be proud. You're a Petrillo, which in Italian means, "Hey, I'm on a break here."

Randy: Hey, listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, you let me know, huh?
Dorothy: Well, you know, actually, I I do have an idea for a new video game.
Randy: Really?
Dorothy: Yeah. See, there's this very old, white-haired mother who keeps talking and talking and talking, and there're all these different ways to kill her.
Randy: Sounds kind of weird.
Dorothy: No, I've thought it all out. And then when you arrive at level four, then you get to just nuke her. I mean, just nuke the hell out of her!

Rose: Oh, Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?
Dorothy: I'd rather have the cash.
Rose: Actually, it's not for you. It's for Miles.
Dorothy: He'd rather have the cash.

Rose: Do you really think that's right for Miles? He's never seen that side of me before.
Blanche: You mean, the wanton Rose? The harlot? The elemental woman who cries out for the fiery, passionate response of an elemental man? Is that the side you mean?
Rose: Actually, I meant my heinie. Miles and I always make love with the lights off.
Blanche: Always?
Rose: Always. Well, except for the time we were listening to this concert on radio. [laughing] And when the applause started, his Clapper went crazy. The lights went on, off, on, off, on, off. And Miles did his impression of the old King Kong, and we laughed and laughed. So I pretended I was Godzilla, and we wrestled, got all sweaty. Come to think of it, we never did make love that night.
Blanche: If you didn't make love, what did you do?
Rose: Destroyed Tokyo.

Blanche: What are you doin', Rose?
Rose: I'm wrapping Miles' birthday present. I got him a golf club. But don't tell him. It's a surprise.

Blanche: Rose, honey, you've got to use some imagination. Now, I know what men like for their birthdays. They like a surprise that makes their libidos stand up and say, "Hello, there." Oh, I know! You can give Miles one of those boudoir photographs. You know, where you pose for pictures in sexy lingerie?
Rose: Oh, I don't know. I'd feel cheap like... Well, like you.

Blanche: Oh, Rose, come on, it's a great idea. The pictures are just an intimate way to let a fellow know he's the one and only man in your life. I've done it 20, 30 times.

Sophia: Wait a minute. Are you talking about those ridiculous pictures Blanche puts on her Christmas cards?
Blanche: Those cards are a moving tribute to the spirit of the season.
Dorothy: A moving tribute? The three wise men and you in a teddy following the Christmas star?

Dorothy: Well, how do I look?
Sophia: Look at Dorothy, ready for her first day as a successful businesswoman. Go get 'em, tiger.
Blanche: You look wonderful, Dorothy, but don't you think those shoulder pads make you seem a little aggressive?
Dorothy: I'm not wearing shoulder pads.
Blanche: Oh. [laughs] Well, in that case, go get 'em, tiger.