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‘The Housekeeper’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper

304. The Housekeeper

Aired October 17, 1987

The girls regret hiring a housekeeper who takes a lax attitude towards cleaning, but they regret firing her even more after they fear a curse has been placed on them.

Quote from Sophia

Marguerite: What is she talking about?
Sophia: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby. I was tired of her!

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Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Look, Marguerite is a lovely person. She just cannot do the job.
Rose: [sighs] I hate to admit it, but you're right. We had a similar situation back in St. Olaf, with Mrs. Gunderson, our grade school teacher. Oh, she was the nicest woman you'd ever want to meet, but as the years went by, she got her facts a little confused. In biology class she started telling kids that the human body was made up of 80% Ovaltine. While we were studying WWI, she told us mustard gas was something you got from eating too many hot dogs. That's why to this day in St. Olaf, everyone celebrates the 4th of July with a thin omelet on a bun.
Dorothy: What do you say after we fire Marguerite, we each chip in and get Rose a CAT scan.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I wonder what this is.
Rose: I'll bet it's a love potion.
Dorothy: Ah, Rose, come on, honey. There's no such thing as a love potion.
Rose: Sure there is, Dorothy. My grandparents got together because of a love potion. Well, actually it was a foot salve Gramps accidentally swallowed. You see, Grandma was the nurse who pumped his stomach, but she was new and she attached the nozzle to the wrong place. Next thing you know, they were engaged.

Quote from Rose

Marguerite: A tiara? [Blanche and Dorothy look to Rose]
Rose: Well, you said to get something I'd buy for myself. You see, I've always wanted a tiara. I mean, ever since I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. I mean, every year I'd blow out my birthday candles and wish for one. And every year I'd get a freshly-carved pair of wooden shoes. Except for one year, during the Depression when I just got a block of coal, which I carved into a pair of high-top Keds.

Quote from Rose

Rose: This has been the worst day of my life.
Dorothy: Honey, what happened to you?
Rose: First, my alarm didn't go off so I was late to work, and then I had a flat tire on the way, and when I finally got there, I smashed my hand in the door. Oh, I feel like crawling under the covers and eating Velveeta right out of the box.
Dorothy: I hear B.B. King does that when he's tired of singing the blues.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Oh, Dorothy, before I go, I need your opinion on something. What should I give Phil's daughter as a wedding gift? Your grandmother's lace tablecloth, or 50 bucks towards getting a neck?
Dorothy: Give her the tablecloth.
Sophia: You're right. She's got a husband. He doesn't care that she looks like Abe Vigoda, why should I?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: What do you think of our home?
Midge: Lovely. Last place I was had bars in the windows and a big wall with guard dogs.
Rose: Sounds like quite a security system.
Midge: The best. San Quentin. Fifteen years I spent in that stinking hole. I saw violence, I saw despair, I saw Johnny Cash eight times.
Blanche: Well, I guess that concludes the interview, unless there are any questions.
Rose: I have a question. Does Johnny Cash ever wear plaid?
Dorothy: It's not her fault. She's from Minnesota. We'll be in touch.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, why don't you begin by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hardworking and honest, and I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose: That's it?
Marguerite: All right, I won't go on with this charade any longer. There is something else. I'm black. Now, if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Now, of course, that'll cost you extra.
Dorothy: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you.
Marguerite: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose: Neither do Dorothy and I.
[Blanche looks to Rose]

Quote from Rose

Blanche: All right, maybe she's lax on the housework.
Dorothy: She is more than a little lax. She's habitually late, she's broken quite a number of glasses and she threw out People Magazine before I had a chance to read it.
Rose: But, Dorothy, look at all the wonderful things that have happened since Marguerite started working here. Blanche is dating Norman, you're sleeping better than you have in years and Sandy Duncan is finally back on TV.
Dorothy: I think we should have a little talk with her.
Rose: You know Sandy Duncan?
Blanche: Look, Marguerite didn't throw out People.
Dorothy: [laughing] Oh, good. [Dorothy hits Rose on the head with it]

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, why are you cleaning the kitchen? This is Marguerite's job.
Rose: Dorothy, I know exactly what you're going to say, but I talked to Marguerite on the phone and this time she has a really good excuse for being late.
Dorothy: Fine, what is it?
Rose: [sighs] She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dwarf.
Dorothy: And you fell for that old excuse.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Has either of you girls seen Marguerite?
Rose: She's not here yet.
Blanche: I wished you'd look at this. She melted my buttons with the iron. Now I'll never be able to open my blouse again.
Dorothy: It's a dark day in the history of mankind.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Oh, well, all right. I guess I'm just being silly. Okay, go ahead and fire her, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Why should I be the one to fire her?
Blanche: You're the meanest.
Rose: Blanche, that's not true. Dorothy just looks the meanest. We hired Marguerite together, we fire her together.
Dorothy: Thank you, Rose. And by the way, you look the dumbest.

Quote from Blanche

Marguerite: I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to go downtown to get some special herbs. I'm throwing together another little aphrodisiac for Blanche. I better get to my work.
Blanche: Girls, we can't fire her now, she's making me an aphrodisiac!
Dorothy: Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: I hate to interrupt your work, but we have to talk to you.
Blanche: Yeah, but before we do I just want you to know that Tootie is my favorite on The Facts of Life.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: She seemed pretty upset.
Dorothy: We just fired her.
Rose: What do you think she meant, "we're making a big mistake?"
Dorothy: She meant that she's unhappy that she lost her job. [explosion] Or that she's going to blow up our kitchen.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Girls, you'll never guess what happened. Norman threw me over for a fat woman.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
Blanche: Thank you, Rose, but Dorothy's the one who ought to be sorry, it's all her fault.
Dorothy: What? What did I do?
Blanche: Well, you made us fire Marguerite. Now she's put a curse on us.
Dorothy: Come on now. You're just upset. You're talking nonsense.
Rose: Well, it makes perfect sense to me.
Dorothy: I rest my case.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Gee, I hope Marguerite likes champagne.
Dorothy: Don't you think we may be going a little overboard with this?
Blanche: Dorothy, remember the crow man.
Dorothy: Do we have any caviar to go with this champagne?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia! What are you doing here?
Sophia: I live here, remember? [seeing Marguerite] What is this, the Miss Black America contest?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Marguerite, I'd like you to meet my mother. This is my mother, Sophia Petrillo. Ma, this is Marguerite.
Marguerite: Oh, I'm pleased to meet you. Won't you join us?
Sophia: Yeah, and pour me some of that champagne. I never know if I'm gonna make it to New Year's. So, what are we celebrating? Did The Supremes get back together?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you know, I really think you should go and lie down. You look exhausted.
Sophia: Hey, I'm 80. I look like this in the middle of a dead sleep.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: So, Marguerite, what's your claim to fame?
Marguerite: I'm the housekeeper.
Sophia: Yeah? You always wear a tiara to clean the toilet?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, could I see you in the kitchen?
Sophia: Hey, take it easy! I'm not Gumby!
Sophia: What's going on?
Dorothy: Listen, Ma, I want you to be especially nice to Marguerite.
Sophia: Please, Dorothy, I wasn't brought up in a cave. Actually, I was brought up in a cave.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Listen, Ma, I am serious. You are not to ask her to lift a finger. And if there's anything you need, you let me or one of the girls know.
Sophia: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. She's the housekeeper, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: But she's not to lift a finger, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: If anything needs to be done, you take care of it, right?
Dorothy: Right. Where are you going, Ma?
Sophia: To get a job as a housekeeper.
Dorothy: Ma, Ma, be serious now. Marguerite is dangerous. She put a curse on us.
Sophia: And I'm the one that got put in a home?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I know it's unbelievable but we fired her, she put a curse on us, so we had to hire her back. Now, if we can just keep her happy, maybe she'll leave us alone.
Sophia: You really are afraid of her, aren't you?
Dorothy: Ma, Ma, it's unbelievable but please go along with it, okay? I mean, do it for me.
Sophia: If it means that much to you, pussycat, you got it.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks. Now, remember, not a word.
Sophia: So, what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Blanche: Sophia.
Dorothy: We're all going to be turned into kumquats.

Quote from Rose

Marguerite: Is that what this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche: Well, it's true, you got mad at us for firing you. That's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel No. 5.
Rose: I'm not buying that. Dorothy uses Chanel No. 5 all the time and she never attracts men.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: What about this painted rock that you put under my bed?
Sophia: Oh, thank God you found it! This is very special to me. It was the first wage I ever earned.
Dorothy: Ma, they paid you in rocks?
Sophia: Hey, don't knock it. To this day in some parts of Sardinia, two of these will get you a veal and pepper sandwich.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Well, Marguerite, I guess we just let our superstitions get the best of us and I think we owe you an apology.
Marguerite: No, no, I owe you an apology, because you're right, I'm a lousy housekeeper.
Rose: I feel like such a silly goose.
Marguerite: Goodbye, ladies. And I'm really sorry for all the trouble, but thank you for being understanding. [to Sophia] And thank you for taking care of that Shelley Long. I'm tired of that thin, uppity white woman, too.
Sophia: Well, that's that. Anything else you need me to straighten out for you?


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