Barry: Since when do you walk or wear sneakers or participate in life?
Murray: Here's the deal. Every year after I see the doctor, your mom forces me to do some stupid new exercise fad.
Barry: Since when? I've never seen that.
Murray: Exactly! Right before we start working out, I bombard your mom with a year's worth of compliments.
Barry: So you don't compliment the lady all year long?
Murray: No, I save it all for this very moment. And it gets her all flustered and distracted, and that's when I ask her out for a big, fancy lobster dinner.
Barry: Why?
Murray: Your mom forgets all about exercising, and I get to dump ocean meat into hot butter.
Barry: But they list lobster as market price on the menu. You say they're vague on purpose to rip you off.
Murray: Oh, it's so worth it, man. I don't want to exercise.

Beverly: Time to shake it, Mustang Murray!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my dad put his plan into action.
Murray: Go easy on me, because I'm not in perfect shape like you are.
Beverly: Me? [laughing] Oh, stop it.
Murray: Maybe it's just your beautiful new haircut?
Beverly: I didn't think you noticed.
Murray: How could I not? It looks like you're wearing a golden crown, which makes sense because you're my queen.
Beverly: And you are my big, grumbly king.
Murray: How about we head downtown to Bookbinders for a delicious lobster dinner?
Beverly: Well, I better get outta this spandex and put on my sparkliest sweater.
Murray: [to Barry] And that is how you never move your body.
Barry: You're not a very good life partner.
Murray: Thank you.

Beverly: You think an umbrella stand made of pure antique brass is $50? No. Try $2,000. This commode is one-of-a-kind. I'll take no less than $6,802. This Victorian-style chandelier needs all-new wiring and bulbs and is $42,000 American. Chippendale-style slant front desk. It has my son Barry's name carved in it, which makes it $100,000 exactly. Semi-authentic Cherry Blossom privacy screen. I think 1.2 is fair, but I don't want to seem unrealistic, so 1.1. This golden red velvet couch is the aria of my personal furniture opera. I'll accept no less than $6.5 million. This is priceless.
Auctioneer: The display of dead owls is priceless?
Beverly: See, I bought them on my honeymoon in London, and you can't just bring things like this back into our country for disease-control reasons, so when I was at customs, I pretended to be a science teacher in need of them for my students.
Auctioneer: That can't possibly be true.
Beverly: That story is 100% real. Which is why this item is so special, one cannot put a monetary value on it.
Auctioneer: Let me take a stab. 60 bucks?
Beverly: I hear you, and I'm willing to go down to $40,000.

Murray: Just go easy on me. Clearly, I'm not in perfect shape like you.
Coach Mellor: Oh. Well, I wouldn't say "perfect." Elite, maybe.
Murray: Are you kidding? They ought to put up a statue of you in the town square.
Coach Mellor: Well, I'm not a vain man, but if a statue of me inspired the town to physical fitness, I wouldn't object.
Murray: Hey, what do you say we stop off at the buffet at the Ritz in Center City and map out a game-plan?
Coach Mellor: That's the fanciest breakfast in town. They put parsley on every plate, even the ones that don't need it.
Murray: Your body's a fine-tuned machine, Coach. You need to feed it the best triple-stack waffles and buttermilk biscuits in town.
Coach Mellor: Well, I do allow myself a cheat day once a decade, and that day's arrived!
Murray: Go warm up the car.
Coach Mellor: You got it. Today, we feast!

Beverly: I just got off the phone with Dr. Emory. We need to have a little pow-wow.
Murray: Oh, crap, here we go.
Beverly: He got the results of your blood work back, and your triglycerides are over 500!
Barry: Wow! That's amazing! Way to go, Dad!
Beverly: No, it's a bad thing.
Barry: Oh, no! You're blowing it, Dad!

Beverly: You and I are going on a serious health kick, starting now. It's called Sweatin' to the Oldies, and that is Richard Simmons. He plays Motown hits, and you and I will sweat together as a couple! Fun!
Murray: Getting schvitzy to old-timey tunes? That does sound fun! Bevy, go grab my walking sneakers out of the back of the closet.
Barry: What's going on? Why is Dad standing as if to participate?
Murray: Because your mother is right. Today begins a new me.
Beverly: Time for Richard Simmons to take us down to Funky Fitness Town!
Murray: For my beautiful angel, anything.

Beverly: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Every museum-quality piece in this room is a valuable family heirloom and can never be sold.
Erica: So, if we can't sell them, how are they valuable?
Beverly: Because they have the greatest value of all. Sentimental value.

Barry: Yeah. I've called this meeting to discuss a very serious problem. Ever since I decided to be a doctor, I've been learning a lot about health stuff. Did you know diet and exercise are important to living a long life?
Andy: Rings a bell.
Naked Rob: Sure.
Matt: You just learned that?
Barry: Apparently, my dad's Tetris-Cyclopses are outta control, and I'm worried. He really means the world to me, but how do I let him know?

Matt: Why don't you just, like, tell him?
Barry: With words to his face? Are you serious right now?
Matt: Just open your heart and be like, "I love you."
Andy: Now, when you say "I love you," do you really mean not talking to him for a year, but he just knows?
Matt: No! I mean, say the words.
Geoff: Now, when you say "Say the words," do you really mean go up to him with the intent of saying it and then chickening out and screaming, "Stop trying to control my life!"?
Matt: I'm talking about actual words or even a hug.
Naked Rob: Now, when you say "hug," do you really mean rough horseplay that ends with me getting tackled through drywall?
Matt: What is going on in your homes?

Geoff: Hey, Barry. You're looking very trim, fit, and attractive today.
Barry: Thank you, Geoffrey Schwartz. Would you believe I got this fit without exercising at all?
Geoff: You did not exercise? But that is impossible!
Barry: Not anymore, thanks to Tommy Lasorda!
Murray: What is this? Why are you morons acting out a weird play in front of my TV?
Barry: It's not weird, Dad. It's SlimFast.
Andy: Tell me more.
Barry: You got it, Andrew. World Champion baseball manager Tommy Lasorda has conquered hunger cravings forever.
Naked Rob: Hey, I saw that product advertised on the TV!
Barry: I just happen to have that commercial already in the VCR. Shall we?