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39Quotes from ‘Bohemian Rap City’

The Goldbergs: Bohemian Rap City

607. Bohemian Rap City

Aired November 7, 2018

Erica leaves her band, The Dropouts, when she gets a chance to record an audition tape for Star Search. Meanwhile, Beverly encourages Adam to take up a more adult hobby, like Murray's stamp collecting.

Quote from Murray

Murray: I know everything about stamps. My first job was sorting mail at the town post office.
Adam: Ohhh, balls. He's introducing new personal history.
Murray: Even though that job was long and mind-numbing, I was happy to do it 'cause I just lost my mom.
Adam: Ohhh, no! I've re-opened a terrible childhood wound.
Murray: The only thing that brought me joy that year was learning about the colorful postage from around the world.
Adam: Oh, no, those stamps hold a deep emotional value!
Murray: Of course they do. Those stamps made me happy. I want them back.

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Quote from Murray

Murray: Toys? You ruined my stamps over toys? Let's see how you like it. [grunting]
Beverly: What are you doing?
Murray: Ruining Adam's toy.
Adam: That's Stretch Armstrong. He's made to be unbreakable.
Murray: Ahh! [playing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots] Oh! Ha! I broke the red one's head.
Adam: Nah, that just means you won.
Murray: Say goodbye to these.
Adam: Those are Wall Crawlers. You're just playing with them as intended.
Murray: Bevy, I told you this would happen. I knew the moron would screw up my favorite hobby.
Beverly: But you said this was just a smart investment and not a hobby at all.
Murray: We both knew it was a hobby! [voice breaking] My favorite hobby in the world.
Adam: Oh, God, are you sad?
Murray: Enjoy your toys.

Quote from Barry

Lainey: We're about to record our audition for "Star Search."
Barry: That's right. And we're about to make "Bohemian Rhapsody" even better.
Erica: How do you make the greatest rock song in the world better?
Barry: It's right there in the title "Bohemian Rap City." Rap City.
Erica: Wait. You think it's Rap City?
Barry: Duh. How can they make a song set in a rap city and not have one single sick rhyme or fresh beat?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Hit it!
[Lainey sings and plays keyboards to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" as Barry raps]
Lainey: Mama
Barry: I'm so, so sorry
Lainey: Just killed a man
Barry: With the power of karate
Lainey: Put a gun against his head
Barry: And my foot
Lainey: Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Barry: Killed him with my foot
Lainey: Mama
Barry: You gave birth to a ninja
Lainey: Life had just begun
Barry: Now they're locking up my feet
Lainey: But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Barry: Oh, I also hit him with some nunchucks
Lainey: Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Barry: I'm sorry that he died I'm sorry I committed foot homicide
Lainey: Didn't mean to make you cry
Barry: Whoops!
Both: If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Lainey: Carry on, carry on
Barry: Barry's gone, Barry's gone
Lainey: As if nothing really matters
Barry: And you'll lose the world's best rapper
Lainey: Too late
Barry: I can't unkick his face
Lainey: My time has come
Barry: I'm moving to outer space
Lainey: Send shivers down my spine
Barry: I'm also from Mars
Lainey: Body's aching all the time
Barry: I forgot to mention that
Lainey: Goodbye, everybody
Barry: I'm an alien
Lainey: I've got to go
Barry: And I got no private parts, yo!
Lainey: Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Barry: I'll miss you, Rap City
Lainey: Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Barry: And so I sail past the moon Goodbye, Rap City Hope I see y'all soon Blasting off to hyperspace Maybe you can follow me That's where I'll be starting my own rap colony Chocolate milk fountains on every street And big golden statues of my murderous feet My name is Big Tasty, and I am no comedian Just god of the universe Also I'm Bohemian Mm, mm, mm-
Lainey: Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back before you could buy everything ever on Amazon and eBay, you had to go to an actual store to buy toys. For me, the toy store was a sacred mecca of my lifelong passion. Even though I was getting older, my toy obsession was for life.
Adam: Devastator's on sale? Score.
Store Employee: Transformers? We just got in a new shipment of Rock Lords.
Adam: I don't know what that is, but I want them all.
Store Employee: They're GoBots that transform into rocks.
Adam: A toy rock? That defines fun. Take all my lunch money. Take it right now.
Store Employee: Oh, you're too late. I knew these would be a hot commodity, so I bought every last Rock Lord.
Adam: Thanks a lot, suck lord.
Store Employee: What'd you call me?
Adam: Nothing.

Quote from Adam

Pops: Whoa! Kiddo, what you doing? The Berlin Wall's coming down.
Adam: This is more important.
Pops: But there's freedom in Europe.
Adam: Nothing is as historical as this. They're about to announce the deadline for this year's shopping spree at Toys "R" Us.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, back in the day, there was a contest where one lucky kid got five glorious minutes to grab whatever they wanted, and every year, I dreamed that kid would be me.
Adam: It's simple. You just send in a postcard, and they choose one lucky winner to run around a toy store and grab anything they want. It's bigger than that sports game where the winner goes to Disneyland.

Quote from Pops

Pops: You know, I entered a sweepstakes as a kid. Won a big can of peaches. Well, it wasn't that big. It was a small can. But a good peach is a real treat.

Quote from Erica

Barry: Guys. I like what my ears are hearing. That's the song you wrote about rocking my body, right?
Erica: What?
Lainey: Uh...
Erica: What?
Lainey: Well, I mean, the body in the song that's being rocked obviously belongs to someone.
Erica: Who does the body belong to, Lainey?
Lainey: Barry.
Erica: Barry? My brother Barry? My- My mother's son Barry? Barry Barry?
Barry: Yeah, this is what you're singing about.
Erica: We are [gagging] never doing that horrible song.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: I was forced to sing about my brother's soft torso.
Geoff: Okay, that's just wrong. You should be singing about my soft torso.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Whoa, what is that?
John Calabasas: Hi, I'm John Calabasas, and you're looking at Willow Grove's first Professional Recording Booth and Lip Sync Studio Palace. Do you perchance dabble in the art of vocal songestry?
Geoff: Does she? She's in, like, the best band in Jenkintown.
Erica: We're not. I mean, we're good. Maybe the best. Whatever.
John Calabasas: Look, I don't know you, and I've never heard you sing, but the second I heard you mention anything remotely connected to music, I knew that I was looking at a future rock-'n'-roll superstar.
Erica: No way. I mean, maybe. Sure, yes.
John Calabasas: "Sure, yes" is right, and I insist that you come and record a demo. So I've slashed my usual rate of $500 a session to the impossibly low price of just $19.95.
Geoff: That's such a deep discount.
John Calabasas: This guy knows his math. Look, I'm being financially irresponsible over here, but I really feel like this lady's voice has got to be heard.
Geoff: You're so amazingly generous. She'll do it.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Pardon me, ladies. I'm filming a super important battlescape, and my camera's picking up all your tuppery talk.
Beverly: Sorry, Schmooey. We'll do better. [chuckles] C'mon, gals. Let's take our food-storage party into the living room. [Beverly's friends mumble indistinctly] Uh, what is this? What's with the judgy murmuring?
Erica: Bevy, we think it's time we had a Yenta-vention.
Beverly: About what?
Essie Karp: About Adam.
Linda Schwartz: Look, we all love his creativity and his wild imagination as much as you do. It's just that-
Virginia Kremp: He's an adult who plays with dolls.
Beverly: And you're an adult who smells like a sack of monkey [bleep].
Essie Karp: You're lashing out.
Beverly: I'm lashing out.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray. Everybody thinks Adam is both sad and weird.
Murray: Sure.
Beverly: You're his father. Help him be better.
Murray: Give the kid a break. He's only 12.
Beverly: He's 16!
Murray: That can't be right.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Now get off your ass and go teach him a real adult hobby.
Murray: What do I know from hobbies? I don't have any stupid hobbies.
Beverly: Is that right? Stamps, Murray. You love stamps. That is your hobby.
Murray: Hobbies are dumb and silly. Stamps are a smart financial investment. You know, Rock Hudson got a stamp. Good for him, right?
Beverly: Okay, I don't care what the hell you call it. Just show Adam how much fun you have stamping with your stamps.
Murray: Fine. I'll introduce Adam to the noble world of stamp collecting, but once again, not a hobby. Stamps are serious business. [chuckles] Snoopy! Silly puppy.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Okay, toy time's over, moron.
Adam: This isn't toy time. It's the "Transformers"/ "Star Wars" crossover event the world's been begging for.
Murray: That's gibberish for "toy time," and you're too old for it. Here's how actual normal adult people have fun.
Adam: It's just a book of postage.
Murray: It's a collection of stamps.
Adam: Ohh, I get it. See, you grew up in olden times when there were no toys. All you had were dolls made out of corn cobs and a stick and a hoop. That's why you're an angry, broken man who thinks stamps are a hobby.
Murray: Learn about stamps or you're grounded, moron.
Adam: Fine. I'll give your tiny, lickable history squares a stupid chance.

Quote from Murray

Murray: And if you take to them, maybe my stamp collection can become our stamp collection.
Adam: I can have the stamps?
Murray: I don't see why not as long as you give up plastic toys and robits.

Quote from Pops

Adam: Buckle up, Pops. Your favorite grandson is guaranteed to win the contest of a lifetime.
Pops: I see what this is. You rigged the contest, huh? I did that with the peaches.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Dude, Ed McMahon is gonna spill his giant tumbler of scotch when he hears this.
Lainey: We are so the stars "Star Search" is searching for.

Quote from Erica

John Calabasas: Hello, Willow Grove Mall, or as it shall henceforth be known, Willow Groove Mall, am I right?
Geoff: Whoo! You are right!
John Calabasas: Thank you, lone sir. I am John Calabasas of John Calabasas Talent Management and Mall Recording Boothness. And today we're doing a live recording for "Star Search" audition tape.
Geoff: I love you, Rikki Gold!
John Calabasas: You hear that? They love you, Rikki Gold. By the way, I am totally diggin' that name change.
Erica: Oh, it's 'cause, you know...
John Calabasas: Yeah, I know.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Hey.
Murray: Don't. The stamps are gone. It's over, okay?
Adam: Here. I got us tickets to the Abington Stamp Expo. I heard there's an 80th anniversary Pony Express up for auction.
Murray: Stop. You don't have to pretend to like my dumb hobby just for me.
Adam: No. I-I get it. Stamps are more than just a hobby. They were a bright spot when you were a kid.
Murray: You could say that.
Adam: Well, that's what all my action figures are for me. No matter how old I am, these toys remind me of a time when things were just easy and fun, you know?
Murray: I do know. I really do.
Adam: So, what do you say we make some new bright spots and go to your Stamp Expo?
Murray: Let's go get that Pony Express.


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