Murray: If I drink the damn shake, will you morons leave me alone?
Matt: I'm not involved in this.
Murray: Not bad.
Geoff: Hey, I don't think you chug it all at once...
Barry: You gotta savor it. That counts as your lunch.
Murray: No, these crab cakes are my lunch.
Barry: No, you drink that instead of the crab cakes.
Murray: So, when do I eat my crab cakes?
Barry: Later, during your sensible dinner.
Murray: But your mom made lasagna.
Barry: Okay, you don't get the shake, the crab cakes, and the lasagna.
Murray: Well, let's give it a shot, who knows?
Geoff: Oh, no! You just added a ton of milkshakes into your dad's life.

Beverly: I have been collecting and curating my whole life, and they want nothing?
Linda Schwartz: My kids don't want any of my beautiful china.
Essie Karp: My dream has always been to pass down my priceless Hummel collection to my kids, but they find them creepy and dead-eyed.
Virginia Kremp: Charles and I would like Chad to take over the flower shop, but he'd rather play Nintendo and drink his precious Pepsi.
Beverly: If our kids don't want anything we value, then why are we saving it in the first place?
Essie Karp: Well, my big game plan is to get really old and die and then they have to take it out of obligation.
Beverly: Okay, yes, we all agree your dying would be the best-case scenario. But that's not really something we can explore as an option right now.
Virginia Kremp: Then what do we do?
Beverly: If our kids aren't going to appreciate any of this, then we will. Starting tomorrow, I am gonna sell everything in here and use the money for me. No, for us. I'm gonna buy us all a cruise to the Bahamas like that Kathie Lee Gifford sings and dances about.

Murray: All right, I'm home. Nobody bother me!
Barry: Wow! Look who's fresh from work and is immediately dropping his pants at the door.
Murray: What the hell, moron? Why is there a metal octopus in my den?
Barry: This is a Bowflex, an all-in-one total body sculptor which has been assembled by the greatest minds of my generation.
Andy: That's us.
Naked Rob: Really hoping this bar isn't crucial in any way.

Murray: I don't care what it is, it's blocking my chair, and that's where I do my best sitting.
Barry: Starting now, you only sit in this. And through the power of science and pulling, it will transform your body into Lorenzo Lamas.
Murray: I don't know who that is, but I hate his name and this Moron-Flex thing.

Coach Mellor: Coach accepts your challenge. Molding your lumpy father into hardened steel will forever be my legacy.
Barry: This is a good choice. I made a good choice.

Auctioneer: Okay, our auction begins tomorrow at noon. You have the catalogue. Everything is in it. I set some preliminary prices to get the ball rolling. Any questions?
Beverly: Yes, many questions, starting with what the [bleep]?
Auctioneer: Oh, wow.
Beverly: Your pricing is embarrassingly low.

Coach Mellor: [whistle blows]
Murray: Gah!
Coach Mellor: Mornin', Murray Goldberg! You did the right thing calling in Coach from the bullpen.
Murray: I didn't call anyone.
Barry: I did. Coach is here to whip us both into shape. But mostly you.

Coach Mellor: Now, are you ready to begin the long, painful journey to physical perfection? What do you say?
Murray: I say get out of my house.
Coach Mellor: Barry said you'd say those exact words. But Coach never knows when to go away, so pop off that shirt and let me see what I'm working with.
Murray: Nobody's popping off anything.
Coach Mellor: Don't worry. When I'm done with you, that shirt's gonna pop itself off. Are you ready to feel the burn?

Auctioneer: Hello, and welcome. Today, we begin with items from the Beverly Goldberg Collection. First up is this unique red sitting opportunity. And the bidding begins at $40,000. Anyone? Anyone?
Beverly: Tell them it's a family heirloom. My grandfather made a horse carry it across Slovania. The horse was proud, but never the same.
Auctioneer: Okay. Anyone want to be a part of this lady's upsetting history? Anyone?

Beverly: What's happening? Why is no one getting in on that bargain basement price?
Auctioneer: You know, if you really wanted this to sell, you would let me lower the price to something like $200. There you go. $200, going once.
Beverly: That is highway robbery! Essie, quick! Bid $100,000.
Essie Karp: I'm not doing that.
Beverly: Why?
Essie Karp: Honestly, 'cause that couch looks like it belongs in a bordello.
Beverly: Fine. Virginia! You always do what I say. Bid right now.
Virginia Kremp: But I don't want to.
Beverly: This fidgety blond woman wants to bid $100,000.
Virginia Kremp: I really don't!
Auctioneer: No, she really doesn't.